


Hero Worship - Beginnings

by ZabeShep (KabiViolet)



Series: Elizabeth Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AUish, Angst, Comfort, Daddy Issues, Drama, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Family Drama, Flirting, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Headcanon, Hurt, Introspection, Jealousy, ME1, Mommy Issues, My First Fanfic, My First Work in This Fandom, Psychological Drama, Romance, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension, pre-game, pre-me1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-28
Updated: 2013-03-25
Packaged: 2017-11-27 05:44:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 64,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/658602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KabiViolet/pseuds/ZabeShep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Shepard had a case of hero worship for her blue-eyed turian instead of the other way around?</p><p>A look at the relationship between the star-crossed lovers, carrying over time, distance, space, and all three Mass Effects.</p><p>Part 1 - pre-game through the end of ME1.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Something Lacy for the Weekend

**Author's Note:**

> I'm fairly new to writing my own fanfiction. I have enjoyed others for years and finally decided to take a stab at it. I appreciate your comments, tips, criticisms, and suggestions. :)
> 
> Mostly canon. I may change bits if it doesn't fit with the canon in my head.
> 
> BioWare owns everything. I get nothing except enjoyment from writing stories about its world.
> 
> Thanks to my beta, NancyK, for her patience and help as I learn how to do this fanfic thing....

If she had known how this day would shape the rest of her life, she would have paid more attention to the details. How the water had felt on her face when she turned on the shower. How breakfast had sunk into the pit of her stomach and seemed to sit there, as if her body was unsure what to do with the barely digestible mush she had shoved down in two minutes. How the stars had looked, bright and distant, as she looked out the observation windows on approach to the Citadel.

But she didn’t know, so she hadn’t paid that much attention.

Her mental priorities were elsewhere. She had spent an enormous amount of time taming her long, blonde locks into some semblance of what she thought was the latest fashion on the Citadel. The natural wave of her hair made styling difficult sometimes. That was why she usually tied her hair back in a tight bun or braid. She could blame her usual hairstyle on the fact that she was a marine, but that wasn’t really it. She just didn’t like to take the time. There were always more important things to do.

But today was special. When Elizabeth Shepard actually took the time to make herself look nice, the result was a noticeable one. She looked herself over in the ladies’ room mirror one more time as she heard the captain’s voice over the ship’s intercom, telling all personnel that they had docked. She wasn’t very high maintenance, but she kept a few girly things around, even while living aboard a ship. A few touches of eye shadow and blush and a hint of lip gloss completely changed her look. She wondered if her squadmates would even recognize her when she stepped out of the airlock.

She sighed. This day had been a long time coming. Basic training and her first year of service didn’t yield much in the way of shore leave, which also meant it didn’t leave much in the way of time to spend with Thad.

The corners of Shepard’s mouth twitched upward slightly at the thought of Thad. Thad Stern. The first boy she had ever kissed. The first boy she had ever loved. The first boy she had ever _made_ love to. The _only_ person she had ever made love to. And he was here, on the Citadel, waiting for her.

The catch was, she was a day early. She knew that there was a possibility that she would be early and had hoped that would be the case. She had a special surprise for Thad and she couldn’t wait to see the look on his face when she told him.

The rapid transit shuttles always seemed slow when she had somewhere to be. Shepard planned on running a few errands before meeting Thad at the hotel room they planned to lose themselves in for the entire weekend. Thad had been on leave for one day already. They had one weekend of leave at the same time and Shepard thanked whatever gods there were that Thad’s ship and her own had been headed for the same place at the same time. Gods. Fate. Whatever the hell it was, she was grateful.

365 Earth days. A full year since she had seen Thad last. He had taken leave to see her off to Basic. Being a year older, he had enlisted before Shepard and took every leave he had during that first year wherever her parents’ ship took her. Shepard had no choice but to drift through the galaxy, towed behind her parents’ assignments. But Thad understood that, growing up on the same ships as her for most of their lives. He made it a priority to see her whenever he could and to make those visits worth the time they had.

That first year had been horrible for Shepard. She couldn’t do anything. Not old enough to join up and her parents dragging her along everywhere. Most of her friends were older and had joined up and left her alone on the ship. She spent countless nights on the observation deck, staring out at the stars and wishing she were anywhere but where she was.

They had managed the distance. Frequent vid calls and messages made the time slightly bearable, but it had been way too long since she had felt Thad’s skin and the heat from his kisses. Two years since she had finally given in and given him everything she had to give. She made him wait until she was ready, but it was worth it. Sometimes when she was half asleep, she could feel his chest pressed against hers, his hot breath on her neck, and his hands –

The door of the shuttle flew open, startling Shepard and waking her from the pleasant daydream. She hopped out quickly, picked up her small weekend bag, and headed determinedly for her destination. Growing up on ships, following her parents around the galaxy, Shepard had been on the Citadel more times than she could count. It was nothing new to her and she knew its corridors and alleyways and shops better than most.

She was impatient with the sales clerk. Shepard knew exactly what she wanted and she was in a hurry. Something lacy for the weekend. That was it. But the asari clerk kept making eyes at her from behind the counter as she rung up the couple of items that clearly gave away the weekend plans.

She hadn’t pampered herself in a long time. There had been no need. She didn’t usually see the need for such frilly items, but this was for Thad. Who knew when they would get another weekend of leave together?

“Is there anything else I can get for you?” The clerk said in a low, seductive voice. “We have many other items that might enhance whatever you have in store for the person who gets to see you in this.” She held up the black negligee and looked at Shepard with lowered eyelids.

“No,” Shepard replied curtly, shoving her purchases into her bag. Why she had such an effect on asari women, she would never know. Something about her was irresistible to them. Shepard would admit that many of the asari were extremely beautiful, but the simple fact that so many of them fell over at her feet was annoying. She didn’t want fainting women, she wanted someone strong. Someone who could handle her all on his or her own.

Thad.

Shepard picked up her pace to the elevator and drummed her fingers impatiently on the railing as it trudged ever so slowly to the floor she wanted. She nearly pushed open the doors herself when they didn’t open right away.

She paused briefly in front of the door where the reservation was made. She double-checked on her omni-tool that this was the right place. Room #477 – 17th floor. This was it. Maybe Thad was inside. Maybe he wasn’t. He wasn’t expecting her until tomorrow morning. He was probably out. It was almost dinner time. Maybe she would have time to slip into this lacy thing in her bag before he got back and she could perch seductively for him on the bed. The look on his face when he saw her –

Shepard shook her head. Too many daydreams. _Always_ dreaming, her mother would say. _Not enough work going on here._

She programmed in her code and the door lock turned green. Pushing the button, she stepped inside.

The lights were off. She and Thad had decided to splurge and get a suite for the weekend. What else did they have to spend money on anyway? The room she entered was a living room with couches sprawling in front of a wall of windows with a beautiful view of the Presidium. This was perfect.

She flicked on the lights, dropped her bags by the door and walked further in. To her left, there were three steps downward that led into a kitchen and dining room area. The suite continued to turn to the left. And there she saw the bedroom door.

It was shut, but there was light coming from under the door. Her heart fluttered inside her chest. He might be here. He probably hadn’t heard her come in. She bit her lip in nervous anticipation. She walked quietly, cautiously toward the door.

When she reached to push the button for entrance, she stopped. There were noises coming from that room. She couldn’t quite tell what the noises were, so she pressed her ear against the metal door. Her heart nearly stopped.

Voices. One of them was Thad’s. The other was definitely female.

Shepard felt her biotics slowly start to rise with her anger. She knew what was behind this door. Did she really want to see it?

Yes. She did. She wanted to see Thad’s face when he saw her. She wanted to see who he was fucking behind that door and she wanted to slam her face into the ground.

She pushed the button. There they were. Her Thad… _her_ Thad…on the bed with a red-haired woman who was just in the moment of screaming his name.

But just as the name crossed the woman’s lips, Shepard struck out with a biotic throw that tossed both Thad and the red-haired slut against the wall. She held them there. Both of them stunned and staring at her. The woman and Thad… _her_ Thad…were splayed next to each other against the metal wall on the opposite side of the room.

Thad spoke first. “What the hell, Lizzie? I thought you weren’t going to be here until tomorrow.”

Shepard was quiet for a minute. She just held the two of them in her gaze and thought of all the ways she could kill them, right now. But she thought better of it.

She laughed. It was a giggle at first and then it dropped from her throat down to her belly until her whole body was shaking with a laugh so large she almost let Thad and the woman go.

“I catch you in bed with this…this…WHORE,” her voice rose, “and all you can say is ‘I thought you weren’t going to be here until tomorrow?’” she bobbed her head in a mocking impression of his surprise.

Thad blinked slowly.

“What else am I supposed to say? You caught me with her. There’s nothing else to say.”

 Shepard looked closely at Thad. Those eyes. Those deep, dark green eyes. She’d been lost in them the moment she met him.

_She was 14. Their parents had just been assigned to the same ship and Shepard had very few friends. She didn’t fit in well with the other spacer kids. They weren’t biotics. They didn’t know what it was like to have that kind of raw power. They kept their distance from her and refused to train with her. She tried to control her power, but she wasn’t very good at it yet and she often injured people, even those bigger than herself. They all hated her and she felt their scorn._

_Not Thad. He had been different. He had been patient and kind and let her spar with him, even though she usually left him horribly bruised. His eyes always smiled at her when she entered a room. They had been fast friends and as they spent more time together, they realized it was something more. He had admired her skills and told her she was beautiful…_

No. She wouldn’t hurt them. Shepard sighed. Lowering her arm, she released the woman and Thad from her hold. Thad jerked his head toward the door on his right and the red-haired woman nodded, grabbing some blankets to cover herself and ran into the safety of the bathroom, locking the door behind her. Thad started looking around on the floor for some pants and Shepard turned her back on the scene. She knew him well enough. He would gather what dignity he could and come talk to her in a minute.

She returned to the living room. Sitting by the door, mocking her, was the bag of purchases from the Citadel boutique. She almost starting laughing again, but just sunk down onto one of the overstuffed couches and stared out the window. She almost didn’t hear Thad slip next to her on the sofa a moment later.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry, Lizzie.”

Shepard snorted. She could feel his eyes on her, but she wasn’t ready to look at him. Not yet.

“How long have I been a fool?” she asked quietly.

“You’re not a fool,” he replied. She rolled her eyes at him. “You’re not,” he continued. “I’m the fool, but I won’t lie to you. It’s been a while. None of them mean anything. But a year is just too long. A man’s got urges, ya know?”

She laughed outright at that. Yeah, she knew. But he was wrong. She was a complete and utter fool. Them. He had used the plural. That meant there had been more. She was a fool for thinking that he would have been true to her, despite the distance and time that had separated them.

“I guess I should go,” was all she said.

“Can’t we talk about this?” he asked.

“While red-haired bimbo is in the bathroom we were supposed to share for the weekend? I’d rather not.”

“I’ll tell her to leave.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Thad.”

“What do you mean?”

“It means I won’t be a fool anymore. You’re right. A man has _urges_.” She finally met his gaze when she emphasized that word. Those eyes. _Look away_ , she thought. _Don’t get lost in those eyes and lose your nerve. You are better than this. What would Mom say if she knew you didn’t walk out on this louse right now? You’d get more flack for staying with him than you would if you had killed him five minutes ago._

She laughed at her own thoughts. Of course she would be worried about her mother’s opinion of her at this moment. She couldn’t seem to be rid of the disapproval of Hannah Shepard, even at the most inopportune moments.

“I had a surprise for you, ya know,” she began, hesitantly. He raised an eyebrow for her to continue. She slowly pulled herself off the couch and started heading for the bag of lacy things and the door.

“I got transferred to the _Agincourt_ ,” there was that laughter in her throat again. She swallowed and continued, “I’ll just tell Anderson that I don’t want the transfer anymore.”

She dared to look at his face for a reaction. He was smiling. How could he look at her like he was happy she got a transfer to his ship? After what she had just discovered, how in the universe could he be excited about the prospect of them being on the same ship together?

Oh, the eyes. She couldn’t resist them. _Look away_ , her mother’s voice said. _Be strong_.

He rose from the couch and started moving toward her.

“You don’t have to do that. I still want to be with you. And since we will be on the same ship, then you won’t have to worry about this,” he motioned to the bedroom, “ever happening again.”

She backed away from him and put her hands out. She didn’t not want him to touch her. If he touched her, she feared she would give in and lose the resolve she was surprised she had in this moment. “No. You’re right. I won’t have to worry about it ever happening again,” she took another step back before he tried to touch her. “Because we won’t ever see each other again.”

“Lizzie, I still love you. I just – “

“Don’t. Don’t even try to say that. Screwing random women to fulfill your _urges_ while we are apart is not love. And if it is, then I don’t want a part of it.” She turned abruptly.

“Thad,” she hesitated just before the door to the suite. Turning around, she looked into those eyes once more. And, as he had said, for what it was worth, they _did_ look remorseful and sad. Shepard thought she thought they might even look a little wet.

_Tears_?, she thought. _He’s crying? Over me leaving?_   She remembered the boy who had been her friend when she had none. She decided to actually give him a smile for that. He knew her well enough to read what it meant.

_Thank you. Thank you for getting me through the last five years of my life._

“I do hope that you will be happy.” She picked up the bag, pushed the button, and left the suite a little older than she was before she entered.

>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<< 

“Vakarian! You comin’?” the tall, eager C-Sec officer with sharp blue eyes turned and smiled at the image in front of him.

There she was. A vision of perfect turian female. And she was leaning on the doorjam of his office. His office. Not one of the other hot-blooded young turians that he knew was chasing her. She was here for him. Just him. Garrus Vakarian. Plain old C-Sec grunt.

“So impatient,” he teased. “Business before pleasure.”

“Oh, Vakarian, you’re so _dull_!” but she smiled back at him as she walked around his desk to prop herself right in front of the reports he had spread in front of him, denying him access. “It’s the weekend. Put the paperwork away and enjoy some time off with me. The gang is meeting at the Flux and we’re late.”

She had a way of dragging him away from his work, at least for a few hours. He had already decided before she darkened his doorway that he would put everything away as soon as she arrived, but he didn’t have to let her know that.

“I don’t know, Trynix. Pallin wants these reports in three sleep cycles and I haven’t even started. You may have to go solo tonight.”

The thin, beautiful turian blinked her eyes at him. He wasn’t sure if she was going to walk out on him or charge him. But when his mandibles spread into a smile, she did the same and laughed.

“Come on, Garrus. Let me help you forget your troubles tonight.” And with that she stood up and started for the door. He watched the way she moved, admiring her from her spurs to her slender waist to her fringe.

She turned back to look at him quizzically. Impatiently, he rose from his chair, grasped her around the waist and locked the door with one talon as they shuffled out into the Citadel corridor.


	2. Some Creepy Turian with a Fetish for Humans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Borderline non-con situation in this chapter that may be triggering for some. However, nothing non-con actually occurs.

The door hissed shut behind her.  She knew he wouldn’t come after her. He had more dignity than that and she didn’t want him to anyway. She’d held herself together as well as she could, but as soon as those doors shut, she dropped her bag on the ground, leaned up against the wall and felt herself drop slowly to the floor.

She didn’t cry. Her head simply dropped between her legs as she sat there with her elbows resting on her knees. Elizabeth Shepard would not cry. Not here. Not outside of #477 on the 17th floor of the Citadel.

With a sigh, she pushed herself up, straightened her shoulders, and picked up her bags with new determination. She knew exactly what she was going to do. She was going to drink herself into oblivion. Thank goodness the Citadel’s drinking age was 18.

*********

“Nope.”

That was all she said. No, she had not had enough to drink. It was obvious that the bartender wanted to get rid of her. She had been sitting in the same seat for hours, trying as many different alcoholic beverages as she could get. She knew people were staring at her. She didn’t care. She knew none of them. None of them knew her. What did it matter if they pitied her, or scorned her, or laughed at her for drowning her sorrows in the plethora of drinks at her disposal?

But her back was a little sore from sitting for so long.

Dancing. That sounded fun and would get her off this barstool for a bit.

She looked over at the people already dancing. They looked happy. Carefree. They hadn’t caught their lovers with a red-haired harlot in the suite they were supposed to share for a blessed two days and three nights.

Maybe she would feel better if she danced.

Shepard slammed her drink down on the counter. The bartender looked relieved for a brief second as she made her way to the dance floor. _Don’t worry_ , she told him in her head. _I’ll be back soon._

She was a horrible dancer. She knew it. But she didn’t care. At this moment, nothing mattered but complete, reckless, wild abandon that made her forget everything about her life. Arms flailing, legs kicking, head bobbing, she looked like a top spinning wildly out of control…and not in a good way. She could tell that people were clearing away from her on the dance floor – afraid that she might accidentally hit them with one of those flailing limbs.

She felt her biotics flaring up. That was the sign to stop. She was losing control. The alcohol. Her heart pounding from the crazy dance. The feelings in her chest when she told herself to stop thinking about Thad and then thought about him some more. As quickly as she had started the primitive movements that she called a dance, she stopped. She stood there for a moment, catching her breath. It did feel good to lose herself, but she had worked off enough of the alcohol that she could tell she needed another drink.

She turned back toward the bar and then she saw him. Or rather, she felt him. Even as her head was beginning to fog from the amount of alcohol she had consumed, her instincts kicked in and she felt before she saw a set of piercing eyes watching her from the corner.

She flicked her eyes to the left. A turian. He just sat there, surrounded by other turians all having a good time together, but for some reason he had an eye on her. His eyes snapped back to the group of friends surrounding him and he smiled at them, but even in her inebriated haze, she could tell he had been watching her.

She shrugged. It didn’t matter. Even if he was some creepy turian with a fetish for humans, she could take him. She’d blast him across the room just like she had Thad a few hours before….

 _Ugh,_ she groaned inwardly. _More alcohol_.

She saw the bartender’s frustrated look when she resumed her position at the bar, but he didn’t say anything this time – just handed her something new to drink.

“You’re new here.” She turned slowly to see an attractive blonde man leaning on the bar and smiling at her. He was tall and well-built with a small amount of 5 o’clock shadow. She liked a little bit of stubble. Thad always had a little bit of stubble. Said he hated shaving. Got in trouble for it all the time, but he didn’t care. _Damn the man_ , he would tell her…

“That a problem?” she replied, taking another swig of whatever strange concoction was in front of her.

“Not at all. In fact, my friends and I were hoping you would join us.”

“And who are your friends?” The blonde motioned to his left. She turned slowly so her head didn’t spin any more than it felt like it was. She saw three men and two women sitting at a table not far from the bar.

“You looked like you could use a good time tonight. The name’s Josiah,” he smiled again and reached out to touch her shoulder lightly. “Come on, come join us. We can help you forget whatever it is you’re trying to forget. A pretty girl like you shouldn’t have anything to forget.” He moved closer as he spoke and his grip tightened on her shoulder and started moving down her back. Just as he was about to drop his hand to grab her ass, she shot her hand out and grabbed his arm.

“I’d stop there if you want to walk away with all your limbs in tact,” she said in a low voice.

He just laughed at her. “And what are you gonna do about it, sweetheart? Drink me to death?” He laughed again. She looked up at him. With a quick glance over Josiah’s shoulder she could see the blue-eyed turian watching the encounter. She snapped her eyes back on the human in front of her. It was too bad Josiah was so attractive. She hated hurting pretty people. _Thad_ , she thought. _Up against the wall…_

And she lashed out. Her biotics rose to the forefront and she threw him, just like she threw Thad, against the wall behind her.

The music stopped. She didn’t even look to see if he was ok. She knew he was. She didn’t throw him that hard really.

“Fuck!” she heard him scream. “Crazy, psychotic bitch! What’s wrong with you?!?”

She ignored him and turned back to her drink. She pushed her empty glass toward the bartender and without a word, he filled it for her. The music started up again. She could hear Josiah’s party getting up to leave. She didn’t give them a glance. She just drank. And drank. And drank.

She stayed for another hour. People were migrating toward the door and leaving. Most of them gave her a strange look on their way out. Many were slumped over, drunk. Some looked sweaty from dancing on the club floor. Others were clearly in the arms of drunken embraces that would turn into a night of pleasure if they could manage to remember it in the morning.

The group of turians was still at their table in the corner. She had caught the blue-eyed one looking at her again a few times. What was he looking for? Why was he watching her? She couldn’t read his face. Turians were impossible to read. But if she could, she would have said he looked concerned.

She shuddered at the thought. How pathetic she must really look. Even the creepy turian pitied her.

She sighed and settled her tab with the bartender. Her legs felt like jelly. She had to stop before she couldn’t walk herself back to the ship.

The ship. She chortled under her breath and hiccupped slightly. She was going to spend her first night of leave on the ship while Thad spent his weekend with red-head, half of the hotel bill paid with Shepard’s savings.

She did what she could to straighten her shoulders. It was useless. She trudged out the door. The turian was still there. She gave him a slight smile and a nod on her way out, just so he knew that she was aware of him.

The corridors were quiet. There were a few people leaving bars and clubs, but most were tucked into their beds. She knew her way around the Citadel in her sleep. Even with the cloud on her mind, she could make her way back to the docking bay.

Blinking slowly as her eyes adjusted to the change in light from the club to the street, she turned to her left. There was a shortcut. That alleyway that she and Thad had found as teenagers when their parents’ ship had docked a few years ago.

She choked back a sob. It was just a shortcut. It would get her back to the ship faster and then she could collapse on her bed and sink into oblivion for real.

Briefly she checked her omni-tool. No messages. She wasn’t sure what she expected. Something from Thad. Something more than “I’m sorry, Lizzie….I still love you…”

Dragging her slumped and tired body, she placed her feet, one in front of the other and trudged through the dim red light of the alleyway. She twisted slightly when she thought she heard a noise behind her. She peered into the corridor behind her. Nothing. Or at least she thought there was nothing.

She turned back and tried to walk a little faster. She was more drunk than she wanted to admit. She didn’t feel quite as certain of herself as she did in the club. Maybe it was because she was alone. Maybe it was because she was still reeling from the day’s events. Maybe – _Shit_ …

There he was. _Where the hell did he come from?_ , she thought, as a sort of horror settled over her. Blonde hair, laughing eyes and mouth twisted into a snarl. Josiah had not quite tucked his tail between his legs and run. He had waited for her.

”You’ll pay for what you did, bitch.”

“Sure I will. I’ll transfer a few credits to your account. I’m sure that will cover your doctor bill.” Even though she knew that would probably just make him angry, she said it anyway. What did she have to lose? Besides, he was alone. She could take him on his own.

“That won’t be enough.” The voice came from behind her. She whirled around in surprise. _Shit. Shit, shit, shit_. _Why can’t I keep my big mouth shut?_ , a wave of panic flooded through her as the three other men from the club appeared in the alley. She was surrounded by four slightly inebriated, angry men and she was entirely wasted herself.

She had no time to react. Even if she had, as drunk as she was, she would never have been able to protect herself from what happened. All four of the men jumped her at the same time. One of them grabbed her arms and the other two took one leg each. She fought and kicked and struggled, but she couldn’t fight them off. Shepard tried to call her biotics up to her disposal, but she had finally drunk enough alcohol that her biotic abilities were too weak to be of any use. She couldn’t control them. And at the moment, she was so afraid that she could barely control her thoughts.  

 _Shit_. That was all Shepard could think. Too far. She had gone too far. _If I had just stopped a few drinks ago…but now, I’ve got nothing._ She quit fighting. Real, pure terror overcame her. Between the alcohol and the three men holding her down, she was frozen.

Her dread continued to rise as she realized what Josiah was doing. He had a knife in his hand, but he didn’t look like he was going to hurt her with it. No. This was worse. So that his cohorts did not have to release their hold on her, he bent down and placed the knife just below the edge of her shirt and began to slice it apart.

It cut through the cloth easily, exposing her chest to all four of them. Josiah’s mouth grinned sickly. But he didn’t stop. He did the same to her pants and ripped all the cloth aside until she was writhing on the cold metal of the floor in nothing but her underwear and bra.

“This is the way you’ll pay, you filthy tramp,” he said through his teeth, as he undid his pants. “Turn her over, boys. You can have your turn when I’m done with her.”

She fought and kicked and tried to scream, but she knew there was no one to hear her. They struggled with her, but got her turned over. The floor was cold pressed against her face and she braced herself for what was about to happen. She heard Josiah get down on his knees and felt his hand between her legs. But before he could manage to get any farther than that, she heard the rifle shot.

Josiah’s limp body fell onto her back. She felt a warm trickle of blood running down her side.

As soon as Josiah fell, the three men let go of her arms and legs and started to run. But she heard the gun crack three more times and three corresponding thuds as three bodies dropped to the floor. She closed her eyes and thanked the gods or fate or whatever was out there for the second time that day, but this time she really meant it.

Still too stunned to move, Shepard simply lay there on the floor, breathing and collecting whatever dignity she could. She turned her head slightly to look at where the three men had fallen. Perfectly clean head shots in each one’s brain. _Impressive_ , she thought. _Extremely impressive._

 Finally, she lifted her head to see who her savior had been.

That turian. The piercing blue eyes were looking at her and the turian body attached to them was walking slowly toward her. _Who is this guy?_ , she thought, bewildered.

Shepard rolled over and kicked Josiah’s body off of her. She reached for the remaining shreds of her clothes next to her on the ground to try and cover herself up a bit, but it was useless. They wouldn’t cover anything worth covering anymore. At least Josiah hadn’t destroyed her bra or panties. She thanked the gods for the third time.

She tried to stand up straight. The ordeal from the last ten minutes had sobered her up a bit, so it was easier than she thought. The blue-eyed turian stopped in front of her with that same look of concern she had seen in the club.

“I guess I should say thank you,” she began. She realized how ridiculous she must look and suddenly felt very sorry for thinking the blue-eyed turian had been creepy.

Then he spoke.

“Nothing to be thankful for. Just doing what I can to keep the Citadel a little safer.” She had always liked the way turian voices sounded. That set of subharmonics was like music. It resonated something deep within her chest. Something soothing. Something like home, like the rumble of the ship’s engines that helped put her to sleep each night cycle.

“You must think I’m quite an idiot,” she chuckled, hoping to get a light-hearted reaction from him to ease the tension she was feeling. But no luck. He just kept looking at her with that kind, concerned look.

“Not at all. That guy was a prick. I’ve been watching him for a while. That was quite a display you put on in the club,” his piercing eyes flashed at her briefly. “It was rather impressive, actually.”

Shepard was grateful for the red light in the corridor that hid her blush. _Why am I blushing?_ _I’m blushing for a turian? What is going on? I’m still drunk_ ….That was the only logical conclusion she could think of at first.

_No. I’m blushing for the turian who just saved me from something horrible after drinking myself stupid. I’m blushing for my new-found hero._

She quickly looked for a way to change the subject so she didn’t have to try to sift through these strange feelings coursing through her, tainted by the fog of alcohol.

“I hate to sound ungrateful, but why were you watching me all night and how the hell did you find me here?” she smirked slightly, still embarrassed to be standing in her undergarments in the middle of a dim alley in front of this blue-eyed turian turned hero and his handy dandy sniper rifle still in hand.

“Of course. Sorry. I always keep an eye out for people in trouble. I work for C-Sec. Even when I’m off-duty, I guess I can’t really turn off the ‘looking out for people’ mode. You looked like you were having a rough night and Josiah had his eye on you from the minute you walked into the club.”

“Josiah, huh? You already knew his name.”

“Like I said, I’ve been watching him for a while,” she thought he smiled at her then. She couldn’t really tell. She couldn’t read his turian expression, but she thought it looked like a smile in those sharp, blue eyes. “After your biotic stunt, I had a hunch he might want some payback, so I followed to make sure you got to wherever you were going after you left. Speaking of which, come on,” he motioned to the doors at the end of the alley. “Let’s get you to wherever you were going.”

She nodded. All of a sudden, she felt like she could collapse in a heap and sleep for days. In fact, she planned on doing just that…as soon as she made it back to the ship.

Thankfully, there were even less people wandering the corridors of the Citadel now than there were when she left the club. That meant less people to see her in her underwear. She kicked herself silently for deciding to drop off her bags before heading to the club. It had seemed like a good idea at the time.

The turian walked wordlessly at her side the whole way back to the docking bay. They reached the ship and she turned to thank him again.

“Promise me you won’t get drunk like that alone again,” he had that look on his face again that she thought was a smile.

“I won’t promise that. But I will promise to bring my gun next time.”

He chuckled and his subharmonics rumbled. “Better than nothing, I guess.” And with that, he turned back to the Citadel.

She watched him go. Her chest twinged slightly with a feeling she couldn’t place. Sadness? Regret? She wasn’t sure. But she was still drunk. And tired. Sleep. She would worry about these strange feelings later.

>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<< 

He didn’t have much experience with human expressions, but she had seemed grateful. Garrus stood a little straighter knowing that even on his night off, he was able to do some good. He lived for that feeling – to do good in the world. If only his father wasn’t such a stick in the mud about SPECTRE training, he could do good whenever he wanted with no red tape and no blasted paperwork.

He had left the small, thin human outside her ship in her undergarments. It was a strange sight. She had been a very interesting piece to watch this evening. After her biotic display, he knew that if she had been sober she would not have needed his help at all. In fact, she could probably have done him some serious damage if he had gotten in her way on a good day.

He was not surprised to find out she was Alliance. _With those biotics, I should have known she wasn’t just some common civilian_. He was intrigued by this fragile looking human with the hidden powers and almost wished he could have met her on a day when she was having a better time. Clearly something had happened to her today. Garrus Vakarian was a good listener, but what would he say to her?

“Oh hi. I’m Officer Vakarian and I would love to help you with your problems.” He shook his head at the thought and laughed inwardly at himself. She might throw him against the wall just for saying that, like she had Josiah.

Thank goodness he had a reason to kill that bastard. Garrus hated that guy. He smiled again thinking that he had truly done some good today with his trusty rifle.

He really did hope that little human recovered from whatever had brought her to the Flux. He felt a twinge of sorrow for her when he remember how utterly depressing her appearance and demeanor had been all evening and how grateful her eyes looked when he had come to her rescue.

Hopefully Trynix wasn’t asleep yet. He was still reeling a bit from his earlier adrenaline rush. Garrus Vakarian had a few non-dull ideas about how to end the night on a high note.


	3. Something More Than Gratitude

She tried to find him, but she didn’t have enough time. By the time she sobered herself up and stopped feeling like she was going to die from the worst hangover of her life, her search of the Citadel for her mysterious blue-eyed hero was to no avail.

She felt the worst that she didn’t even know his name. She hadn’t thought to ask him while she was completely hammered, and C-Sec wouldn’t tell her anything. She talked to the stuffy captain down in headquarters until she was blue in the face. Why was it some sort of secret who the C-Sec officers were?

She returned to the ship feeling quite discouraged. How could she ever repay his kindness? She hated owing people favors. Not only did she owe him for saving her from the torment Josiah and his buddies would have inflicted, but she owed him for helping her get through the hardest days after she found Thad and red-head. Somehow, having a new hero to focus on helped her forget her old one a little more often.

Thad had been her hero. He had saved her from the ridicule of puberty and awkward teenage years. And she had loved him for it.

She couldn’t say she loved her new hero. Of course she couldn’t. She didn’t even know his name. But how her blue-eyed turian had cared enough about one seemingly random person getting overly drunk on the Citadel made her feel something she couldn’t quite describe.

She returned to duty and laughed at herself everytime she thought of him. Here she was. Private Elizabeth Shepard. Daydreaming about the tall, dark and handsome turian who had saved her. In the club, she had thought he was a creepy turian with a human fetish. So what did that make her now? A creepy human with a turian fetish?

No. Not a fetish. A strange connection with one turian. One turian who had watched out for her when she had no one else. One turian who had protected her when she acted foolishly. One turian who had her back when she was in danger.

She was ashamed to admit that he invaded her thoughts so much. It made her feel weak. She didn’t really need a hero, or a man for that matter, to keep her happy. But for the next few weeks on duty, she had a distraction to keep her from dwelling on the-past-that-was-Thad. She didn’t have to tell anyone. It was her little secret. No one would ever know about the soft spot she had for the blue-eyed turian who rescued her from the red-lit alley on the worst day of her life and how he would be the subject of many a daydream (and possibly real dreams too) for as long as she wanted to dream about him.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Trynix never disappointed him. They were still a little young, but if they stuck together much longer, he planned on asking his father if she would be an appropriate bondmate and addition to the clan. He daydreamed about the way his clan’s markings would look on her light grey plates.

“Snap out of it, Vakarian,” Pallin’s voice grated on Garrus’s nerves every time he opened his mouth, but always the soldier, he stifled his irritation. “You want to tell me about the four dead humans in the alleyway behind Flux?”

“Check the vid, Pallin. They were about to commit serious sexual and bodily harm to a defenseless human female. I was just helping out.” He knew Pallin wouldn’t stop there. The red tape. Always the red tape.

“That’s not how we handle things around here, Vakarian, and you know it. I’ve a mind to relieve you of your post indefinitely. The Systems Alliance is livid about those four dead pyjaks.” Pallin spit to the side.

“Then tell them to check the vid as well. They’ll see why those bastards deserved to die.”

“You stupid upstart. You think you can talk to me like that?”

“I’m not trying to be rude, sir. I’m simply telling you what happened. You know as well as I do that I made the right call and they would have butchered that poor human girl.”

“Look, Vakarian. I’m giving you an out this time. Get out of my office and take a week’s leave. Otherwise, you won’t have a place to come back to. And when you do come back, you do things my way. I’ve had about enough of you. If your father knew…”

Garrus got up at that and tuned out the rest as he went for the door.

“You hear me, Vakarian? This is the last straw. Your lack of respect for the way things should be done around here is just about at the limit. You’re not a SPECTRE, and you never will be. Not as long as they have to ask me for a recommendation. Turn and look at me when I’m speaking to you!”

Garrus turned around slowly. It was all he could do to hold back from charging across the room and ramming Pallin into the floor, but he did nothing. Said nothing. Just stared at Pallin coldly with those steel-blue eyes.

Pallin looked at him for a second and then sighed.

“Look. I know what those idiotic humans were going to do and I know what you did, but dammit, Garrus. There are rules and procedures. If nothing else, you should have called for some backup, let alone the fact they should have been brought in to custody, not shot with a sniper rifle in an alleyway behind a nightclub.”

Garrus knew that Pallin wouldn’t really stay on him for long. He had done the right thing and Pallin knew it. All he had to do was remain calm and he’d get out of this scrape easy. Perhaps he could still get that week’s worth of leave for “bad behavior.” Trynix would be thrilled to have some free time. Maybe they could take a weekend trip and…

“Get out, Vakarian. Week’s leave of absence. Back to duty after that and no more shenanigans. Just call for backup and get a second opinion next time, alright?” Pallin sat at his desk in resignation. Garrus refrained from smiling and simply said, “Yes, sir.”

But the whole encounter had made Garrus remember how that delicate human had looked. Standing there in the night in her undergarments, looking at him with that strange look on her face. He wished he could read human expressions better, because it seemed to be gratitude, but also something more than gratitude.

It almost made him shiver as he walked briskly to Trynix’s apartment. _Oh well_ , he thought. _At least she’s safe._

_And I have a week off._


	4. Nothing if Not a Gentleman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a lot of liberties with the canon in this one. My apologies to the purists, but clearly I am not one.

She’d never been to Palaven before. Shepard was not prepared for how beautiful it was. She wasn’t sure what she had expected, but it was much nicer than she thought. She wished she could take off the damned enviro-suit she had to wear as protection from the radiation and breathe in the planet, but it wasn’t worth the exposure.

Anderson had cancelled her transfer as quickly as she asked him to. He clearly saw something in her because he kept promoting her quickly. The events on Elysium had helped, she was sure, but she always felt like she was Anderson’s pet project. He seemed to have a soft spot for her.

Not that she was complaining. She didn’t mind moving up through the ranks of the Alliance faster than anyone her age had ever done before. She’d even received a few proud messages from her mother. Shepard would never tell anyone that she had actually printed those messages on real paper and stuffed them in a box of keepsakes she kept under her bunk. They meant more to her than anything.

But still, sometimes she felt like she’d cheated the system. Sometimes it felt like she was 15 all over again and all the other kids hated her, except now they weren’t kids anymore. They were full-grown marines, jealous of her success. But whenever she started to feel guilty, she just reminded herself that they didn’t save her ass from a squadron of batarian slavers during the Blitz. She saved theirs. Sometimes it made her feel better.

She followed Anderson through the streets of Cipritine. She wasn’t sure why he had brought her here, but she was happy to be asked along. Shepard had never forgotten her blue-eyed turian. Everytime they stopped by the Citadel, she kept an eye out for him, and even though she knew it was impossible, she kept an eye out for him now in the turian capital.

She laughed at herself. _Humor is a good thing. Being able to laugh at myself is healthy. But I’m sure glad that no one can read my thoughts. It’s a good thing no one knows what a hopeless romantic Commander Elizabeth Shepard really is._

Suddenly, Anderson stopped.

“We’re here, Shepard,” he said.

“Where’s that, sir?” she asked.

“Where our future is decided.” She knew better than to ask what he meant. When he spoke in terms like that, she knew she wasn’t supposed to understand and she trusted him. He never let her down. If he didn’t want her to know what was going on, she wouldn’t push it. She was nothing if not a good soldier.

Anderson turned to the right and passed through a pair of glass sliding doors. A turian receptionist greeted them at the front desk.

“Captain Anderson,” he said. Shepard’s heart gave a little leap at the subharmonic sounds she craved. “They are waiting for you just down the hall.”

Anderson gave a nod and met Shepard’s gaze  so she knew to follow. At the end of the hall, a large door opened and she saw three turians seated at a round conference table in the middle of a conversation. They seemed relaxed, so she relaxed a little as well, still curious as to why they were here.

Assuming that she was simply here as Anderson’s escort, she assumed a guard position by the door, standing alert. The metal doors clicked shut after they entered the room.

“Captain Anderson,” said a tall, brown turian with gray-green eyes. “Thank you for coming. We are ready to proceed with the matter we discussed previously but wanted to meet in person to confirm that everything is in place.”

The three turians all rose in turn to shake Anderson’s hand and exchanged quick greetings. Then one of them walked towards her at her post. _He’s a handsome turian_ , she thought. _Whatever that means. When the hell did I think I was a good judge of turian looks?_ Then she realized she was simply comparing this red and white colored turian to her blue-eyed hero. His coloring was different, but he seemed to have a similar shape and size.

“Commander Shepard,” something in her stomach flipped as he looked at her and spoke her name with those glorious sounds. “We are also glad that you have come. Will you please join us at the table? You are not here to guard the door.”

There was something slightly mocking in his voice and his mandibles flared slightly, just like her blue-eyed turian hero’s had done when she thought he was smiling at her. She hoped he didn’t notice the slight flush in her cheeks as she nodded and took a seat next to Anderson at the table. The red turian took the seat next to hers after she sat down. She couldn’t help but notice he was still watching her.

“We appreciate you helping us with this duty, Captain,” the grey turian finally spoke. “It is a mission of great delicacy and we simply wanted to thank you in person.”

“We also wanted to meet the famed Commander Shepard of Elysium,” the red turian spoke again. He seemed to have what might be a smirk on his face, but not a rude one. Something appeared to amuse him when he looked at her. “But we have been rude. You do not know who we are, do you Commander?”

“No, sir, I’m afraid I don’t,” she replied. She was curious to know what was going on. Human and turian relations were often strained. It was completely bizarre that she was here on the turian homework in the turian capital, because briefed about some unknown joint mission. She hoped that the conversation would be more than mere pleasantries and she would discover what it was that Anderson was keeping from her.

“My name is Nihlus Kryik. But just call me Nihlus.”

“I am Ranik Skiarin,” said the grey turian.

“And I am Trivian Palark,” concluded the brown turian.

Anderson spoke up next. “We have been asked to help the turian hierarchy with a mission, Shepard. Nihlus will be accompanying us to our next destination. He will be working with you and your team very closely. I brought you so you could be properly introduced and not surprised by the new assignment.”

“May I ask what the mission is, sir?” she addressed her question to Anderson.

“We don’t know much at the moment,” she could tell he was dodging the question. “Nihlus will fill us in on more of the details as we get closer. But the Alliance has agreed to this joint mission and turian command specifically requested that you assist. Also, the _Normandy_ ’s stealth system may come in handy for what we have to do, but having you on the _Normandy_ made our ship and your team the best choice.”

“I appreciate the vote of confidence, sir,” she said to Anderson. Looking around she noticed that all three turians were staring at her intently. It made her a little uncomfortable. She turned to the handsome, red-colored turian. “I appreciate the chance to work with you, Nihlus. I’m sure that I can learn much from your experience.”

This seemed to appease him as well as the other two turians. The mandibles on all of them flared, almost in unison and Shepard silently thanked her mother for teaching her manners.

“I think there will be much to learn on my end as well, Commander. We are grateful for your efforts on Elysium,” his bright eyes softened in their gaze. “You may not know this, but a turian freighter had stopped to resupply there at the same time you were there. You saved turian lives as well as human. We do not forget that kind of thing.”

She resisted the urge to look down and tried to tell her skin not to blush. She didn’t know how effective her efforts were, but thankfully, no one was intently staring at her anymore as they were all rising from the table.

“Well, take care, Nihlus, and report back to us frequently,” Trivian said.

“Yes, I will report as soon as I have any news,” Nihlus replied, and with that, farewell pleasantries were exchanged.

“Captain. Commander,” Nihlus addressed each of them in turn. “I will meet you on your ship in less than an hour. I have a few things to tie up here.”

“Of course,” Anderson nodded. “We will be ready.”

************

She decided to punch things. That was the only way to get rid of what she was feeling. She hadn’t been so confused by her feelings since she’d met her blue-eyed hero. She changed out of her armor as soon as she arrived back on the ship and dragged some work out equipment onto the cargo bay floor.

A secret mission. A turian on board. A handsome turian at that. Anderson keeping her in the dark. So many things to mull over. Punching things was much easier.

She worked on the punching bag until her fingers felt numb and she couldn’t kick her legs anymore. The cargo bay had emptied long ago for dinner, but she wasn’t hungry. Too many thoughts and questions that she would rather not ponder. Just punch.

But eventually, she had to stop. She was tired and hungry and could use a shower. She placed her hands on her knees and bent over to catch her breath for a minute before heading to the showers.

She nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard the subharmonics float from behind her.

“That was quite an impressive display,” came the voice.

She whipped around so fast that the bun on the nape of her neck almost came undone.

She smirked slightly when she realized he had been watching her. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”

“Oh really?” He was leaning against a set of crates with one leg crossed over the other and arms folded over his chest. She felt almost naked in front of him. His penetrating gaze seemed to go right through her. It wasn’t as pleasant as blue-eyed-hero-turian, but it was close. She could tell he was taking her in from head to toe. The mandibles flared. “Then show me some more.”

Her heart was pounding. Was he hitting on her or making fun of her? She couldn’t tell, but she wasn’t going to play his game.

“I’d love to, but a girl needs to eat. I can show you some other moves later.”

He seemed to like that response.

“I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

*********

_What the hell is going on with my life?_ She scarfed down her food and took a shower. She knew she would need another one later if she was really going to work out some more, but she didn’t care. She was not going back down to the cargo bay with the red, handsome turian smelling like this.

She took a glance in the mirror before she headed down. Long, blonde locks tightly coiled into a bun as usual. No make up, but not bad. She wore a pair of tight work out pants and a tank top. She ran a quick hand over her breasts, stomach, and butt.

_Not bad for 29, Shepard. Not bad at all._

She had a few scars. She doubted if anyone who knew her ten years ago would recognize her now. Thad might, but only because her eyes looked the same. Maybe a little more experienced, but the same. Elysium had taken its toll on her though. She had one long scar stretching from her left ear, across her reconstructed nose, and up underneath her right eye. She may have earned a medal for her heroics, but she had not come out unscathed.

She cursed quietly at the brief thought of Thad and put herself back in the present. Her thoughts drifted back to that night and the blue-eyed turian. _Would he recognize me if I saw him again?_ She smiled slightly at the idea that her hero might not recognize her if she ever found him. That would give her a chance to give a good first impression instead of standing there like a drunken fool in her underwear in the middle of the night…

She shook her head to bring herself back into the present. There was a hot, red turian in the cargo bay, waiting for her.

And he _was_ waiting for her, just as he said. She had almost expected him to change his mind and tell her that they would have to reconvene on a different day. It was getting a little late. But he was reading a message on a data pad when she made it back to the lower level.

However, he had put all her equipment away. She gave him a puzzled look.

“I had some different training in mind,” he answered her unspoken question.

“What’s that?”

“Hand-to-hand combat.”

“Biotics allowed?”

“No way, cheater,” he grinned at her with that. She was getting better at reading his face, she thought.

“All right. I guess I will just have to kick your ass the slow way.”

“Is that so?” he crouched and assumed a defensive position.

She lowered her gaze.

“I always get my man,” she teased. She thought she heard a slight growl come from his chest at that comment.

Either way, his voice was definitely lower when he replied, “I bet you do.”

And with that, he lunged at her. But she was fast. He missed her head by a fraction of a second. It was so on.

She hadn’t had competition this good for years. Not since Thad.

She pushed that thought out of her head. _Not now. Must concentrate and not get head bashed in._

He was good. He wasn’t as fast as her, but he was strong. He got a few good kicks and punches in, but so did she. She had never sparred with a turian before. She wasn’t quite sure how to counter all his attacked, but she learned quickly. She even caught him off guard a few times.

But his stamina was better than hers, and she found herself wearing down. He took advantage of that and gave her a few quick blows to the chest. Her breath caught in her chest and she backed off, trying to regain her composure, but it was too late. He was on top of her, pinning her down to the mat.

“I yield,” she gasped.

“Yes, you do,” he replied. “But that was very good. Not many turians can keep up with me as well as you just did.”

She let the compliment roll through her – literally – the subharmonics in his voice vibrated through her body. She had never been this close to a turian before. He was touching her. Lying on top of her. Pinning her to the mat with his body.

And he wasn’t moving.

She wasn’t sure if this was some sort of turian protocol or if there was something she was supposed to say or do, but she didn’t really mind him being there. So she waited. His gaze was so intense and she started to imagine all the things she wished he would do as she was lying there…

And then he released her.

_Damn it,_ she thought. She slowly pulled herself up and straightened her clothes. She could feel Nihlus still watching her and decided to test the waters.

Commander Elizabeth Shepard pulled the knot out of her hair and let it hang down her back. That bun hadn’t stayed in well while sparring and she decided to take advantage of one of her best assets while the good-looking turian was watching her.

Again, it was so quiet she thought she was imagining it, but she could have sworn she heard his breath hitch as her hair came down. She smiled inwardly at the thought. He may have pinned her, but she had him pinned in another way. She could use that next time. Oh, she hoped there was a next time.

“Good match,” he finally said. “Meet me here tomorrow. Same time. We will continue then.”

“You think you can take me again?” she smirked at him. “I may not be so easy next time.”

“Oh I’m betting on that, Shepard.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<< 

He thought he had finally figured out how that human had felt all those years ago. He had had a terrible year. Blocked from SPECTRE training – by his own father, no less. Losing another possible bondmate – this time to the long hours he spent at his job. And speaking of his job, he was stuck in a dead-end C-Sec position. Couldn’t get much worse.

_Quit your pity party, Vakarian_ , he said to himself. _You look pathetic._

But he found he didn’t care and that was why he was remembering that little human with the yellow hair. She had sat in this exact chair at the Flux feeling something similar to what he was feeling now, he was sure of it.

_I wonder if she is ok._ He thought about her on occasion. He wished he had gotten her name. She was one of the last people he felt like he helped before he gave in to the red tape and the rules. He hadn’t had a choice, or at least that’s what he told himself.

But really it was just his father. Tavius Vakarian seemed to block Garrus at every turn. Garrus took another swig and growled. That made the other patrons of the bar inch a little further away from him.

_But that little pink colored human with the yellow hair and the black lacy undergarments_ , he reminisced, _I helped her once._

Black lacy undergarments? When had he thought of her that way. He’d never really noticed what she was wearing except that it wasn’t much. Garrus Vakarian was nothing if not a gentleman and he hadn’t really paid attention to the fact that the little human had been wearing almost nothing.

But a human? He must be very, very drunk. He’d never thought of a human that way before. He wondered what they felt like, underneath those clothes and those lacy, black underclothes…

_Enough_. He slammed his glass down and headed for the door. _Sleep and a cold shower._


	5. Turian Stamina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More liberties with the canon. Canonites beware.

They had been sparring for what felt like hours. Shepard had been more prepared this time – doing a little extranet research on turian pressure points and strategies.

And it was working. He was starting to tire. She could see him panting. She was having trouble breathing as well, but she hoped he couldn’t tell how bad it was for her. He had given her some pretty good hits to the chest too, maybe cracked a rib, but she ignored the pain and continued on. She hadn’t had this much fun in a long time and she’d be damned if she would give up now.

She thought that Nihlus seemed to enjoy their time together as much as she did. He had spent almost every free moment with her since he had joined the crew five days before. He ate with her in the mess, attended all the briefings she had with Captain Anderson, even joked with her in the cargo bay as they both cleaned and modded their weapons.

Each night, Nihlus ordered everyone out of the cargo bay and they obeyed him. Anderson had informed the crew that Nihlus was not just here on behalf of the turian hierarchy. He was a SPECTRE and everyone listened to him because of it.

She controlled her reaction to that revelation in front of everyone but later talked to Anderson about it. Anderson pushed her off with some bullshit about not being able to tell her what was going on, so she didn’t push it. It didn’t really matter anyway. She liked having Nihlus on board.

She liked his company. She liked it a lot. And she found she was comparing him less and less to her blue-eyed hero and evaluating him more as an individual. He had studied humans and understood her idioms and wise-cracks. He laughed at her jokes, and she in turn enjoyed hearing about the love he had for his homeworld and some of the exploits he had as a SPECTRE.

She liked his bright green eyes almost as much as the piercing blue ones that saved her from Josiah.

Her heart gave a slight flutter the first morning she found him waiting for her in the mess. She wasn’t sure how to approach him after their first match, or if the only time she would spend with him would be sparring in the cargo bay. She had hoped to spend more time with him. She was not disappointed.

He was sitting at a table with a cup of something dextro for him and a cup of coffee, still hot, for her. They had hit it off from then and she wasn’t sure she cared where they were headed on this mission. She just didn’t want it to end.

“You know,” she said to him one morning. “It’s a little strange to actually spend time with a turian. You guys don’t tend to like us very much.”

“I could say that most humans don’t tend to like turians much either,” he replied. “That doesn’t stop you from spending time with me.”

“Maybe not, but you’re interesting. You’ve got good stories and I like to learn all I can about my competition.” She flashed a challenging smile at him. He responded cryptically with, “I would expect nothing less.”

She was a little disappointed with that remark, but he continued. “Besides, Commander, not all turians think humanity so disgusting. I, for one, have always found your species very interesting. And if it produces soldiers like you, then your race has a lot of potential.”

She had to get up from the table at that comment to refill her cup with more coffee so he didn’t see her blush.

It had been a long time since she had someone to talk to. Since Thad…no one listened to her like Thad did. Except Nihlus – he listened to her even better than Thad had and his eyes never left her. Although she did occasionally catch him staring at that bun she kept tight on the back of her neck. She would never have guessed that turians had a weakness for human hair. She always took it out at the end of each night’s sparring match, just to see his reaction. She was never disappointed and was now certain that it evoked a deep growl from him each time she did it.

But on this fourth night of sparring, she was tired. She really had no concept of time while sparring with Nihlus. She knew it had been the longest she had lasted without yielding. But eventually she had to give in. He just had so much more stamina than she did. It was amazing. She wondered if it was a result of training or if all turians could go like that for hours. And then she thought of other things she wondered if turians could do for hours…

That thought distracted her and it was enough for Nihlus to get an edge. It happened so quickly. Her reaction time was slow and she failed to dodge a punch. And then he was on top of her. Just like the previous night and the night before that. She had gotten better each time, but Nihlus always won.

So just like all the previous nights, she was pinned beneath him. Each time, when they were finished and she finally yielded, he stayed there, pinning her to the mat for what seemed like an eternity – bodies pressed closely together on the mat. But that was it. He would stare into her eyes for a few minutes, their breath hot on each other’s faces, and eventually he would release her.

But not tonight. Tonight was different.

Tonight he bit her.

It was light and it didn’t hurt. But he bent down and pressed his face into her neck and nipped at her. She flinched a little in surprise and he pulled back to see her reaction.

But he didn’t have to look for long. He could see it in her eyes. She wanted him.

She’d never been with a turian before, but she’d fantasized a thousand times about her blue-eyed hero. Now she had a chance to find out what it was really like.

He bent down again and nibbled down her neck. Her arms were still pinned above her head and she felt helpless, but completely at ease. She knew he could kill her with those teeth, but he didn’t. He wasn’t exactly gentle, but he was careful. And, gods, he knew how to make her writhe.

“It seems that you have one up on me in more ways than one,” she chuckled, breathily. “You have some experience in this department as well?”

“Asari are very similar to you humans – at least in the way that your skin feels and the way you feel pleasure,” he had released her hands and was dragging his talons down her arms, down her sides, teasing her as they approached more sensitive areas. He bent down next to her ear and whispered, “I know how to please an asari. I think I can please you.”

She shivered. His hand slid down farther and pulled at her tank top. She sat up slightly and let him pull it over her head. She hadn’t worn a bra. The tank had been tight enough to hold her in. She saw how his eyes appreciated the view, her chest still heaving to catch her breath and slow drips of sweat running down her chest. She let him run his talons and hands everywhere he wanted. He kept nipping at her with those teeth and then….

They dispensed with the rest of their clothes and explored each other. Her breath hitched as he touched her. He _had_ had practice.

The whole of the experience was perhaps one of the greatest feelings she had ever had.

No human could compare to that. Ever.

They lay there panting on the mat for several minutes when it was all over.

Finally, Nihlus turned to her and said, “Never knew that Commander Shepard had a fetish for turians.” She turned and smiled at him.

“Never imagined that a turian would be so obsessed with one human that he would commandeer her ship just to take her on a secret mission.”

“Oh, this is a _special_ mission.”

“Uh-huh.” She rolled her eyes at him. He was scooting closer to her again and she couldn’t help but notice the look in his eyes.

_Again?_ , she thought. _Wow. Turian stamina._ Those bright green eyes might be her favorite now. The blue eyes of her hero were penetrating and kind, but they were just a dream. These green ones were here, real, in front of her, and wanted her.

“I think I need to show you more of this special mission…” he growled quietly as his hands began to dance over her body in a planned, rhythmic way.

She moaned slightly. “Mmm…I think you do.”

At that moment, she couldn’t care less where they were going or what this mission was. It was the best damn decision Anderson had ever made to take her to meet the turians.

>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<< 

“No, Solana, I don’t have a new girlfriend.”

“Well, you shouldn’t be alone, Garrus. I hate to see you looking so depressed. You need to get laid,” he cringed at that remark. It was a little too far for his sister to comment on his lovelife. Or lack of one. Just awkward.

“Sol, that’s just wrong. You can’t say stuff like that. I’m still the big brother. I don’t care how grown up you are.”

“Why? I’m no stranger to sex myself. We’re adults. There’s no reason we can’t talk about it. You _are_ my best friend _and_ my best brother. I can talk to you about anything. And right now I’m talking to you about how you need to get laid.”

“I don’t care how old we get, Sol. I’m not talking to you about sex. Period.”

She shrugged her shoulders and laughed at him. “All right, big brother. But know this. I’m telling Mom how mopey you are being unless you find someone to cheer you up in the next three days that I’m visiting.”

He looked at her closely then. He did feel guilty at that remark. Solana had come to visit him at the Citadel for a week and he had been rather depressing. He didn’t mean to be, but he was down. He saw her Solana so infrequently, he frowned at the idea of how selfish he had been by focusing on himself instead of enjoying the few days he had to spend with his baby sister and his best friend.

“I’m really sorry, Sol. I didn’t mean to be such a downer.”

She walked over to him and punched him lightly on the shoulder. “Stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself and don’t feel sorry for me either. I’ve had a great time even without you being very fun. Trust me. You remember Vyrik? From Menae Station? Well, let me tell you. He and I had a great time after we left the Dark Star Lounge the other night. He has a huuuuge…”

“Spirits, Sol, stop! Wow, way too much information!”

She guffawed and grabbed him by the arm. “Well, if you don’t want to hear any more of that story, let’s go find you some pretty asari to play with tonight.”

She smiled up at him with happy, laughing eyes and he couldn’t help but smile back.

“Alright. Let’s go.” He was really glad she was here. “But don’t interpret that as a yes to the asari idea.”


	6. With Renewed Determination

It wasn’t until Anderson left her alone in the med bay that she let it hit her. Commander Elizabeth Shepard didn’t cry and she didn’t plan on starting now, but today had been a rough day.

Nihlus was gone.

She had had three weeks of bliss. She had a friend again. She met someone who could handle her and keep up with her in more ways than one.

And he had lied to her. And now he was gone. _Just like Thad._

Even as she thought it, she knew she was being unfair. _No. Not like Thad._ He hadn’t exactly lied to her. He had tried to tell her before they arrived at Eden Prime.

“There’s something you need to know,” he had started as he looked down at her laying across his chest. Their nightly sparring routine was over and they were relaxing in his quarters. They had taken to removing their tie-breaker matches to his private quarters after that first night.

She hadn’t known that a turian would like cuddling, but Nihlus sure did. Oh, he was rough when he needed to be, but when it was over, he liked to hold her and stroke his talons through her hair as she relaxed next to him.

Shepard had propped up on an elbow to look into those green eyes.

“Let me guess. You’ve decided that I win the contest for best shaped waist. I always knew that. My waist is irresistible.” He chuckled at that and she nestled down into his chest to feel the subharmonics rumble through her ribcage.

“I’ll give you that one, Shepard. You do have an irresistible waist, even by turian standards. But no, I’m afraid I need to tell you something a little more serious than that.”

She had pulled herself away from his warm hide to look at him again. She was nervous. What was he going to say? _He’s done with me already. I knew this couldn’t last._

But “I’m listening” was all she had said even though her mind was racing.

“It’s about the mission,” he continued without stopping his slow, methodical strokes through her hair. “I still can’t really tell you everything that’s going on – not without approval from the Council – but I want you to know that no matter what you find out, I have truly wanted to be with you.”

He was so confusing. She had no idea what was he was saying. Of course he wanted to be with her. Why else would he have pleased her in every possible way imaginable for the last three weeks? It was a strange conversation, but she didn’t care. The nervous feeling had gone away. He wasn’t telling her that he didn’t like her anymore, that he had some red-plated turian to cheat on her with. He was just talking business.

“Nihlus, I really don’t give a damn about the mission at this moment. Can we talk about something else? Or maybe,” she had pulled herself up further and straddled him, “can we _do_ something else?” She brought her hands up inside his cowl and reached behind his head, just under his fringe. He closed his eyes and purred at her touch.

She started to cover his neck with nibbles, and he traced lines into her back with his talons. But all of a sudden, he stopped and grabbed her hands again, forcing him to look at her.

“Shepard, stop. I mean it. I want you to know that no matter what you find out about me or my purpose here on this mission, that it won’t change _this_.” He made a motion gesturing at both of them with his hand. “This truly has meant something to me. More than I ever would have guessed.”

She did look at him, slowly, carefully – studying his face. He really meant whatever it was he was insinuating. Love….too soon for love. He couldn’t mean that, but he did really care about her.

“Me too,” was all she said and returned her attentions to his fringe.

Shepard sighed as her gaze wandered the lonely med bay. She wished she had handled things differently, been a bit more patient. But patient was something she was not.

She figured out what he had meant on that final approach to Eden Prime. He had been sent there to study her. To watch her. To _evaluate_ her. She had been livid, but controlled herself until she had a minute alone with her in the cargo bay as they suited up, preparing to descend to the planet’s surface.

He found her first. He approached behind her as she went through her locker, deciding which weapons to take.

“I’m sorry, Shepard,” she heard him start to say behind her. “I tried to tell you the other night. I didn’t mean for you to find out like….”

“Shut up. You could have told me a long time ago. So you’re here to evaluate me? Am I a good pet project? Well how do I measure up, huh? Did the sex measure up to your standards too? Am I good enough in bed to sleep my way into the spectres?” Her voice rose as she spun around to face him, but she stopped. His face looked pained.

“I had no choice. I couldn’t tell you,” he said quietly, his subharmonics uncharacteristically low and sad. “I also didn’t expect to find you so….irresistible and…”

“Irresistible, huh? So that’s it. You just couldn’t help yourself. Something about male _urges_?” She flashed back to Thad’s pathetic excuse for cheating. “Typical,” she spat.

He looked a little angry at that, but calmed quickly.

“I was also going to say beautiful,” she had been staring at the wall behind him with her arms folded over her chest. She softened enough at that to look in his eyes again. Oh, she was so lost. _Weak_ , she heard her mother’s voice. _Don’t give in to that flattery_. She pushed the voice to the back of her mind.

“I meant what I said the other night, Shepard. I told you that you might find out things about my purpose for being here and it could upset you, but I wanted you to remember that the things I have felt for you are real.”

He took a tentative step toward her. When she didn’t back away, he continued and raised one hand to cup her cheek. She let him. He was so warm – always warm and comforting. She couldn’t resist. She pushed her face back into the pressure of his hand and looked up at him.

She let out a long breath and began slowly, “I know you did, Nihlus,” she unfolded her arms and reached out to hold the arm that was stroking her face. “But you really should have told me the truth anyway. It wouldn’t have compromised the mission for me to know a little more.”

“I am sorry,” his voice rumbled, just above a whisper as he pulled her to him. His strong arms surrounded her and she relented. She was still angry, but they would have time to discuss this later. He pulled back to force her to look at him. “You really are beautiful. Even as a human, by turian standards, you have certain….traits….that are very attractive to turians as well. Your hair isn’t exactly like fringe, but it is intriguing. And that waist…and those hips.” His hands had started tracing the parts of her he was describing and she pulled away gently.

“Nihlus. We’re ok. You don’t have to over-compensate for what’s happened, but we do have to talk more about this…us…when we finish this mission. I’m mad, but not so mad that we can’t work things out…later. But for now, we both need to get suited up.”

He looked sad, but nodded. When he didn’t move, she looked up at him, puzzled.

He stared at her for another minute with a look similar to the ones he had given her on the first few nights of sparring – the nights he had released her from the floor mat without going further.

If only she had had more time with him, she would have learned to look forward to that look. It was with that look that he always did something unexpected – something to surprise her.

He bent down to her face and pressed his mouth plates against her lips. When he pulled back, he looked to her for approval. She smiled crookedly at him.

“What was that?” she asked quietly, with a slightly mocking tone. She had never seen a turian blush, but if the way the color was rising up his neck and under his face plates was a sign of anything, she would call it a blush. He shuffled from one foot to the other uncomfortably.

“I uh….have been researching more human customs since…meeting you,” he scratched the back of his neck, clearly embarrassed. “I thought that was a sign of affection among humans. I just wanted you to know, in your own species’ way, that I’m not fake. I’ve meant everything I said.”

He looked miserable. She enjoyed it for a moment. There were so few times in the last three weeks that she had been able to make him uncomfortable, but not many. He usually had the upper hand. Shepard reveled in it for a minute, but she didn’t make him wait too long.

She moved closer to him and took both his taloned-hands in hers. She carefully placed each of them on her waist and looked up at his striking green eyes.

“You’re research was correct,” she smiled. “But it goes a little something like this.”

She reached up and found his favorite spot under his fringe and pulled him down to her. This time she pressed her lips against his plates and felt his warmth. It wasn’t much, and it wasn’t long and it would take practice to teach him how to do it properly, but it was sweet…and wonderful.

In that moment, she forgave him for his deception.

When she released him, she looked back up at him and giggled – a stupid, girlish giggle like she was 17 again. His face relaxed at that.

“You’re not off the hook yet, buddy, but we will talk when this is over, ok? Now go suit up or people will start to talk.” He didn’t release her quite yet, but slowly pulled her back and pressed his forehead against her own. He closed his eyes and held her there for longer than she expected, but she didn’t complain. This gesture seemed to mean something to him and she pressed her forehead back into his, enjoying his strange turian warmth.

“Shepard, I…” he opened his eyes and looked at her again. He looked tongue-tied, but then shook his head. “I’ll go get suited up and see you at the drop point.”

He had let her go, reluctantly, and turned away from her.

And that was it.

Some ill twist of fate had let him die on that stupid planet and left her alive. It wasn’t love, but it was something. And now it was gone. She was alone again.

Anyone observing the med bay would have thought she just looked tired, with the way she leaned against the bed and sighed over and over. But it was so much more than that. And she had no one to talk to about it.

_That bastard Saren will pay._

That thought roused her from her reverie.

_“I move faster on my own,”_ he had said before she had her last look at him alive. Well, she could move fast on her own too. She would take down the evil that had ripped her new hope from her far too soon.

With renewed determination, she strode out of the med bay to find Joker.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Garrus was not in the least surprised that Saren had gone rogue. Pallin handed him the report from the Alliance. He knew that in a way Pallin was giving him what he wanted. Garrus always was a sucker for a lost cause.

Saren had always rubbed him wrong. He had suspected Saren was not really who he appeared to be from the first time Garrus had seen him on the Citadel.

He paused for a moment at that thought. That felt like a lifetime ago – when he was still up for spectre training and hoping to leave C-Sec and rules behind him. Saren had taken an interest in him, but laughed at him when Garrus’s father stepped in to block that opportunity.

“Well, Vakarian,” Saren had said to him as he sat behind his desk at C-Sec headquarters. “Run back to daddy and enjoy your life answering to more important people.”

_Bastard_. Garrus found himself gripping the data pad almost hard enough to break it. He relaxed a little and kept reading.

Nihlus Kryik? Nihlus had been killed? Garrus’ mandibles tightened against his face at that. He had known Nihlus as well and found him to be an honorable sort of turian. The type of turian he was proud to identify with. Nihlus had also taken an interest in Garrus when his name was put forward for spectre training, but had lost contact when Garrus’ father stepped in.

Garrus sighed and went back to the report. All of this over a Prothean beacon? He understood the importance of a Prothean beacon, but Saren must really have gone off the deep end to kill one of his own kind over an ancient artifact. Turians killing turians.

_What is really going on here?_

And now the humans were involved – more specifically, a human named Commander Elizabeth Shepard. A female. Somehow a female human had withstood the data overload from the Prothean beacon.

Garrus’ thoughts drifted off again, remembering briefly another human female who had been much stronger than she looked. He smiled briefly at the memory of a time he had helped someone.

_Maybe I can help again_ , he thought, with renewed determination. _I will find you, Saren_. _And when I do, you will pay for the mark you have made on our race._


	7. What It Feels Like Beneath

_Breathe_ … _Breathe…Breathe…_

Shepard repeated the word over and over to herself as she lay unable to move on her bunk. This day had been a whirlwind and she hadn’t had time to decompress or figure out what was going on.

It was only a few days ago she lost her red turian. And now her blue-eyed turian hero in his shining blue armor had asked to join her team. _Her_ team.

He was here. On this ship. She’d learned from Joker that Garrus Vakarian was set up in the cargo bay, putting away belongings and preparing for whatever lay ahead.

 _How is this possible?_ Her hands ran through her hair and she stared wide-eyed at the ceiling in the dark.

After Udina and Anderson had taken the new information on Saren to the Council, the Council had done what it does best – stalled. Even though there was a rogue Spectre and possibly some unknown enemy called Reapers out there plotting against the galaxy, the Council wanted to review the evidence and would see Shepard and her crew tomorrow.

So for now, she lay awake on her bunk, replaying the day’s events.

She almost tripped up the steps when she saw him. The events of the past week – the geth attack, the beacon, Nihlus’ death – had been a lot to deal with. While she usually kept an eye out for her hero on the Citadel, today was first time she didn’t, and she almost fell right into him, literally.

She couldn’t believe it. After all these years, there he was, standing in front of her and fighting for the same cause she was – to take down Saren. Albeit they were fighting for different reasons at the moment, but he was still on _her_ team.

Somehow she felt guilty. Here it was only a few days really since Nihlus had died and she was already moving on in her head. Images of the blue-eyed turian holding her in his arms as Nihlus had, stroking her hair as she leaned into him after a night of bliss, learning to kiss the human way…

 _This is wrong_ , she thought. _So wrong. I miss Nihlus. I do, but I didn’t love him. How could I? I only knew him for a few weeks. But Garrus…I’ve “known” him for 10 years. So maybe it’s not so wrong after all…_

Her thoughts jumbled and she growled quietly at herself. Hearing her bunkmate stir above her made her decide to leave the crew quarters and grab a midnight snack. Maybe that would help her sleep.

 _Garrus Vakarian_.

That was his name. Almost a decade and she finally knew his name. She smiled as the elevator doors released her into the mess, but stopped dead in her tracks as she rounded the corner.

Garrus Vakarian was in front of her, sitting at a table by himself and reading a datapad with a cup of something in front of him.

She froze. So many times in her dreams she had imagined what it would be like to meet him. Talk to him. Have a few minutes alone with him.

Did he recognize her from so many years ago? She had not had a moment alone with Garrus Vakarian since finding him only a few hours before, and he was clearly too professional to be that casual with her while on duty.

She doubted he would recognize her, but she was still terrified. It didn’t help that he had finally noticed her standing there by the entryway to the mess. Those piercing blue eyes met hers. He put the datapad down and seemed to be studying her for a moment.

Finally, his mandibles spread into a facial expression that Shepard knew all too well from Nihlus.

A turian smile.

“Commander Shepard?” he said. “I promise I don’t bite my commanding officers. You’re welcome to join me.”

She couldn’t move her feet or her tongue to reply. _What is wrong with you?_ she chided herself. _Go to him. How many years have you waited for this moment? GOOOO!!!_

But she still didn’t move.

Garrus Vakarian started to look uncomfortable.

“I apologize if I offended you, Commander. I can leave the mess to you, if you’d like. I simply don’t need as much sleep as humans and decided to grab a snack and do some reading up on Saren,” he started to gather his things when she remained frozen in place. “I don’t know the protocol on a human ship so well. I am sorry if I have done something wrong. Please excuse----“

“It’s fine!” she finally blurted, almost shouting. It had taken all her effort to manage to get out those two words. “Really, it’s fine. Please stay. I was just….I should apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s just been a long day.” She was rambling now. _Shit, shut up, stupid,_ she winced inwardly at her horrible excuse for bad manners. _Be cool. Breathe….breathe…breathe…_

Garrus Vakarian’s face seemed to relax and he settled back into his seat. She walked to the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee. _Breathe…breathe…breathe…_

She half expected to turn around and find him gone – like he was a mirage – but he was still there, reading his datapad and sipping on whatever he was drinking.

She assumed the seat opposite him, nervously. He looked up at her as she sat. He still seemed to be studying her. _Shit, he knows it’s me. He knows that I’m the girl from all those years ago and that he saved me while I was shit-faced and---_

“I’m glad that I have this chance to talk to you, Commander.” Oh gods, his subharmonics did things to her stomach. “I get so tired of C-Sec and rules. I’m grateful for the chance to get back out in the world and do some good again.” He looked so intently at her for a few seconds after that, she thought his eyes might burn into the back of her skull and see all the dirty thoughts she had accumulated about him there over the last decade.

But finally he shook his head and looked down. “It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I’ve helped anyone. I’m grateful for the opportunity to join your crew.”

She gripped her coffee mug more tightly to control the shaking of her hands.

“The pleasure’s all mine, Garrus Vakarian. Glad to have you aboard – really. You seem pretty handy with a gun.” She half-smiled at him over her mug and to her delight, he chuckled.

“Oh, I’m more than handy. I’m one of the best damn snipers you’ll find in the galaxy, Shepard. You’re lucky to have me.”

 _Cocky bastard_ , she smiled. _But he’s right. And hopefully he has no idea how right I know he is._ Her mind drifted back to the feeling of Josiah’s blood trickling down her back and three clean headshots to his lackeys as they tried to run away.

“By the way, Commander, you don’t have to use my full name to address me. I don’t know how many turians you have worked with or what they told you, but I’m really more comfortable with ‘Officer Vakarian’ or just ‘Vakarian’ while I’m on duty.”

“Well, _Officer Vakarian_ , you’re off duty right now,” she smirked. “What should I call you until the sun comes up?” _Dammit_ , she yelled in her head. _You can’t come on to the turian now. Play it off…don’t say any more stupid things, idiot._

She was afraid to meet his eyes, but she did nonetheless, and tried to act nonchalant about her last statement. But he didn’t look upset. She was still no expert on turian expressions, but with her limited knowledge, it looked like he was smirking back at her.

“Garrus will be fine.”

“All right. I can manage that, Garrus. And while we’re off duty, just call me Shepard. This whole Commander business gets annoying sometimes. Besides, there are tons of Commanders, but only one me.”

 _Wow_ , she winced. _I just can’t keep help myself from looking like a moron tonight can I? That was perhaps one of the lamest things I’ve ever said._

But all that hero-Garrus said was, “Very true, Comman---I mean, Shepard. Very true.”

They both took another sip of their drinks.

After a few minutes, she braved the conversation again. “So, you probably have more experience with Citadel politics than I do. What do you think they will say tomorrow? Think they’ll help us?”

Garrus seemed to think about that for a minute and finally nodded his head.

“I think the Council will be unable to ignore this threat. They will do something, but whatever that is, I’m not sure. I can tell you one thing, though. As long as you are tracking down Saren, I’ll be right behind you.”

She couldn’t control her expression at that. She flashed the cheesiest smile her face could muster. This was better than a dream. The turian she had hunted for since she was 19, sitting in the mess in the middle of the night with her, and promising to stay with her.

No way she was doing anything but hunt Saren now. She would do whatever it took to convince Anderson and the Alliance that this was priority number one, even if the Council refused to help them. Anything to keep Garrus with her…

 _You sound pathetic_ , her mother’s voice said in her ear. _All of this for one turian? He’s not even HUMAN, Elizabeth. Not worth making a bad name for yourself with Anderson and the Alliance if tomorrow goes badly with the Council. Stay on task, soldier…._

But Elizabeth Shepard didn’t want to think about her mother’s disapproval tonight. She just wanted to enjoy this time with her turian. Garrus Vakarian. Knight in blue shining armor. Here in the mess at midnight.

They talked for well over an hour. She lost all inhibitions about Garrus remembering her. She knew it would be almost impossible with her reconstructed nose and the scar. She quit being so nervous and talked with Garrus like she used to with Nihlus in the beginning. Calm, comfortable, and relaxing. And Garrus seemed to be enjoying her company as well, she thought, because he didn’t show any signs of wanting to get up.

But eventually the fun did have to end. She heard the elevator door slide open and turned to see Kaidan coming around the corner.

 _Dammit_ , she said. _This guy has been annoying all day. He has to ruin this too?_

Kaidan Alenko had done nothing but follow her around like a lost puppy all day on the Citadel. He had even made strangely flirtatious comments to her as they overlooked the Citadel in the Wards. _So weird_. It was obvious he had a crush on his Commander and she was flattered, but not interested. How could she be when her blue-eyed wonder was with her?

She’d dumped Kaidan back on the ship as soon as she had new squad members to drag along with her. She made the excuse that she wanted to see how her new team members measured up. He even got clingy and weird after visiting with the Consort. There was no need for him to be like that. She hadn’t enjoyed the visit with the Consort either…damn asari always hitting on her.

But here he was. Messing up her perfect evening with Garrus. The turian didn’t seem to care and offered him a seat next to his own. Kaidan took it and looked back and forth between Shepard and Garrus before speaking.

“You two couldn’t sleep either?” he asked.

“’Fraid not,” Shepard replied. “It was a long and crazy day. Hadn’t had a chance to really figure it all out in my head yet.”

“Yeah, I hope the Council will throw us a bone tomorrow. They have to understand the threat that Saren poses to the galaxy after they hear the evidence from Tali….and you.” Kaidan’s voice was eager. She knew he was just trying to be supportive, but right now, all she wanted was time alone with Garrus and Kaidan was in the way.

“It’s nice to have such a supportive team, Shepard. It says a lot of the person who leads them that they are so willing to believe in you and follow you, even into a dangerous unknown.” Garrus looked at her over his cup again and she smiled.

The three continued a friendly conversation about everything from the Council to Saren to the geth to Joker’s ability to piss of Anderson, but finally Shepard yawned.

“Well, team,” she said, her eyes suddenly feeling very tired. “This Commander needs to get some shut-eye. You should all try to as well. Except for you, Vakarian. You do whatever you need to I guess.”

“Oh, I think I’m about ready to get some ‘shut-eye,’ so you say. It’s been a very pleasant evening with both of you.” _Too damned polite_ , she thought. _He really_ is _perfect_.

“Yeah, I’m glad I caught you two. Thought I’d be the only one awake, so it was nice to have some company. Can I escort you back to your quarters, Commander?” Shepard winced as he said it. The poor kid. She was going to have to let him down sometime.

“Well, we’re headed the same direction, Alenko. You’re at least welcome to walk with me. Not sure I need an escort though.” She saw Garrus grin slightly at that. She wasn’t sure what that meant, but hoped it was good. “Good night, Garrus.”

“Shepard,” he replied with a slight nod of his head.

Alenko didn’t shut up until she got to her door. He was handsome and nice enough, but she was going to have to do something about this.

As she drifted off to sleep, she forgot all about the annoying little Lieutenant and thought only of Garrus Vakarian. Blue-eyed hero in shining blue armor.

In her cargo bay.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

He could imagine that it was her.

The small, blonde, frail-looking human from all those years ago. They had certain similarities. They were about the same height, same color hair, same color eyes.

He had studied her carefully in the mess. Garrus was sure that Shepard even caught him studying her, but he didn’t care. He wanted to find that little, blonde Alliance soldier. He wanted to know she was alright and that she had become better and stronger.

But Shepard wasn’t her. The nose was obviously not hers and the way Shepard carried herself was not the same as the depressed, lonely little soldier in her black lacy undergarments standing next to her ship in the middle of the night.

He had helped the little, blonde human so long ago and that feeling had stuck with him for ten years. He could help this little, blonde human too. The thought of helping again made his heart leap a little. His father’s opinion be damned. He was going to track down Saren and bring him to justice.

Shepard was intriguing though, he would admit. Garrus wasn’t into humans, at least not in that way, but he didn’t have anything against them. In fact, he quite admired them for their bravery and the way they got things done. They didn’t wait for permission. The human race charged ahead and took what they could along the way. It wasn’t the perfect way to get things done, but he liked it.

And Shepard was the epitome of getting things done. He had seen the vids after she received her medal for her actions during the Blitz. Everyone knew her, even turians. It would be very interesting to work with her.

Garrus flipped over in his bunk and chuckled to himself lightly. _It will also be interesting to watch the drama with this Lieutenant Alenko. He seems to think I’m a threat to him somehow_. _How amusing that the human man would find the turian C-Sec officer a threat to his romantic advances on the Commander._

 _You have nothing to worry about, Alenko_ , Garrus thought as the dream world overtook him. _Nothing at all._

Sleep slowly began to envelop Garrus’ mind, but not before one final image passed through his consciousness.

_Except I knew a human once who looked somehow frail and beautiful in her black lacy undergarments…I wonder what it feels like beneath…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fixed a typo.


	8. To Confess His Love

“Enter.”

The door to her quarters slid open. Shepard looked up from the report she was writing to see Kaidan walk through the entryway.

“I’m sorry, Commander. Is this a bad time?” he asked. She smiled at him and turned her chair to face the door.

“Of course not, Kaidan. What can I do for you?” The Lieutenant took a few more tentative steps into the room. His light brown eyes flashed into a smile, but then flickered away, down, left, right – anywhere to avoid her gaze.

 _Oh great. He’s going to say something awkward and embarrassing. Please don’t confess your undying love to me this early in the game, Alenko…_.But Commander Shepard would not let her face betray her internal dialogue. She simply waved him over with a quick gesture of her hand and pulled out another chair in front of her.

“Have a seat,” she said. “Clearly something is bothering you. I always have time for my crew. Tell me what’s going on.”

A half-smile crossed his face that time and he gratefully took the seat, but he still didn’t say anything. He just sat there looking at her for a few more uncomfortable moments. Shepard started to feel ill at ease herself and tried one more time to get him to talk to her.

“You know, Lieutenant,” she began, tentatively. “I’m good at a lot of things. I’m a strong biotic, I’m amazing with a pistol, and I’m actually a decent singer.” Kaidan’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at the last one. _Why the hell did I mention that well-kept secret?_ _Well, cat’s out of the bag now, I guess._ “Yeah, yeah, you can laugh if you like, but some of that old earth jazz really helped me through some tough times as a lonely spacer kid.” Well, wasn’t she just baring her soul tonight. And to Kaidan Alenko, of all people. The one person on the ship who was in puppy love with her, and for some reason, she had just told him more about herself than she had told anyone.

A sigh escaped her lips. That talent for not keeping her mouth shut was apparently one she would always be blessed with. _Oh well, the point of this conversation was to get this kid to tell me what the hell is bothering him. Can’t stop now._

“But there’s one thing I can’t do, and that’s read minds, Kaidan. So if you need to tell me something, you’re going to have to say it.”

He finally opened his mouth at that. “It’s just an uncomfortable thing to say, Commander.”

“We’re off-duty at the moment, Kaidan. It’s just Shepard.” Maybe that would help him feel more comfortable, but she found that she was nervous about whatever he was going to say as well. “So relax, and tell me what’s on your mind.”

He looked away from her and stared at some indistinct point in the floor again, but he spoke. “It’s just that… well… Comman – Shepard. Have I upset you somehow?” He looked at her with one raised eyebrow and his expression was so pained that her face naturally softened to reflect his concern.

“Of course not, Kaidan. Why would you think that?” Had she been that transparent? Were her fears that he was falling in love with her manifested in her treatment of him? She didn’t think they had. She thought she treated him the same as everyone else, but maybe she hadn’t done a very good job –

“It’s just that….well….you’ve grounded me since the Citadel, Shepard. And I thought maybe I had done something wrong.”

So that was it. All he was worried about was that she wasn’t taking him on missions. She almost laughed out loud. He wasn’t here to confess his love. He just wanted a turn on the ground team.

And he was right. She hadn’t been taking him on missions, mostly because she had been uncomfortable around him. He had been making his feelings towards her fairly clear from the start. She thought rules against fraternization were stupid, but she didn’t appreciate him falling all over her, especially not in front of other crewmembers.

But it was important to build a team and she hadn’t been doing a good job of that. She had taken Garrus and Tali on almost every mission they had completed so far, which granted, wasn’t many yet. But still, she had taken them almost exclusively on all of their assignments. Wrex had proven his worth on one of the planet drops they had made. However, that was the only time she had taken someone other than her two favorites.

Tali was fun to be around. It was nice to have a girl she could talk to about guns and tech and attack strategies, but she could also talk to her about family and life and girl stuff without it being awkward. Ashley was ok, but her lack of respect for aliens annoyed Shepard and kept her at a distance. And Liara…well….Liara seemed to have a bit of a crush on her like Kaidan. At least Liara was polite about it and kept it mainly to herself, but Shepard couldn’t help but notice the way Liara looked at her when she thought Shepard wasn’t looking.

And then there was Garrus. She loved being around him, hearing his voice, trading off banter, competing for kills. It had been like heaven. Ten years she had looked for him and now she took him with her everywhere she went. Who know trouncing around the galaxy after a rogue Spectre with her turian crush could be so fun?

However, Kaidan had made his point. Her crew deserved to do more than just sit in the ship and wait for her to come back from missions. The task of tracking Saren was just beginning and she shouldn’t waste anymore time when she should be building a team.

“You know, Kaidan. You’re right. Team-building is really important, but I haven’t been doing a good job of rotating everyone on assignments. How about you come with us on the next mission? We’re headed to Noveria. I’ll send the report to your station.” She turned back to her desk briefly. When she looked back at Kaidan, he was beaming at her. Her heart fluttered a little. _His eyes are so intense_. _If he weren’t quite so weak in the emotional department_ ….

He interrupted her thoughts. “Thank you, Shepard. I really look forward to being on the ground with you.” She had to smile at that. His neck flushed darkly. “What I mean is…”

She came to his rescue with a grin. “I know what you meant, Lieutenant. And I apologize for not doing a better job of rotating team members. I’m pretty new to this position and I appreciate you having the courage to come talk to me about it.” He might be glowing. _Shit_ , she chided herself silently. _Stop leading him on_. ”You and Wrex will join me. You can talk to him about the mission. We’ll arrive in a few hours.”

But somehow, during this conversation, something had changed. She wasn’t quite sure what it was yet, but it was something. _Maybe he’s not as weak as I thought._ They both rose as Kaidan moved to leave. _Maybe I underestimated him._ She couldn’t help but admire the well-formed body of her Lieutenant as he walked toward the door. _Whoa, Shepard. Maybe you didn’t notice the pretty face or nice bod so much before, but not much else has changed._

But maybe things were changing. He had come to her on a serious matter. He hadn’t come to express his feelings to her or put her in a situation where she would have to break him. He had simply come with a concern about his place on the team. That was a valid concern and she needed the wake-up call. _Time to stop making moon-eyes over someone who doesn’t even look at me that way_.

She sighed.

“Kaidan.” He turned quickly in the doorway and met her eyes. _Oh, they_ are _pretty eyes. I have such a weakness for pretty eyes_. Briefly she remembered Thad and then Nihlus and Garrus…

“I really do appreciate you coming to talk to me. I hope you always feel comfortable enough on this crew to tell me when something is bothering you.”

Of course his face lit up at that. She would have expected no less, but she actually enjoyed it this time. _Maybe it’s not so bad to have an admirer_ , she thought.

“Thanks for listening, Shepard.” He turned, but before the door shut behind him, he smiled at her and said, “And sometime, if we get some shore leave, I think you should take the crew out to hear you sing. Call it a….team-building exercise.” And with that, he was gone.

The whole encounter had left her feeling so strange. She wasn’t sure what to make of it. _The best way to forget about confusing feelings is to do some work_ , her mother’s voice broke into her daydreams. _Get to work, Elizabeth. There’s too much to do to waste your time thinking about fraternization with the weak Lieutenant_.

She sighed and reached for the report she was working on, but tossed it back on the desk in frustration. She got up from her chair and flopped over on her bed. She felt very lonely. Somehow Kaidan’s leaving made her quarters feel emptier than they were before. She had been doing a poor job of leading since she received command of the ship. Favoritism, daydreaming, neglect of her crew. The doubt she felt crept into her heart and made her chest tighten.

 _Nihlus wouldn’t have neglected the crew. He’s the one who should be here leading, not me._ Her heart ached at the thought. She hadn’t had much time to reflect on any of that pain since becoming a Spectre. But the pain was still real, and for some reason, Kaidan’s comments brought it all to the surface. She felt tears stinging her eyes.

Then she remembered. She flicked on her omni-tool and programmed in the date of the drop on Eden Prime. Scrolling through the entries, she found the one she was looking for.

“Playback,” she whispered.

And there was his face. Smiling, in that way that he did, those bright green eyes looking at her from the hologram floating in front of her. He bent down and kissed her, or the hologram bent down and kissed the air in front of her. She breathed out slowly, remembering how it had felt.

She heard her voice mocking him slightly and he had that miserable, embarrassed look on his face.

_“…I just wanted you to know, in your own species’ way, that I’m not fake. I’ve meant everything I said…”_

She watched and relived each of their last moments together.

“ _Now go suit up,”_ she heard her own voice say, “ _or people will start to talk._ ” And then her red turian pulled her close to him, touching foreheads, in that gesture she didn’t understand but that somehow seemed special.

“ _Shepard, I…”_

She turned it off. Her heart was pounding so hard, it felt like it would leap from her chest. She wanted to sob, but Elizabeth Shepard did not cry.

But she could remember. And she remembered someone who had believed in her. Someone who had helped set this mission in motion. Nihlus thought she could handle the responsibility. She wouldn’t let him down.

She jumped when she heard her door ping again. Puzzled, she said, “Enter.”

Coincidence, fate, or something else, she wasn’t sure, but Garrus was the last person she expected to see darken her doorway in that moment.

She jerked up quickly.

“Garrus,” she startled. “Is everything ok?” He turned his head to the side with a slightly amused look on his face. _I must look rather strange. Here I am, commanding officer of the ship, and to him I just look like I’m daydreaming on my bed only a few hours before an important mission…_

“I could ask you that, Shepard.” She tried to regain her composure by standing up.

“Sorry, Garrus. I was just a little distracted.” She resumed the chair that had held her while Kaidan was visiting. “Have a seat. What’s on your mind?”

In a few long strides, Garrus had assumed Kaidan’s seat.

“I’m sorry to trouble you, Shepard. I just wanted to make sure that I am doing all I should be doing for our team.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I just received the updated report and noticed you changed my assignment.”

Oh this was rich. Garrus was worried that he wasn’t on the ground team with her not even an hour after he had been removed to put Kaidan on the ground team. _I could get used to two men fighting over being on my ground team_ , but tossed that thought out as quickly as it appeared.

“It’s nothing to do with your performance, Garrus.” Oh the places her mind went with that comment. _Stop getting distracted_ , her mother said. “I simply realized that I haven’t been fair to some of the other members of the crew. They deserve a chance to be a part of this mission as well.”

“Ah, I see.” He nodded. “I’m glad that’s all it is.”

“Yes, that’s all. I need to do a better job of building this team. We all need to learn to work together and I need to learn everyone’s strengths and weaknesses. I can’t learn them if I always have the best sniper in the galaxy at my six.” He beamed at that and she encouraged him with a smile. “Gotta give someone else a turn, Garrus.”

“Oh, you’re right of course. But I’m glad that you recognize who the best truly is,” he stood up and she mirrored his movement. But he paused before turning for the door. “Although, I would feel more comfortable watching your back. Then I would know it’s done right.”

Kaidan might have made her heart flutter, but Garrus made her heart – no, her whole body – melt into the floor. He was worried about keeping her safe. For a second, she felt like she was standing in the docking bay in her underwear with him telling her not to drink alone. She shuddered slightly at the memory.

“I appreciate that, Garrus. And I promise that I won’t keep you grounded often. I just need to rotate a few new players in for a while.” He nodded in agreement and turned for the door.

She stopped him just before it slid open. “Garrus, can I ask you a question?”

He spun around to look at her. “Of course, Shepard.”

She felt entirely awkward. She didn’t know how to ask this question, but watching the vid of Nihlus had reminded her of something, and she wanted to know what it meant.

“So, I….” she looked down at her hands, suddenly nervous. “I don’t have a ton of experience with turians. I mean, our species don’t tend to get along very well, in general.” _Oh gods, now I’m rambling_. “But I…I saw a turian gesture in a vid once and I didn’t know what it meant. I was hoping you could explain it to me.”

It wasn’t a lie. She had seen a turian gesture in a vid. She had just watched the replay of Nihlus touching his forehead to hers and she never found out what it meant. But the renewed confidence she had found just by looking at Nihlus’ face again made her want to understand what he had tried to tell her before they had said goodbye.

Garrus’ expression hadn’t changed. He was waiting for her to explain, but she wasn’t speaking.

He saved her from her embarrassment. “What vid? Can you show it to me? We have many gestures, so I would probably have to see it to know what you mean.”

She felt the color rise from her chest to her neck and finally to her cheeks.

“No, I…” she twisted her hands now. “I don’t remember what the vid was, but I think I could describe the gesture.” He was still looking at her carefully.

 _Just spit it out!_   She screamed at herself.

“I saw – I saw a turian touch foreheads with someone and hold it for just a few seconds. It seemed to mean something, but I wasn’t sure what.”

His mandibles shifted in a way she hadn’t seen before. Had she said something wrong? _Dammit, I will never learn to keep my mouth shut._

But finally he spoke. “It’s a sign of deep respect and admiration,” he said slowly, in a low voice. “To some turians, it could even be a gesture of affection – maybe even as deep as love.”

Those piercing blue eyes had not let hers go since she had described the gesture. She squirmed under his gaze. _Oh why can’t I read his face?!?_

“Oh.” She finally said.

Garrus continued to look at her closely while he said, “You sure you can’t remember where you saw the vid? It’s not a gesture that we perform in front of others very often, so I’m surprised you’ve seen it anywhere. The turian species is not as big on public displays of affection as some other species.”

“I’m afraid not. But thanks for explaining it to me. I hope I didn’t offend you by asking.” With that, Garrus’ usual, friendly demeanor came back.

“Of course not, Shepard. I’m happy to explain. Let me know if you need anything else. Otherwise, I’ll head back to work on the Mako.”

“Yes, thank you, Garrus.” He flashed a smile at her before the door slid shut behind him.

She locked the door this time and flopped back on her bed.

 _Love_. _He had said love._ How was that possible? She had only known Nihlus for a few weeks. _Maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe it was just deep respect and admiration._ But she knew that wasn’t it.

Nihlus had believed in her. Nihlus had trusted her.

Nihlus had loved her.

She didn’t know if she had loved him. But what she did know was that she would do a better job of leading her team and she would avenge his death.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The meeting definitely had not gone as he had expected. He would never have anticipated having a conversation with his human commanding officer about turian displays of affection. But he had quickly learned that Commander Shepard was not all she appeared to be. She was full of secrets and surprises.

He had been trying to come up with an excuse to speak to her for a few hours, but he had been unsuccessful. The past few night cycles, he had dreamed repeatedly of the little human with the yellow hair. Over and over again he replayed the events of that night, in his sleep and his waking hours. But he was beginning to confuse the image from so long ago with his newfound admiration for the Commander.

He was slightly disturbed that his thoughts focused on her so much, even when she wasn’t around. It wasn’t exactly the type of focus he had devoted to Trynix or any other turian he was romantically involved with. _How could I be romantically interested in a human?_ , he thought.

But it was something different. Something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. So he decided to talk to her. He figured that was the best way to figure out why he found himself thinking of her so much. But he couldn’t come up with a reason to interrupt whatever she was doing in her quarters.

So he had sat in the mess, waiting for her to come out and see him there. He pretended to be reading and sipping something from his cup. He knew that if she saw him, she would stop and chat with him and he relished the thought. He felt rather foolish, but he didn’t care. Somehow he had to get her off his mind.

But she hadn’t come out all day. He knew she was preparing for the mission to Noveria and perhaps she was avoiding a few of the crewmates – particularly the new asari they had just picked up. Dr. T’Soni also seemed to have a crush on the Commander like Kaidan did. Regardless, Shepard still hadn’t been seen outside of her cabin since retreating into it last night.

For some reason, the sight of Kaidan being admitted into her cabin had made him uneasy. He refused to admit that his feelings for his commander were more than friendship, but he felt a pang of something in his chest when the doors closed behind the Lieutenant. And they didn’t open for what felt like forever.

Eventually they did open and out strode the Lieutenant with a huge grin on his face.

_“And sometime, if we get some shore leave, I think you should take the crew out to hear you sing. Call it a….team-building exercise.”_

Garrus wasn’t surprised to hear that the Commander had another hidden talent. His thoughts of Shepard singing were interrupted by a ping on his omni-tool. The mission had changed.

And he was grounded.

His heart fell. What had he done? Had he made a mistake? He didn’t know human rules or procedures very well, but Shepard seemed to approve of him. She took him everywhere.

At least now he had his excuse to talk to her.

He got up from his seat and walked towards her door. He paused for just a moment outside the cold metal. He heard voices. He cocked his head to the side in confusion. Kaidan had just left….who else could be in there with her?

He listened more carefully, straining his hearing to catch the sounds from behind the door. _Subharmonics?_ He thought. _There’s a turian in there with her?_

He shook his head. _Impossible. I’m the only turian on this ship._

Finally he requested admittance. When the doors slid open, the sight was not what he had expected. Shepard was reclining on her bed, staring into space with what he thought was sadness in her eyes.

She looked so startled that he almost laughed at her. Her awkward movements as she tried to regain her composure were somehow….endearing.

And her responses to his question made perfect sense. In fact, he agreed with her. She _should_ be rotating the team. She _should_ learn all the strengths and weaknesses of each member of her crew. He was only sad that it meant he would not be able to keep her safe.

_Vakarian, it’s not her. She’s not the frail human from the Citadel. Look at her! She’s strong and capable. You don’t need to protect her all the time._

But he still felt the need to keep watch over this yellow-haired human, just like the other.

_No, not like the other. Shepard is stronger. Better._

And then she had asked him about turian gestures of love. Where in the galaxy had that come from? And where had she learned it?

Then he remembered the voices he had heard before entering the room. A turian’s voice. A turian’s gesture of affection.

She had lied to him. She knew exactly what vid it was. Why wouldn’t she tell him? It couldn’t be that embarrassing, whatever it was that she had watched. He knew it couldn’t be Fornax. Turians would never use that gesture while performing on camera for some lewd display.

This gesture was strictly for those held in highest respect and esteem. Not the stuff of porn.

And she had looked so sad. He had not seen her look that sad in his entire time on her crew.

He was perplexed. The pieces didn’t fit. His normally cheerful and energetic Commander looking mournful. Asking about foreign signs of affection.

_And on top of all of that, she sings._

Well, she was his commanding officer. She was entitled to her secrets. But he was a former C-Sec Officer and the son of Tavius Vakarian. He was good at investigating.

He retreated to the cargo bay with more to think about than improvements for the Mako.


	9. Somewhere over the Rainbow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Garrus and Shepard independently come to the same conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my mind, with a voice like Shepard's, it would be impossible that she doesn't sing.
> 
> Music inspiration is here: http://youtu.be/EDWSV477piw

“I’ve never seen your planet before, Shepard. It’s beautiful.”

Shepard strapped her pistol in place and took a moment to appreciate the view. She and Garrus and Tali had just finished clearing out the Alliance training grounds on Luna and Shepard had to agree with Tali. Earth was beautiful. Growing up in space, Shepard had actually spent more time at the Citadel on leave than she had on her home planet, so she appreciated the image almost as much as if she were seeing it for the first time. Even with all the planets she had seen throughout the galaxy, Earth was still her favorite. The swirling clouds over the expanse of the planet’s surface combined with the bright blue of the ocean made for a breathtaking view from the surface of the moon.

“Yeah. It really is,” was all she said. She felt Garrus quietly move up next to her.

“I don’t think I would be a very good turian if I said that Earth’s beauty rivals that of Palaven,” he said quietly. Shepard turned to look up at him. She couldn’t see his face through his helmet, but he tilted his head to look back at her. “But I guess I’ve never been a very good turian.”

She threw her head back and laughed. “No, Garrus, I guess you’re not. But you also might be blind to ignore this view.” Shepard turned back to enjoy the moment. She had done a much better job of rotating her team members, but whenever she could get away with it, she still took her two best friends with her on ground missions. She couldn’t think of many places she would rather be than on the moon’s surface, overlooking her home planet with Garrus and Tali right next to her.

The mood became somber a few moments later as Tali continued in her earlier vein.

“It must feel wonderful to have such a beautiful world to come home to.”

Shepard could hear the pain in Tali’s voice and her chest ached for her friend. But Tali was right. It did feel wonderful to know that no matter where she went, Earth was still here and was hers. She did have a home other than her quarters aboard the _Normandy_. In fact, some of her best memories were from her visits to Earth when her father was still alive.

 

_“Have I ever let you down, Lizzie Baby?” They only had a few days of shore leave and mommy and daddy had promised to take her to Earth._

_“No, Daddy! But I don’t like surprises!” She looked up into his big green eyes. She looked just like him – the same bright eyes, the same strong chin, the same wavy, blonde, hair. She was proud to be his Lizzie Baby._

_“Go tell your mommy we’re ready and that she already looks beautiful. All the make up in all the world won’t change that.” She scampered off to find her mother._

_They took a taxi through the city until they came to a small, gray-brick building downtown. All the other buildings were shiny and metal and new. This one looked old and worn out and small._

_“Daddy, this place doesn’t look very nice.” Daddy laughed at her._

_“That’s because it’s old, Baby Girl. It’s not like the other buildings because it’s very, very old, but that’s one of the reasons your mommy and I like it.” Daddy reached around the back of the seat and squeezed his wife’s shoulder, giving her a smile. Mommy smiled back at him over Lizzie’s head and Lizzie sat contentedly between the two people she loved the most._

_“What’s the other reason?” Lizzie asked as her daddy reached into his wallet to pay the taxi driver._

_“Hmmm?”_

_“You said that was only one of the reasons you like it. What’s the other reason?” Daddy smiled at her and said, “Because this place is the reason your mommy loves me.”_

_Mommy laughed and Lizzie looked at her questioningly._

_“Oh, Adam, you know that’s not the only reason.” Daddy slipped his arm around mommy’s waist as she got out of the car._

_“No, but it’s one of the best reasons.” He was looking at mommy in a way that made Mommy’s face turn red. Lizzie’s tummy rumbled. She was_ hungry _._

_“Come ooonnnn!!!!” she cried as she grabbed daddy’s hand and dragged him towards the door._

_The restaurant looked normal to her. It looked like any other place they’d gone for dinner on the Citadel or other planets. The food was yummy and her tummy didn’t rumble anymore, but she wanted to know why this place made Mommy love Daddy. There was a musician on the stage making music come out of a big, black box with white buttons. That was the only thing she hadn’t seen before. She liked the music though. It sounded like the music her daddy played for her when she had trouble sleeping._

_“Daddy, what is that thing?” she finally asked through a mouthful of spaghetti._

_“What thing?” he looked at her, amused._

_“You know. That black box on the stage. The thing the music is coming from.”_

_“Oh that,” Daddy and Mommy shared a smile again. “It’s called a piano and that is the reason your mommy loves this place, and me.” Lizzie didn’t understand and she gave her daddy a confused look._

_“What do you think, Hannah? Think I can still pull it off?” Daddy winked at Mommy._

_Mommy just laughed. “I think you should try. It’s been a while since I’ve had such a treat. Might have to reward you for it later.” Mommy gave Daddy a look Lizzie didn’t understand, but Daddy got out of his seat pretty quickly at the encouragement._

_“Well, that settles it.”_

_Daddy walked up to the stage and said something to the man at the piano. Lizzie watched as the stranger finished the music he was playing and moved away from the stage. She stared in awe as her Daddy sat down at the piano just like the man had been sitting. He pulled the microphone to his mouth and said, “Good evening, all.” Everyone in the restaurant turned to see who was speaking. “About ten years ago, I met the woman of my dreams in this club.” Daddy looked over at their table and smiled. Lizzie’s eyes flew open wide and she turned to her mother for confirmation. Mommy nodded. “It’s true,” she said to her daughter._

_“And somehow I tricked her into marrying me.” Daddy was still talking. “I met her by playing this piano on this stage. Tonight, I beg your patience as I attempt to recreate that night and dedicate this performance to our daughter, who is here with us tonight. I’m a sucker for that old Earth jazz. If any of you have seen the old vids, you’ll recognize this one. And Lizzie Baby, this one’s for you.”_

_Lizzie put her hands in her lap and stared in silence as her daddy began to push the white buttons and beautiful sounds rose out of the piano and toward her ears. She couldn’t move. She could barely breathe. She didn’t know her daddy could do that. And then he started to sing._

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high  
There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby.

_She loved the words. And she loved her daddy’s voice too. It was the most beautiful music she had ever heard._

Where troubles melt like lemon drops,  
High above the chimney tops,  
That's where you'll find me.

_She looked over at her mommy. Was Mommy crying? But she was smiling. Lizzie was confused. She looked back at her daddy who was looking over at her. She couldn’t help it. She wanted to go up there with him. She walked slowly. She turned to look at mommy, but mommy just smiled at her. Mommy didn’t try to stop her._

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow  
Why, oh why can't I?

_And then she was on stage with Daddy. The music stopped. The people clapped, but all Lizzie could see was her daddy’s face, smiling down at her. He laughed and scooped her up in his arms._

Shepard sighed. Such a long time ago. She didn’t know if anyone on Earth would know that song anymore. After that visit to Earth, her father had shown her the old vid it came from and it would always be her favorite. It was one of her most treasured memories, especially since her father died…

She made a decision.

“I think we need some shore leave.” She smiled. “Wanna see Chicago?”

Garrus and Tali both looked at her in unison, confused.

“My home.”

*************************

“Oh, I could get used to this, Shepard. Glad you finally realized we needed to take our relationship to the next level.”

“I didn’t know that taking you out for dinner and drinks with the entire crew meant we were rounding the bases.” Her mouth twisted into a mocking smile as Joker shook his head and brushed off the retort.

“I knew you couldn’t resist me. I’m impressed with how long you held back, really.”

She just laughed and enjoyed the release that came from really letting go. The jazz club hadn’t changed since she was five. She understood now why her parents had loved it so much. Bringing her crew here was a great idea. She looked around to make sure everyone was entertained.

Tali, Kaidan, and Ashley were on the dance floor. _Well, that’s a new development. I’m glad Ashley’s getting along with Tali._ Chakwas was browsing the wine list and seemed thoroughly happy with the selection. She’d even treated everyone to a bottle of one of her favorites, and Shepard had to admit that the doctor had fantastic taste.  They’d all enjoyed a fantastic dinner, Shepard’s treat, and the Commander was enjoying relaxing and spending time with her crew – her friends – in one of the best places in the galaxy.

“Interesting place, Shepard.” Wrex startled her. She didn’t know he was standing behind her.

“I hope you’ve had a good night, Wrex. I wanted everyone to have a bit of time off.”

“Good idea. Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves.”

“I hope so,” her voice dropped slightly. “We’ve got a lot of hard days ahead of us. I figured we could use a little fun.”

Wrex nodded and moved over to talk to Joker.

Shepard quickly took stock of her crew again. Tali and Ashley had returned to the group of tables reserved for the crew. Their faces were flushed and they appeared slightly out of breath, but happy. Pressly and Garrus had been exchanging war stories to her right all evening. _Another interesting development_ , she thought. _Didn’t think Pressly would like Garrus much, but he’s hard to dislike_. She smiled as she watched Garrus.

She realized she was staring and shifted her gaze. Liara was quietly chatting with Chakwas at the bar and Kaidan –

Where was Kaidan? He had been on the dance floor with Tali and Ashley, but he wasn’t there now. _Oh well_. _Maybe he’s found a new object for his attentions._ _That would be fine with me._ _Hell, Ashley’s in love with him. If only he noticed her instead…_

She felt slightly ashamed at the thought of being relieved if Kaidan moved on to someone else. But the truth was that she hadn’t found a way to let him down yet and his advances were becoming more pronounced. It would be a load off her shoulders if he would just move on to someone who was truly interested in him.

“Pardon me, everyone,” a voice over the microphone brought Shepard out of her reverie. All eyes turned to the stage where a small, bald man was speaking. “Pardon me. I apologize for interrupting your evening and we hope you are all enjoying your night, but we’ve had a very special request for a musical number.”

Murmurs settled in over the room, but Shepard had a sinking feeling in her stomach which manifested itself by sinking her body further into the seat. She glanced around nervously at her crewmates. None of them were looking at her. They were all chatting with each other or watching the bald man on stage. _Maybe I have nothing to worry about –_

“We have an important guest with us tonight and I’ve been told a very talented guest as well.”

Shepard froze. _Where the fuck is Kaidan?_ _He wouldn’t have_ –

 “Everyone put your hands together for Commander Shepard, Hero of the Skyllian Blitz!”

She was going to kill him.

“We’re in for a special treat tonight folks!” The bald man continued. “We’ve been informed by a member of Commander Shepard’s crew that she is a musician as well as a soldier and that she will perform for us tonight!”

The applause grew louder, accompanied by shouts. _That’s what you get for opening your mouth, Shepard._

She took a quick survey and noticed that each member of the crew was staring at her now, waiting for her to move. Her eyes lingered on Garrus’ face. He looked like he was smiling, but he wasn’t clapping like the rest of the room. He was just looking at her, intense and still.

“Commander Shepard? Are you out there…?” The poor, bald man at the microphone looked lost.

“Well, what are you waiting for, Shepard?” Joker mocked. “You won’t get anything else from me tonight unless you get up on that stage.”

The look she gave him could have set him on fire, but then she heard another voice to her right.

“So what do you do, Shepard?” Garrus’ voice calmed her. He had crept over to her side when he saw her distress. “Do you play or sing?”

She turned to face him. “A little of both, I guess,” she admitted. “But neither of them very well.”

“That’s not what you told me a few days ago,” Kaidan somehow appeared on her other side.

“You are in so much trouble right now, Lieutenant,” she glared at him.

“Don’t be mad, Commander,” he used her title in return. “Consider it ‘team-building’.”

“I must admit,” Garrus added, “I would enjoy hearing you perform.”

That was all it took. If Garrus wanted to hear, then she would get on that stage and make a fool of herself. She rolled her shoulders back, gave one quick glance at Kaidan on her left and Garrus on her right and set off for the stage.

She’d been on this stage before. It looked the same. But the last time, it was her father at the piano. She sat down at the bench and tipped the mic toward her mouth.

“Hello everyone,” she said tentatively. “I apologize for my crew imposing my non-talent on you this evening. And I’m sure the owners of the club would appreciate if you don’t leave because of my performance.” She got a slight chuckle from the crowd. She looked over at her crew. They had all moved toward the area reserved for them and were sitting together, smiling at her, encouraging her.

She looked at Kaidan. He couldn’t look more pleased with himself.

She looked at Garrus. He sat in rapt attention and as soon as their eyes met, he smiled at her, reassuringly.

“What my crew doesn’t know is I came here with my parents a long time ago. My dad was the real musician, not me. He’s gone now, but this was the first song he taught me.” She turned back to the piano, took a deep breath, and started to play.

It had been too long since she had stroked the keys of an instrument, but it came back to her in an instant. After those few days of shore leave on Earth all those years ago, she had begged her father to teacher her to play and sing. He indulged her. She was never as good as her father, but she could make do.

_Somewhere over the rainbow…_

As soon as the notes left her throat, she forgot everyone around her. All she could think of was Dad.

_And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true…_

Maybe Kaidan had the right idea. This made her feel better than she’d felt in weeks. Months. Maybe years.

_If happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow, why oh why can’t I?_

She let the last few notes trail off. She released the pedal and there was silence. She sat there, feeling embarrassed. _Was it that awful?_ , she cringed at the thought of Garrus laughing at her singing.

And then it started. The entire room burst into applause. She blushed and hurried off the stage. Her crew welcomed her with hugs and claps on the back.

“Never heard anything like that, Shepard,” Garrus was grinning at her.

“Hope that’s a good thing,” she looked at him sideways.

“A very good thing.” He was giving her that look again. The one he had given her a few days before when she asked about the forehead gesture. The one she couldn’t read.

“Well, I’m glad it didn’t scare you off, at least.”

“Never,” her breath hitched. She could have sworn that he looked like he was about to reach out to touch her, but he didn’t. “I’m right behind you, Shepard.” She thought she might faint. The alcohol, the memories of her father, and hearing these words from Garrus in this moment were almost too much for her to keep it together.

Kaidan stepped in between them. “Wow, Shepard. When you said you were good, that was an understatement.” He was beaming at her. She couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“Thanks, Kaidan, but I think that’s enough for me tonight.” Garrus had turned and was heading back to a table with Wrex and Tali. She struggled to hide her disappointment in the loss of his presence at her side. “I’m pretty wiped out, I’m afraid.”

“Can I head back to the ship with you?” Kaidan was so eager. Garrus was perfect, but she was beginning to give up on the idea that he would ever be interested in her.   _And I have to get over the dream. He’s just not into me. But he_ is _my best friend, maybe that’s all he’ll ever be. I should just be happy with that and enjoy it as much as I can._

She turned back to her Lieutenant and flashed her teeth. “Sure, Kaidan. I’d like that.”

They headed for the door. She let herself look one last time over her shoulder at her turian hero. She could have sworn she caught him quickly glancing away from her, but maybe not. He seemed deeply engrossed in a conversation with Liara at the moment. Her shoulders sagged slightly, but she turned back to see Kaidan still grinning at her, sheepishly.

 _Take happiness where you can find it,_ she heard her mother’s voice. And maybe Hannah Shepard was right this time. _Why look for a dream when others would kill for what I have right in front of me?_

In that moment, she made a decision.

She turned her back on the club and left with the man who loved her.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Human music was entirely foreign to Garrus, but the song Shepard had sung touched him somehow. Something that transcended language barriers and modalities spoke to him as she had touched the keys. Even though he knew that Shepard was upset with Kaidan, to say the least, Garrus was glad that Kaidan had coerced her into the performance. He thought it was good for the crew to see her in a more normal light.

 _It really is a team-building exercise._ He chuckled.

But there was something more happening to him as he listened to her perform. Something that he was afraid to put words to. It was entirely bizarre and socially unacceptable, but the feeling had been growing in him for weeks now. The reason he couldn’t stop thinking about her. The reason she invaded not only his waking thoughts but his dreams.

She was more than just his Commander. She was more than just his friend. He cared for her deeply. He wasn’t sure how deeply yet, but seeing her interact with the crew, watching her help those in need. He saw a bit of himself in her and he saw a person who let him be who he wanted to be without judging. He didn’t have to be the perfect turian or the best C-Sec Officer, following all the rules. She expected nothing from him but himself and it was refreshing.

She was a human. He was a turian. But he couldn’t deny that something was going on inside of him. In that moment, he quit trying.

 _But it can never become anything_ , he thought, grunting to himself as he took another swig of his drink. _Not when she has humans and asari fawning all over her. Kaidan would give anything if she would pay him any mind._

_I’m not even attracted to humans, but something about her…_

He watched her face as she played the last few notes of the song. He felt his face plates relax into a grin.

 _She is beautiful, somehow. A beautiful human. More beautiful than the other one, because she is strong and caring and…_ He scolded himself and took another drink. The song was over. Shepard had left the stage and was returning to their reserved area.

_Pull yourself together, Vakarian. This can never be, but you can be her support and you can always be there when she needs you._

He straightened his civvies and stood up to congratulate her. It took all his effort to hide the emotions he felt rising in his chest.

“ _Never….I’m right behind you, Shepard.”_ He heard himself say it. He wanted to reach out and pull her to him. He wanted to tell her what he felt, but he couldn’t.

So when Kaidan interrupted them, he took the opportunity to escape before he did something he and Shepard would both regret.

His heart sank a little when he saw the Lieutenant put his hand on the small of her back and lead her to the door. It sank more when he saw her smile at the human man instead of him, but he knew it was better this way. She would be happier with someone of her own kind. And of all things he wanted in this world now, that was near the top of the list.

_I want her to be happy, whatever that means._

He saw her turn before exiting the club and look at him, but he turned away and resolved that he would not get in the way of her happiness. He would let her go, but the song she had sung rang in his ears and his heart.

_And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true…._


	10. He Had Cared for Her

She knew she was in bad shape when even her dad’s old jazz recordings didn’t cheer her up. She was beginning to realize that this mission involved so much more than chasing Saren or the geth. People were going to die. People had died. They had died today. And she could only do so much to save them.

Today she had failed, and she felt the failure keenly.

The Thorian had been utterly frustrating. But the death of a strange life form didn’t bother her so much as the colonists she had been unable to save. Oh, they had managed to save most of them, but a handful of civilians had died because she wasn’t good enough.

 _Nihlus probably wouldn’t have failed._ _The only reason he failed at something was because a friend turned on him. If he had been there today, those colonists might have lived._

She stood up from her bed, fists clenched. It did no good to have thoughts like these, but she couldn’t shake them today. _Stop doubting yourself, Elizabeth. Doubt will hurt your team and others more when you are afraid or hesitate to make a call_. She knew that was what her mother would say.

She breathed deeply. Deep down, she knew it was not all her fault. She knew she had done the best she could – that her crew had done the best they could – and at the end of the day it was all she could do.

_Punching things. That will help. It always does. A private pity party does nothing. Punching things is at least semi-productive._

She unclenched her fists and strode towards the elevator.

****************

She heard Ashley and Wrex talking together when the elevator door opened. They hushed as soon as they saw her and returned to working at their stations, quietly. It was obvious she was not in a conversational mood. She turned to the right and dragged out her equipment.

She tied her hair back and stretched. Images flashed before her eyes. Colonists shooting at her as her team attempted to make its way through the facilities. Fai Dan’s final act of bravery as he took his own life.

Shepard straightened quickly from her stretched position and placed the punching bag where she wanted it. She breathed out slowly and released all her fury.

Beads of sweat started to run down her face and chest. She lashed out with all her anger at the bag in front of her. She could hear her voice straining with each punch and kick.

She thought of the last time she had been in the cargo bay like this. Nihlus had taught her some new tricks. She hadn’t forgotten them. She tried one of the maneuvers he had shown her. She was a little rusty in basic hand-to-hand tactics, it seemed.

Shepard continued her dance of angry movements. She heard the elevator door open and saw Kaidan exit. She knew he was there watching her for a moment. She was afraid he would come over and try to talk to her. If he did, she would probably punch him in the jaw. The last thing she wanted was to talk to Kaidan right now.

Luckily, she didn’t have to punch him. He walked past her to Ashley’s station. She could hear them exchange a few words and then he, Ashley, and Wrex all got into the elevator together. The Requisitions Officer followed close behind them.

Shepard paused for a moment. She needed to catch her breath, and she was relieved to have the cargo bay to herself. She grabbed a quick drink from the water bottle she had brought down with her and continued her exercise with just as much energy and frustration as before.

She nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard her favorite voice behind her.

“Not bad, Shepard. Didn’t know you were trained in turian combat techniques.”

She flipped around quickly. There he was. How had she not seen him? She must be really out of it if she hadn’t noticed her blue-eyed hero in the cargo bay earlier. Her heart clinched in her chest. He was leaning against a crate, arms crossed, one foot over the other, painfully reminiscent of another turian who had crept up on her work out in the cargo bay before.

“Garrus,” she said, panting. “Didn’t know you were down here.”

“You looked a little preoccupied,” he continued and took a step toward her. “Figured you wanted some time alone, but I couldn’t help noticing some of the moves you’ve been practicing. Those aren’t human styles of fighting. I didn’t know any humans even knew a couple of the combinations I just saw you inflict on this poor bag here.” His mandibles spread and she couldn’t help but relax a little.

“I guess I have been a bit out of it this evening,” she said, trying to regain her breath. “It’s been a tough couple of days.” She reached for her water and took a few gulps. Garrus’ expression looked sympathetic.

“Yeah, it has been. You want to talk about it at all?”

“Not really.” She turned away from him. Even though there was no one in the world she would rather be with right now, she still did not want to talk about how many colonists had died today because she was unfit to lead.

“All right. I get that. You want to fight then? I could help you work on some of those tactics you were trying a few minutes ago.” His face took on a slightly mocking appearance. “You could use a little help with your technique, I think.”

“Is that right, Vakarian?” She dried herself of briefly with a towel. “You’re on.”

They both crouched defensively, but she was still so worked up, she foolishly lashed out first. Garrus was fast. _He’s faster than Nihlus_ , she thought. In all the weeks she had Garrus on her crew, she hadn’t sparred with him. She knew he was handy with a rifle, but they’d never trained together in the cargo bay without weapons involved.

Garrus’ style was different from Nihlus’, but he was just as good. But Nihlus had given her a few tidbits of information that helped her. She could read Garrus’ strategy a little better, because Nihlus had taught her the basics of how turians are trained.

But she was tired. She had been “sparring” with the punching bag for a good forty-five minutes before Garrus interrupted her. Her body was exhausted. Her mind and heart were emotionally exhausted, and eventually Garrus had the upper hand.

With one swift movement, he trapped her with his left leg, careful not to catch her on his spur, and pinned her underneath him as she fell.

Shepard’s heart was racing. _Oh, this is too familiar._ She was pinned by a turian on the mat in the cargo bay. Her mind flashed back to Nihlus and how he had held her there each time. Garrus appeared to be doing the same thing.

He didn’t move. She didn’t speak. There was that expression on his face again. The one she couldn’t understand.

A muffled sob almost escaped her lips when he finally let her up. _Dammit_ , she thought. _I have to stop fooling myself about him. He is just my friend. Nothing more._

She straightened her clothes and grabbed another drink.

“So, who taught you how to fight like that, Shepard?” He had perched up on a crate and was watching her as she caught her breath.

“You’re not the only turian who’s been on this ship, Garrus ,” she grinned at him.

“I remember reading the reports about Nihlus being on board when this all started, but I didn’t think he was here that long.”

She turned away from him. She didn’t want him to see her face at this moment.

“No, he wasn’t here long. He was with us for about three weeks before the drop on Eden Prime. But it was long enough to teach me some things about turian styles of combat, I guess,” _As well as other things_ …

“Strange he would teach some of that to you. We’re not very generous with our battle skills. Like to keep them to ourselves, you could say.”

“Well, I don’t know what else was in that report you read, but Nihlus was one of the reasons I became a Spectre. I guess he thought I had potential. Took an interest in me,” _In more ways than one_. She smiled as she thought of the bright green eyes and the way his talons had felt in her hair.

“I wish we’d had more time.” Her voice sounded softer and more nostalgic than she would like.

Garrus was silent at that. She slowly turned to look at him, almost afraid of what she would see. But he was just sitting there, looking at her.

“It says a lot of you that he would try and train you,” he said. “Some of those moves take a lot of practice. Must have taken a while to work on them.”

This conversation was slightly awkward, talking with the one person in the galaxy she wanted to be her lover about her former lover, but Garrus didn’t know that. And somehow, despite the awkwardness, it was nice to talk to someone about Nihlus. She still missed him and how comfortable he had made her feel.

“Yeah, we used to spar down here ever night.” She stared off to the side slightly as she remembered. “He used to tease me that humans were squishy and he didn’t know how we had survived as a species with such flimsy skin. But he was patient with me,” her mouth twitched slightly.

“I miss him.”

Why had she said that? To Garrus of all people. Her emotions were all jumbled up inside of her. The dead colonists. Remembering Nihlus. Garrus just sitting there listening to her, drawing things out of her she never thought she would tell anyone.

“Sounds like he was a good friend,” his voice was so quiet she almost didn’t hear him.

“Oh, he was so much more than a – “ her eyes flew open wide. What was she about to say? Was she about to tell Garrus about her relationship with Nihlus? Her emotions were really running away with her. _Get yourself under control, Shepard._

She was mortified. What would Garrus think about her relationship with Nihlus? He couldn’t have missed that comment. He surely understood what was about to slip out of her mouth. What would he think about her? Would he be disgusted? It was not really acceptable behavior for turians to be involved with humans. Obviously it happened occasionally, but it was still frowned upon.

She thought she might just give up if he were ashamed of her. She couldn’t bear the thought.

“What I meant to say was…” she wanted to sink into the floor or disappear, but there was no way out of this one. “Well, shit, Garrus. There’s nothing to say.”

She stood there in front of him, feeling completely vulnerable. For a moment, she was back in the alleyway with Josiah’s blood running down her back. Powerless, frightened, unable to move, while her turian hero observed her with his piercing eyes.

“It must have been hard to lose him,” was all Garrus said in that same quiet voice. She gathered enough courage to look at his face. He didn’t look angry, or shocked, or disgusted or anything she expected. He simply looked…..sad?

She wasn’t sure. It was that look again, but somehow it was different. _A little melancholy_ , she thought. _But why?_

“It was. I….had never known someone like him before.” She noticed her fingers were shaking slightly and her knuckles were white. She released them. “He wouldn’t have let those colonists die today.”

He slowly stood up from the crate and walked towards her. She met his eyes. Oh, how she wished he would just wrap her in his arms and make all these feelings fade away. But she knew he wouldn’t. He did, however, reach out and touch her on the shoulder. He was so close to her she could feel his breath on her face.

“You don’t know that, Shepard. You did the best you could. We all did, and I’m sure Nihlus would have been pleased to know you haven’t forgotten him.”

She didn’t look away from him this time, but she shook her head.

“No, I will never forget him. He gave me something I’ll never forget, besides some new combat techniques.” She felt a knot at the back of her throat. _Why am I blabbing like this?_ But she couldn’t help it, she kept going. She wanted Garrus to know.

“He gave me confidence. He believed in me. And –“ What would he say?

She gave up fighting. She wanted to tell someone. She wanted someone to know how much pain she had been in since the drop on Eden Prime. And of all the people she wanted to tell, it was Garrus. “And he loved me.”

Somehow, her heart felt better already. The burden she had been carrying, the guilt from Nihlus’ death until today when even more people had died was slightly lighter than before. Her secret was out and somehow, she felt relieved.

She studied Garrus’ face for any reaction. He was so intense. So still. With that look on his face.

Finally, he started to speak.

“Shepard, I…” and then the elevator door slid open. Both she and Garrus jumped back from each other. Shepard felt the color rush to her cheeks and she looked over at Garrus who appeared to have a dark color rising up his neck. _Is he blushing too_?, startled at the realization.

Kaidan and Ashley and Wrex exited the elevator.

“Glad you finally decided to take a break,” Kaidan said to her, smiling, as he brought her a bowl with some food. “Thought you might be hungry after that work out.”

She knew he wanted her approval, but she couldn’t give it to him right now. She had been trying to make herself care for Kaidan, but it wasn’t working. And he had interrupted her now, just now, when it seemed like Garrus was going to tell her something important.

And now the moment was over. She looked over for Garrus, but he had headed back to his station by the Mako, back turned, bent over his tools.

Crestfallen, she turned back to Kaidan.

“Thanks, Kaidan, but I think I just need some rest.”

“At least take it back to your quarters or something. You should eat. You can’t keep going like this, Commander.” He was right, of course. She needed to eat, but she didn’t want to and she didn’t want to accept this gesture from Kaidan right now. Not in this moment.

“I appreciate it, Kaidan, but really, I think I’ve exerted myself to the point of puking if I try to eat anything. I’ll take it back to the mess on my way up.”

She grabbed the food out of her Lieutenant’s hands and headed for the elevator. She turned around as she pushed the button.

Garrus had stopped looking at his tools and had turned around to watch her. She held his eyes until the elevator door closed.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Is she alright, Garrus?” Kaidan’s voice was the last thing Garrus wanted to hear right now.

“Oh, she’s strong, Lieutenant. I’m sure she’ll be fine, but it’s been a rough day for her. For all of us.” He pretended to turn his attention back to the project in front of him, but his heart was so confused. Shepard and Nihlus. Human and turian. _Was it possible she could care for a turian? Well, that was obvious. She had cared for Nihlus, and he had cared for her._

 _Could she care for him too?_ _A simple former C-Sec Officer with no claim to fame. Not a great Spectre like Nihlus…_

“Yeah, you’re right. She’s amazing, you know? Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am to be on this team, for more reasons than one.”

Garrus grunted as Alenko’s voice brought him out of his trance. But the annoying human wouldn’t shut up.

“She makes you want to be better than yourself – something more than what you are. I can’t really explain it,” Kaidan shook his head in a gesture of frustration.

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Garrus replied, quietly. He needed Kaidan to leave. Now. “Look, Kaidan, I would give the Commander a night off, but she should be fine tomorrow. I just think she could use some time to think. For now, I’ve got a lot of work to do…” He trailed off, hoping Kaidan would take the hint.

“Of course. Sorry to bother you Garrus,” Kaidan started to leave, but turned around after a few steps. “And Garrus? Thanks for looking out for her. I’m sure everyone probably knows about us by now,” _The nerve of this man_ , Garrus thought. He clenched his fists around the tool in his hand. _Talking about his_ relationship _with Shepard so casually. Like she was some trophy to show off in front of his friends._ “But she really values your opinion. I’m sure you cheered her up.”

Garrus wasn’t so sure that he really had, but under his breath he said, “I’ll always be here if she needs me.”

But Kaidan hadn’t heard him. He was already in the elevator and completely oblivious to anything or anyone else around him.

Garrus rubbed his jaw as he realized he’d been clenching his teeth. He was so confused. This was not what he had expected at all. He had finally given up on telling himself that his feelings for his Commander were merely platonic, but he had also given up on the possibility of her returning his affections. He didn’t think it was possible that a human could fall for a turian. _Hell, I didn’t think it was possible for a turian to fall for a human, but here I am_.

But she had loved Nihlus. Cared for him at least. He didn’t know what to do with this revelation.

And she had shared it with him. She had trusted him enough to tell him something so private. _At least now I know where she saw the forehead gesture. I wish she had just told me the truth…_

But what to do with this information. Should he go to her? Should he continue to maintain his distance from her emotionally, as he had set his mind to doing? He thought she had finally given in to Alenko’s advances. She had left the club with him. She had been taking the Lieutenant everywhere with her. The new team had been Garrus, Shepard, and Kaidan on every mission. It seemed that the Commander’s feelings towards Alenko had changed.

Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe there was hope for him.

But she had jumped back from him as soon as Kaidan had exited the elevator. _Was she embarrassed to have Alenko see them together?_

And if that was the case, she clearly didn’t want to be with him.

Garrus threw his tools down in frustration. His chest was heaving. He was lost.

No, he wouldn’t push her. He cared enough for her that he wouldn’t do what Alenko had done – he wouldn’t push her into caring for him. He wouldn’t coerce her or force her to notice him.

He would remain her faithful friend, at her six, always there when she needed him. And if she decided to change that relationship, he would do whatever she wanted, be whatever she needed.

And it would be enough for him.


	11. A Huge Mistake

_“What is that? Off in the distance.”_

_“It’s a ship. Look at the size of it!”_

_She looked up at Ashley’s comment. There it was. The ship from the vidlink she had just watched with Anderson and Nihlus. It was even bigger than she had imagined._

_She shuddered inwardly._ How in the world are we supposed to fight that thing?, _she thought._

Can’t worry about it now. Gotta find that beacon. And Nihlus.

_They pushed forward. She hadn’t received an update from Nihlus in a while. She was a little nervous, especially after seeing that monstrosity of a ship._

_“Commander, look out!”_

_She heard Kaidan’s shout and saw his throw before she saw the husk running at her full tilt from behind the crate to her left._

_“Shit. Thanks, Alenko. Didn’t see that one.” The husks kept coming. She barked orders at Ashley and Kaidan. Slowly, but surely, they fought through the human-looking abominations._

_A sweep of the area revealed Cole and his friends hiding. A few brief words resulted in a new pistol. But still no sign of Nihlus._

_“Let’s keep moving.”_

_The team turned back to the platform and crept cautiously up the stairs, keeping an eye out for more husks._

_And there he was. Shepard lowered her new weapon and stood still. She couldn’t move. Her team seemed slightly uncomfortable behind her. It was Kaidan that finally spoke._

_“Commander. It’s Nihlus.”_

_She knew it. She didn’t need Kaidan to tell her it was her turian lover sprawled on the ground in front of her. But somehow his words finally pushed her forward._

No.Not now. Not when we were just getting somewhere. Always when I start to finally feel close to someone…When I start to trust…

I had so much more to say…

_She knelt next to his lifeless body. He was still warm. Turians were always warmer than humans, but he was warm enough that he couldn’t have been there long._

If only I had been here sooner…

_She shook her head, trying to ward off the guilt-ridden thoughts pricking at the back of her mind. She could hear Ashley and Kaidan talking softly, but she ignored them._

_Nihlus was laying on his left side, his face slightly tilted away from her. She reached with one hand to pull Nihlus over so she could take a better look at his face, but then realized something as her hand touched his armor._

This isn’t Nihlus.

_Her heart stopped, and she frantically pulled the body onto its back._

No. No. No.

_Bile rose in her throat. Her heart leaped, choking her with sobs._

_“That’s not Nihlus,” she heard Kaidan behind her. “Who is that, Commander? Didn’t think there would be any other turians on this rock…”_

_But she couldn’t explain. Commander Elizabeth Shepard didn’t cry. But she felt the tears rising. They were about to burst out of her eyes and throat and she felt her body begin to convulse with real pain as she struggled to keep those forbidden drops of water inside of her._

_She pulled the turian body into her arms._

_“No!” she finally muttered. “No! No! Not him!”_

_Ashley moved up next to her and knelt down beside her, putting a hand on her shoulder._

_“Commander…” Ashley’s concern trailed off as Shepard pushed her hand away and held the turian closer. She looked at his face._

_She knew it by heart. Instead of red plates they were grey. The clan markings weren’t white, but blue. The piercing eyes staring blankly at her. She couldn’t hold it in any longer._

_“Garrus…” she buried her face in his cowl._

_“Garrus!”_

*****************

“GARRUS!”

She was shaking. Panting, she glanced around her cabin. Everything was as it should be.

 _The feelings were so vivid_ , she thought. _Almost as vivid as the beacon vision._

The air was freezing. And the cold sweat on her skin only made it worse. She went to her drawer and pulled out a pair of sweats and a zip up jacket to cover her tank and shorts. Checking her omni-tool for the time, she found she had a fairly recent message from Ashley.

 _2:57 in the morning, eh, Chief?_ she thought glumly. _Guess I’m not the only one having a rough night’s sleep_. _Well, it’s 4:30 now. No use trying to get more rest at this point._

The ship was still on night cycle shift. Most of the crew wouldn’t wake up until 6. Shepard wasn’t a morning person at all, but she liked it when the ship was quiet.

 _But Tali is right. Sometime this ship is_ too _quiet._

She made her way out of her cabin and up the stairs. The control room was completely empty. A few lights blinked on and off at individual stations. She made her way past the airlock.

The pilot chair was empty, as she had hoped and expected. She quietly slid into the seat and looked at what was ahead of her. No matter how many years she had spent aboard ships, she never tired of looking out at the stars. The view gave her peace. It felt more like home than Earth did most of the time.

_No matter what happens, on Earth, at home, or with intergalactic politics, the stars don’t change._

She liked consistency. She liked something she could depend on.

 _Like Garrus. Just like the stars._ ….

She felt sick at the thought of the dream again. _It felt so real…_ She hadn’t been so affected by a dream since she was a child.

She heard a sound behind her and flipped around.

“Sorry, Commander,” Ashley jumped back slightly. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

Shepard relaxed. “Not at all, Chief. I didn’t expect anyone else to be up at this hour,” she looked down at Ashley’s hands, each of which held a cup of something. “I especially didn’t expect anyone to notice I had stolen Joker’s seat for a couple more hours.” She smiled at Ashley, reassuring her, and the Chief handed her one of the mugs she held.

“I was in the mess when you left your cabin earlier. You looked pretty upset. I figured you didn’t see me since you walked past so quickly,” she flashed a quick grin at the Commander. “But you also looked like you weren’t headed back to try and get any more rest, so I figured you might like a cup of something strong.”

“You would be absolutely correct, Williams. Thank you.” Shepard took a sip of her coffee and sighed slowly. It was horrible stuff, but it would do the trick. She had a feeling it was going to be a long day. “I saw that you sent me a message at some god-forsaken hour, Chief, but I have no idea what it’s about. I admit that I was preoccupied when I woke up and didn’t look at it yet.”

Ashley shifted her weight from one foot to the other. She bit the inside of her cheek and pushed her hair out of her face.

“Oh…well…” she started. “I feel kind of silly asking you like this. I…I couldn’t really sleep. I kind of wish I hadn’t sent that message now. It all seems really selfish.”

Williams wasn’t always her favorite crew member, but she felt a twinge of regret that her Chief didn’t feel comfortable talking to her. She had tried really hard to make all of her crew feel welcome and unafraid to come to her with problems. _Apparently I failed at that too_ , she thought glumly.

“I’m sorry I didn’t read the message earlier, Williams, but I’m sure it can’t be that silly. And you might be surprised at some of the requests I’ve had from your fellow crew members. Knowing you, I highly doubt you would ask me something unless it was really important.”

Ashley smiled slightly at that, but still seemed uncomfortable.

“Yeah, you’re right, Commander. I don’t want to waste your time, so I’ll just lay it out.” Ashley took a deep breath. “So…remember my sisters? I have three of them. We’re all pretty close – I mean, I practically raised them.”

Shepard shook her head in acknowledgement. She remembered. It was a softer side of Ashley that she had actually been pleased to see. When Ashley spoke about her sisters, she wasn’t all business and duty and hard lines. She was just a normal girl with normal family and normal problems.

“Well, I noticed that we are heading back to the Citadel before the next mission,” she continued. “I was wondering if it would be possible for me to have a day of leave while we’re there – if we can spare the time, of course. It just happens to be Lynn’s birthday, and she will be on the Citadel at the same time we will be docked…”

 _That was all? She’s nervous to ask me about that? Gods….have I really made myself seem so distant that she was afraid to ask me for a few hours of leave to spend with her family?_ Shepard’s brows drew together.

“Ashley, I’m sorry if I made you afraid to ask that question,” she began. “Of course you can. We will be docked for a couple days, at least. We need to resupply and I have some people to see while we are there. I have no problem with giving you some leave. In fact, I’ll probably give everyone some leave while we’re there. We all deserve it after the last few missions.”

Ashley’s face lit up. Shepard grinned at her and took another sip of coffee. She was starting to wake up and the dream was beginning to fade. It helped to see one of her crew look so relieved and….excited. There wasn’t much cause for excitement lately – at least not the good kind.

“Thanks, Commander. I really appreciate it.”

Shepard waved her hand at Ashley and continued. “Williams, I’m off duty. It’s 5:15 in the morning. Call me, Shepard. This formal shit is stupid.”

Ashley laughed back at her. “Thanks, Shepard. I have to admit it’s a little bit of a relief for you to let me call you that. It seems like everyone else on the ship already has permission, but you hadn’t given it to me. I was beginning to think you really didn’t like me….”

She stopped. A horrified look came over her face. “I…Commander….I didn’t mean it like that. I…well….dammit...”

But Shepard was the one who felt embarrassed. _I really have made her feel unwanted._

Her mother’s voice finished off the thought. _You’re a shit commander, Elizabeth_.

“Williams, I told you to call me Shepard. And don’t feel embarrassed. If anyone should feel bad, it’s me. And I do feel badly. I don’t want anyone on my crew to feel like an outsider. We all have a huge task ahead of us. We have to learn to work together. And you of all people have done an excellent job of getting along with people – or aliens – you don’t like. It’s me that should feel ashamed.”

Shepard took another sip of her coffee and turned back to the view in front of her. Almost 6 a.m. and the stars were still the same. No sun rising in the east. No birds chirping.

She and Ashley looked out over the vastness of space together for a few moments in silence.

“Command – Shepard…I’m afraid I may have given you the wrong impression of me. I’m not racist or xenophobic or anything like that,” Ashley finally broke the silence. “I know I have some baggage, but I don’t think it’s right to hold an entire race responsible for the mistakes of a few. I’ve always believed that, regardless of anything I may have said that sounded contrary.”

The Chief paused.

“Is that one of the reasons that you and I haven’t really gotten as close as some of the members of the crew?”

Ashley was speaking very informally in these early morning hours, but Shepard didn’t really mind. She felt extremely guilty that Ashley had these concerns at all. _Let her speak her mind_ , she thought. _I need to hear it._

“Probably,” she finally replied. “I didn’t mean for that to happen, but I guess it did. I knew that some of my viewpoints were very different from your own. I wasn’t sure we could overcome some of those gaps in opinion.”

Her coffee was gone. _That’s unfortunate_ , she thought grimly. _It really is going to be a long day_.

“It’s probably my fault for giving that impression,” Ashley said. “I know I expressed concerns over Garrus and Wrex early on, but they have proven to be excellent soldiers. And I think both of them would follow you to the ends of the universe if they had to,” she paused with a strange look on her face.

When she continued, it was so quiet, Shepard almost didn’t hear her.

“Especially Garrus.”

Shepard almost dropped her empty mug. Ashley, thankfully, didn’t seem to notice.

“He’s a good soldier,” was all Shepard said. She stood up from Joker’s chair and turned her back to space. “One of the best. Just like you, Williams. I have a great amount of trust and respect for all members of my crew.”

Ashley smiled at her.

“I’m sorry it took us so long to talk about some of these issues, Chief,” she continued. And it was true. She really was. Ashley had done everything asked of her and more. She had been a faithful and reliable member of the crew. Shepard appreciated that even more, knowing now how Ashley had felt about their relationship, or lack of relationship.

“And I know you meant it when you told me that your past wouldn’t get in the way of your work on this ship. It may have taken us a while to get here, but I actually hope that we can be friends,” Shepard looked sideways at Ashley. “And as your new friend, I promise to never ask you to kiss a turian, even though you said you would if I did.”

They both laughed at that. Shepard was about to walk past Ashley and say her good-byes, but Ashley’s next comment stopped her dead in her tracks.

“Well, I don’t think you’d have to worry about that, Shepard, because I’m not the one the turian would want to kiss, anyway.”

Shepard turned slowly and looked at Ashley square in the face. The Chief looked mortified. Shepard didn’t speak or move. _What is she talking about?_

“I’m sorry, Commander,” she began, humiliated. “Lack of sleep has gotten to me, I’m afraid. I just….I couldn’t help but notice.”

Somehow, Shepard wasn’t mad. She was shocked, but not angry. _Have I been so obvious in my attentions? And if I have been, why hasn’t Kaidan picked up on them and left me alone?_

“Notice what?” Shepard said slowly. She could have dropped the subject and relieved Ashley, but she wanted to know. What had Ashley noticed?

“I doubt anyone else would see what was going on,” Ashley had put her mug down on a panel and was wringing her hands, nervously. “I just happen to be the only girl in the cargo bay. It’s a little hard to miss how you always save Garrus for your last visit when you go on rounds, the way he always goes on every mission, how you linger when you talk to him and help him with the Mako…”

Shepard sank back down into Joker’s seat. Ashley was right. She had been painfully obvious. But it was also true that no one would have noticed unless they spent large amounts of time in the cargo bay. She did save Garrus for last every time she did rounds. Garrus went with her almost everywhere. He was the crewmate she turned to most often for help and advice.

“I am really sorry, Commander. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Shepard looked up at Ashley. She looked miserable. _Poor girl_ , she thought. _It’s not her fault I’m a lovesick fool for ole blue-eyes._

She tossed her a sympathy grin.

“No need to feel sorry, Ash. I would appreciate if you wouldn’t say anything about what you just shared with me to the rest of the crew though. Regs on fraternization and all that….even though I don’t give a flying fuck about them.”

Her head sank back into the seat and she looked out at space again. Constant. Unchanging.

 _Garrus_.

“In fact, I’m glad you said something. I guess I should be more guarded in some of my actions. But let me make something perfectly clear. Garrus and I are just friends. Nothing more.”

Nothing more. It was true. Her heart nearly broke at those words, but there was nothing more to tell. No matter how much she wished there was something more to tell, there wasn’t.

But he was her friend. Her best friend.

She recalled all the times she had made up some excuse to head down to the cargo bay to spend time with Garrus. All the times she had stood there handing him tools as he repaired something on the Mako. All the times she had just gone down to bounce ideas off of him before a mission.

“Can I ask you a question, Shepard? A personal one? Or have I gone too far?”

Shepard waved her hand at Ashley. She really didn’t care what Ashley had to ask at this point. She didn’t have to answer if she didn’t want to. And it seemed Ashley was fairly keen on her long-held secret anyway. “We’ve gone pretty far already with this conversation. I don’t see how it could go much farther. Go ahead, Ash. Ask away.”

“Is everything ok between you and Garrus?” she said quietly.

Shepard raised an eyebrow. She studied Ashley’s face. This was unexpected. Her Chief looked truly concerned.

“Yeah. As far as I know.” But she continued. “Why do you ask?”

“I’ve just….I’ve noticed that you haven’t been spending as much time in the cargo bay lately. I was afraid you two might have had a – “ she paused, looking for the right words, “ – a falling out or something.”

Shepard was quiet for a moment. She was afraid of the same thing. She was terrified of Garrus’ reaction to her revelation about Nihlus. He hadn’t said anything about it, and that was what worried her the most. _If he cared about me, he would have made a move_ , she told herself.

But he didn’t make a move. He didn’t treat her any differently. He did nothing.

He followed her wherever she asked him to. He watched her six. He kept her safe. But he didn’t do anything more than what he had always done since saving her from Josiah all those years ago.

She had to admit that she had been avoiding him. Ashley was right. But she was so afraid of what he would say….or not say.

 _I shouldn’t have told him_ , she thought, as she had thought over and over since the night she had revealed her secret. _I don’t know what came over me. I ruined everything._

But all she said to Ashley was, “Ash…I think I made a huge mistake.”

And silence. They sat looking out the cockpit window, staring at the constant stars for several moments. She didn’t want to explain her feelings or her mistake to her new friend. But she had a feeling she didn’t have to for the other woman to understand.

Finally, Ashley broke the silence.

“I think he misses you,” she said.

Shepard turned to face the other woman. She had never had a girl friend before. Never had a girl she could confide in. Most girls had hated her for her hair, her body, her combat abilities. But Ashley was different. Ashley was beautiful and strong all on her own. _How does she know me so well without really knowing me at all?_

“Like I said, I doubt anyone else would notice, because they don’t spend as much time in the cargo bay, but I think he’s noticed that you aren’t spending as much time down there either. I may not understand how you feel about him, and maybe it’s not what I think, but he’s much quieter than he used to be. He doesn’t talk to me or Wrex as much. Keeps to himself more than he used to. He always seems busy,” she paused and looked at Shepard, almost like she wanted approval to continue.

“And I’m a far cry from an expert reader of turian expressions, but I’m pretty sure he scowls whenever Kaidan comes down.”

Shepard couldn’t help it. She laughed loudly at that comment. A few crewmen had entered the control room for the day cycle shift and looked over in the direction of the cockpit, but quickly turned back to their stations.

“You think?” She asked. She had blushed slightly as she thought of Garrus scowling at Kaidan. She felt like a teenage girl.

 _Is this what it’s like to have a real friend to talk to? A girl friend? Someone to talk to about clothes and shoes and boys?_ She scolded herself for being so silly, but she liked the feeling of having a girl to talk to. And could Ashley be right? Could Garrus really be jealous of Kaidan’s affection for her?

“Yeah,” Ashley smiled. “I really do. And Shepard…just because I wouldn’t be interested in a turian, doesn’t mean I can’t understand why you might feel the way you do – if you do, that is. I’m not trying to assume anything, and you haven’t said, but….”she was rambling again and looked down at her hands for a moment, “the universe can be a hard place. A lonely place.”

The dream from a few hours before crept back into Shepard’s mind. The feelings were so real. The pain, the loss, the utter despair when she thought Garrus was dead.

Ashley was right. The universe could be a very lonely place.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is…I wouldn’t waste what time or chances you have,” Ashley looked back up from her hands. She met Shepard’s gaze with new resolve. “Anything could happen to us on this mission. The more we learn about Saren and everything else, the more I’ve been thinking that the people in our lives are more important than we ever knew. It’s one of the reasons I want to see my sister so badly on the Citadel.”

But she didn’t stop there.

“And Shepard, if you find someone, human or otherwise, that fills that void of loneliness in this universe somehow…don’t let it pass you by. _Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore, So do our minutes hasten to their end_ …”

Shepard looked carefully at Ashley. She wouldn’t have expected such a heart-felt speech from her Gunnery Chief, but there it was. Some of the best advice she had ever received from the person she had misunderstood the most on her crew.

“Noted, Ash. Thanks.”

The control room was coming to life now. Shepard looked past Ashley’s shoulder to see Pressly at his station.

“We should probably get to work, Chief.” She started to leave the constant stars behind her and Ashley followed.

“And Ash? How about you and I get some drinks on the Citadel while we’re there? I’d love to meet your sister if there’s time.”

Ashley flashed her teeth.

“I’d like that, Commander.”

“So would I!” Joker hobbled past the airlock and looked from one woman’s face to the other. “Sisters are great.”

Shepard punched him lightly on the shoulder.

“You may be the only crewmember I don’t grant leave to when we get to the Citadel,” she teased.

“Damn, Commander. That’s harsh. I guess it’ll just be you and me alone on the ship then. Don’t worry. I know lots of ways to have a good time, with or without sisters.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

He knew he was lost when he missed a shot. He never missed such a clean, easy shot. But he couldn’t help it. The way her hips swung and the way her waist dipped, even in her armor, was enough to distract him long enough to have to reload and fire again to hit his target.

“Losing your edge, Garrus?” she teased over the comm.

“Never, Shepard. Just a little sleep deprived. I have this Commander who drives her crew like slaves.”

“This commander of yours might not have to work her crew so hard if they didn’t miss so many easy shots.”

He replied by burying his next shot into the skull of another pirate – right between the eyes.

“Not bad, Vakarian,” Wrex countered. “But I’m pretty sure Shepard is ahead on the kill count now.”

Wrex was right. That one missed shot had been the tie-breaker. He and Shepard had been neck and neck until today. Until now. Until this moment when his constant view of her backside messed with his concentration.

But he couldn’t help himself. Since she had disclosed her relationship with Nihlus, he was hard pressed to think of much else when he was with her.

He still didn’t understand why she had told him about Nihlus. Did that mean she considered him just a friend? Such a close friend that she would confide even her deepest secrets to him?

Or was she confiding in him for another reason….

He watched as Shepard and Wrex opened the safe that contained the krogan’s family armor. They talked quietly, almost reverently, or at least as quietly or reverently as a krogan could talk. Wrex was clearly pleased. He was explaining more about his family to Shepard and she was patiently listening.

He took note of her head bob in acknowledgement of Wrex’s words. Her bun at the nape of her neck was slightly loose. He wanted to pull out the bands that kept it in place and run his fingers through her hair. He admired the form of her hips as she shifted her weight.

He gritted his teeth when he thought of Nihlus with her. Running his fingers through that hair. Touching her skin. Feeling her beneath him.

It was too much. He shook his head.

Yep. He was lost.

“You all right over there, Vakarian?” Her voice brought him back to reality. She was smiling at him slightly. He raised his browplates in response.

“Yeah. Just ready to get off this rock and fix all that damage you did to the Mako back there.”

“Always so uptight about the stupid Mako,” she said. “All right, you two. Let’s go.”

She flashed him a grin as she walked past. He soaked in the smell of her. She smelled slightly of sweat and skin and whatever it was that she used to clean that long, blonde hair.

Wrex sauntered past him and spoke under his breath.

“You’re lucky that humans can’t smell the scents you’re putting off right now, turian.”

Garrus jumped back in surprise and glared at the krogan. Wrex didn’t miss the expression and appeared pleased with himself.

“Don’t worry, Garrus,” he chuckled. “Secret’s safe with me. I have no idea why you would be interested in something so soft and squishy, but I’m not one to judge. Besides, it makes for good entertainment every time she comes down to the cargo bay.”

“You two lay-abouts coming or what?” Shepard hollered back at them.

Wrex walked toward the voice.

“Right behind you, Shepard,” Garrus replied and assumed his usual place, right behind his commander with a perfect view of those hips.


	12. A Voice She Hadn't Heard in Years

Drinks had been a good idea. No. A fantastic idea. And for some reason, Ashley decided to invite Tali as well. Two of Shepard’s closest friends – one old and one new – were relaxing with her and laughing like there wasn’t a rogue Spectre in the universe to worry about.

Commander Elizabeth Shepard found herself having fun – real fun. Something she hadn’t felt in ages. She didn’t even know the last time she could say that she was having fun.

She liked Lynn Williams. It was obvious she was Ashley’s sister. The two were completely alike, yet somehow totally opposite at the same time. They could have been twins. They looked alike, acted alike, even drank alike. But Lynn was a little shy and Ashley was still protective, even though her sister was a grown woman. _I wonder what it would be like to have a sister…_

 Just as she lost herself in that thought, Tali grabbed her by the arm.

“Shepard. You look a little too serious all of a sudden. Why don’t we go dance?”

“Oh no!” Shepard argued back. “There is no way you are getting me on that dance floor.”

“I know you _say_ that you’re a bad dancer, but you can’t be _that_ bad.”

“Oh, yes I can, Tali. Yes I can.”

“Come on, Skipper,” Ashley joined in. “I’ll go dance if you will.”

“Yeah, Commander,” even Lynn piped up. “We can all dance together. No one will notice how bad you are with the rest of us drawing attention away.”

Shepard looked at all three of the eager faces turned towards her. _What the hell._ She thought. _I guess it wouldn’t hurt to let loose for a little while. Who knows when we’ll get the chance to do this again? What was that poem Ash quoted the other day?_ Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore, So do our minutes hasten to their end… _Tennyson?….no, Shakespeare…_

She gulped down the last of her drink and said, “All right. Let’s do this shit.”

Her female posse dragged her off the couch, past the bar and toward the dance floor. Tali was already dancing. The girl had rhythm. Ashley and Lynn quickly joined in. Shepard felt awkward, but at least trotted her signature two-step.

Tali did a spin and turned to face her.

“Keelah, Shepard! You _are_ horrible!” All her friends laughed.

“Oh, yeah?” she winked at them. “You haven’t seen my best moves yet.”

With the support of her new friends, Shepard decided to really let loose. She was surrounded by people she cared about and who cared about her. The rest of the people in the club didn’t matter a bit.

She threw her arms and legs out in wild abandon. She felt her biotics flare slightly, but she kept them under control. She knew she looked more like a fish out of water, flopping around on the floor with no rhythm or coordination, but it felt good and she didn’t care.

She could tell her friends didn’t care either. They weren’t embarrassed to be seen with her. And besides the occasional jab at some particularly silly movement, they didn’t comment anymore on her lack of dancing ability.

Friendship and happiness – for the first time in her life, she felt like she had them both. _Too bad this will all end tomorrow when it’s back to chasing that damn traitor across the galaxy…_

Suddenly, she felt something. Something behind her. Something that made her stop and turn to look toward the entrance of the club.

 _Fuck_. _Kaidan. What the hell is he doing here…_

He stood in the doorway. He was watching her and smiling that sheepish, lovesick grin of his. And he wasn’t alone. Wrex slowly appeared from the doorway behind him and Garrus followed a second later. Kaidan said something to them and both sets of alien eyes turned to find her on the dance floor. She could feel those blue eyes piercing right through her, even from across the room.

 _Thank goodness I stopped in time_ , she thought, relieved. _If Garrus had seen me dancing, that could mean the end of a lot of things. I wonder how much he remembers of that night. So long ago now…_

She shivered slightly at the thought of Garrus knowing how weak she was ten years before. But her next thought bothered her almost as much as the first.

_I don’t want to keep secrets from him….how long do I have to keep up this lie?_

Joker hobbled into the picture next, flanking Wrex. As soon as Kaidan pointed towards the group of female crewmembers on the dance floor, Joker’s jaw dropped so low, she thought it might break off.

_You can’t just stand here, idiot. Go talk to them. Nothing is wrong. Garrus didn’t see anything and all Kaidan saw was you looking like a fool. Nothing to worry about._

She flitted her hand in a shy wave and motioned to Tali and Ashley. They quickly followed her off the dance floor, meeting Kaidan and _his_ posse halfway. Shepard led hers and Kaidan led his, both like flocks of geese in “V” formation. _It’s like a damned western. Squaring off on a dusty road in the old west…_

Kaidan spoke first.

“When we heard that you ladies were having a girls’ night out, we figured we deserved a guys’ night out. Just didn’t know we ‘d find you at the same place.”

 _Like hell you didn’t, you sneaky little_ –

“Well, if you think we’re leaving this bar just because the men-folk showed up,” Shepard replied, “you’ve got another thing comin’.”

“Not sure I understand that expression, Shepard,” Garrus piped up. “But we can leave if you’d rather have this bar for the ladies.” There was a twinkle in those sharp blue eyes of his. Kaidan looked distressed at Garrus’ suggestion. He clearly did not want to “leave the bar for the ladies.” He wanted to stay. He didn’t have to know that Shepard had no intention of leaving as long as Garrus was here.

 “Bosh’tets! All of you! Come on over and join us!” Tali joined in. “We’ve had plenty of time for…what did you call it, Shepard?... Oh yeah, ‘girl talk.’ We could use some male conversation.”

Shepard turned to Ashley for confirmation. “You ok with them joining us for a bit, Ash? After all, this was for you and Lynn.”

To her surprise, Ashley clapped Wrex on the shoulder. “Nah, this is great! I was hoping Lynn could meet some of the other crewmates, but figured there wouldn’t be time – not with us shipping out in the morning. Round of drinks for everyone on Lynn!”

“As long as there’s a heavy dose of ryncol involved, I’m in,” Wrex grumbled.

“Hey!” the mini-Ashley spoke up. “It’s _my_ birthday!”

“That’s right!” Ashley continued as they all headed back to the lounge area. “And that’s why you have to treat everyone else – We all have to put up with you because you were born!”

The two sisters exchanged a few punches on the shoulder on the way back to their seats.

Kaidan latched on to Shepard’s side like a barnacle as the party made its way back to their table.

“That was….an interesting dance, Shepard.” He looked at her sideways. Shepard glanced at Garrus out of the corner of her eye to see his reaction. He was surveying the crowd. She wasn’t sure whether he was paying attention to their conversation or not.

“Yeah, I’m a horrible dancer. Tali made me do it.” She elbowed Tali in the ribs who replied with a “Hey!”

“I enjoyed it, Commander.” Joker. Of course he did. “I especially enjoyed seeing all of you ladies dancing together. I will have to ask the DJ to put that song back on and get you all out of your seats again before we leave.”

Kaidan scowled at Joker. “You might be on leave and off the ship, Joker, but that’s still your commanding officer. You shouldn’t speak to her that way.”

The group had finally made it back to their seats. Shepard just laughed. “Ah, Kaidan. Thanks for jumping to save my honor, but there’s nothing to be saved. I have no honor when it comes to dancing.”

“I’m sure it couldn’t have been that bad, Shepard,” Garrus’ voice gave her goosebumps even over the din of the club. “I’ve seen you on the battlefield which is a much more complicated dance than any other.”

She looked away so no one would see her blush, not that she really had to worry in the dark lighting of the club anyway.

“I didn’t see much more than your arms above your head occasionally. Your back up dancers,” Kaidan motioned to Tali, Ashley, and Lynn,” were blocking the view.” He looked a little put out. Shepard had to stop from rolling her eyes.

“Hey! I saw something! And it was amazing!” Joker hobbled up to her side. “I just think you need to show us again, Commander. We need a better vantage point.”

“Joker,” Kaidan actually looked slightly angry, “you watch yourself – “

“Leave the man to his dreams, Kaidan,” she cut him off. “They aren’t hurting anyone, least of all me, and they’ll never come true anyway.”

Joker feigned hurt, but didn’t hesitate. “Don’t try to hide it, Commander. There’s no need to be ashamed of your feelings for me.”

“You’re absolutely right, Joker. I’ll have to tell everyone about how upset I was the night I found your blow up doll. I am _totally_ the jealous type and now everyone knows.”

Laughter erupted around them and Joker’s retort was stopped by a waitress bringing them a round of drinks. The crew settled in comfortably, and as usual, somehow Shepard found herself seated between her favorite turian and her moonstruck Lieutenant.

“I was going to say something clever, but now I’ll just make fun of your dancing,” Joker finally said.

 “I don’t think there are many people in the galaxy who do anything like me, let alone dance. Make fun all you want, but Commander Elizabeth Shepard is an original,” she said smugly.

“That’s for damn sure,” Kaidan said, adoringly. “Here’s to Commander Shepard! The most original dancer, Commander, and Spectre in the galaxy!”

Her crew raised their glasses and everyone laughed. She didn’t mind that it was at her expense. Garrus was here. He was sitting beside her. Her crew was happy. For one night, she could relax and be happy. She could be herself.

Shepard listened to her friends exchange stories and jokes. Occasionally someone would get up to dance and there would be more wisecracks about what an awful dancer she was, but it was all worth it to see her squad having a good time.

She stood up at one point to stretch her legs and get another drink. On her way back, she noticed a group of marines walk in the entrance. _Must be the popular place for leave_ , she thought as she turned back to the table of friends waiting for her.

She couldn’t help but smile a little as she noticed both Kaidan and Garrus watching her. _Maybe Ashley was right….maybe I should just go for it._ There was a slight bounce to her step as she returned to her friends, enjoying the attention of her hero.

And then she heard it – a voice she hadn’t heard in years and had hoped to never hear again.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Lizzie?...Lizzie Shepard?”

Garrus had watched Shepard get up for a new drink. This whole night had been wonderful. He had never seen his commander look so relaxed and happy. It was a refreshing sight. She very rarely looked like she truly put her cares away, even for a few moments, but tonight she had been relaxed and cheerful.

Until now.

As she walked back toward the table, Garrus had noticed the human man leave his pack of friends and plot a straight course across the club to meet Shepard. He caught up to her just as she reached to put her drink down on the table.

For some reason, Garrus felt uneasy about this human. Something about the way he half-walked, half-ran to meet Shepard and the look that had come over his face when he spotted her. No. He didn’t like this man at all.

And then the stranger had called her by a name she’d never mentioned before. Garrus knew Shepard’s first name, and he figured that “Lizzie” was a nickname for Elizabeth, but he’d never heard anyone call her that. He’d never heard her say anything but “Elizabeth” if she mentioned her name and she signed everything as “Elizabeth Shepard.”

But she had answered to this different name. _Well, if you can call dropping her drink on the table and freezing in place “answering”…_

_Who is this man? And if he hurts her….spirits, I will kill him…_

 “I…I’m sorry to bother you, but are you…are you Lizzie Shepard? Lizzie Shepard of the Skyllian Blitz?”

She still didn’t turn around to face this new addition to their party behind her. She looked up in front of her. She met Garrus’ eyes. His heart fluttered slightly. She seemed to need some sort of reassurance, he wasn’t really sure what kind or why. So he simply met her gaze without blinking.

 _I’m here, Shepard,_ he thought. _Got your six._

She turned around. Garrus studied her movements. Her body was stiff and the knuckles on both of her hands were completely white.

“It is you,” the horrible human continued. “It’s been so long. I wasn’t sure I’d ever see you again. I heard about the amazing things you did and saw the vids when you got your medal. And now you a Spectre? I’m sure you dad would have been so proud. I heard about what happened. I’m so sorry. I know you were really close.”

He wouldn’t stop talking. His face, covered in light stubble, was smiling.

Finally, Shepard spoke in a way that Garrus had never heard her speak before.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Thad?”

Her voice was relatively quiet over the music of the club, but menacing. She clenched her fists even harder. Garrus noticed the rest of the team shuffling uncomfortably behind her in their seats, but he just watched. It was taking all his self-control not to tackle this “Thad” and kick him across the club.

She continued, “And what the fuck do you want?”

Thad seemed surprised at her reaction and stammered, “I…I’m just on leave on the Citadel. Came here with a few friends. Saw you from across the room. I could always pick you out of any crowd,” he chuckled. She tightened her fists. He coughed nervously when he noticed she wasn’t laughing. “I didn’t know you would be here. I didn’t even know you were on the Citadel. Crazy to find each other here after all these years, huh?”

For some reason Thad glanced over Shepard’s shoulder at the crew. He paused for a few seconds to take stock of the interesting mix of humans and aliens behind her, supporting her.

 _That’s right, human_ , Garrus thought. _Look carefully. You’re in big trouble if you try anything. We will not be kind to you._

Finally, the stranger turned back to her.

“Look, Lizzie – “

“Don’t you fucking call me that.”

“Well then what should I call you?” Thad was starting to sound frustrated.

“Commander Fucking Shepard. That’s what you call me. I outrank you by a long shot. From what I’ve heard, you never made it past Corporal.” Garrus could tell she was having trouble holding herself back. He finally decided he would not let her suffer through whatever was going on by herself. He stood up slowly, but didn’t move from his place behind her. But he would be at her side in an instant if she needed him.

“Fine then, Commander Shepard,” he was still talking. “Look…could we go talk somewhere? Some place a little more private? It’s been such a long time and we have so much to catch up on.”

Garrus almost burst forward to smash him into the ground. _Calm down, Vakarian_. _She can handle herself. She’s strong, but you’re here if she needs you…_

“No,” she said under her breath.

“Seriously? You’re still upset after all these years?” Garrus thought the human looked truly sad, but he wasn’t very good at reading human expressions. _Except hers…I’m starting to be able to read her face…_ He thought of her bright green eyes and the way her cheeks dimpled slightly when she smiled. His mandibles flared briefly at the image of her face, smiling up at him.

But she wasn’t smiling now.

 _This is why I missed that easy shot. Get back on track,_ he scolded himself for letting his mind wander in this moment when she needed him.

“It’s been so long, Liz – Commander. I never forgot you. Not for a day. Can’t we just talk? For old times sake?”

“No.”

“You’re really going to do this? In front of all these people? You really want to make a scene?”

“It wouldn’t be a scene if you would shut the fuck up and leave.” Her voice was getting louder. Her arms were visibly shaking now. Garrus couldn’t take it anymore. He moved forward to stand next to her – to let this human know that she was not alone.

“I think the Commander asked you to leave.” He used the most intimidating voice he could muster. The human took a step back in surprise. He narrowed his gaze and measured Garrus from head to toe.

 “Who the hell are you?” he said, raising one frustrated eyebrow at Garrus. But then he turned back to Shepard. “Lizzie, just listen to me – “

“Leave,” Garrus’ voice was angrier this time. He took a step forward, almost stepping between Shepard and Thad. “Before this gets ugly, _Corporal_.” It felt good to spit out that last word.

 “Look, this is between the Commander and me. You need to butt out, turian, or I’ll – “

“You’ll what?” Kaidan jumped into the picture at her right. “This is how I see it. The lady asked you to leave. It’s you versus one of the best combat crews in the Alliance. How do you think this will turn out?”

Garrus scoffed inwardly at Kaidan’s use of the term “lady.” _Of course Alenko sees her only as a weak female who can’t defend herself._ But she didn’t need them. She was quite capable of taking care of herself. Garrus knew this, but he had also noticed how her shoulders had straightened and she seemed more like herself as soon as he stepped up beside her. It seemed that perhaps the support of her crew gave her renewed courage to deal with this pest.

Finally, she spoke. Her voice was calmer, more controlled. “Thad. You need to go. You know I don’t need my crew to take care of me. You know what I can do. Now leave.”

Thad didn’t move at first. Garrus couldn’t read his expression very clearly, but he looked truly pained.

“All right. I’ll go. No need to cause an incident. But Liz – Commander – even if you don’t believe me, I’m telling you the truth. I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me….someday….”

Thad tucked his tail between his legs and began to walk away. He turned around one more time. “Lizzie, I will never forget. I’m sure you know where to find me if you ever change your mind.” He looked over Shepard’s crew one more time, lingering on Garrus and Kaidan a little longer than the rest with his green eyes that almost matched Shepard’s distinctive color, and then left the club.

After his shadow had finally left the doorway, Shepard unclenched her fists.

She turned to look up at Garrus. She didn’t have to say a word. He knew what she was thinking.

_Thank you._

He held her gaze for a few seconds. He wanted to reach out and touch her. He wanted her to tell him what was wrong – what was _really_ wrong, who that man was, and what had just happened. He wanted to fix everything for her and return her to that happy, relaxed place she had been just a few moments before.

But he couldn’t do it. Whether it was fear of rejection or fear of what it might mean if she accepted him, he just stood there, looking into those eyes, accepting her gratitude with a look of his own.

_Always at your back, Shepard._

He didn’t reach for her.

It was Kaidan who touched her shoulder and startled her back to life. It was Kaidan who put his arm around her shoulder. It was Kaidan who led her out of the club and back to the ship.

She reacted slowly. She let her Lieutenant lead her. Garrus’ heart ached as he watched her leave, yet again with the Lieutenant, and he chided himself for his cowardice.


	13. A Few More Hours to Wait

The silence was almost unbearable.

Shepard ordered Tali forward to scout out the next room on the MSV Fedele. That broke the silence. The air was suddenly filled with the unearthly groans of Dr. Saleon’s test subjects. Shepard was almost grateful to be under attack because at least the horrible silence of her team was gone.

She barked orders to clear out the few opponents they met. Garrus perched himself behind the wall to her right while Tali and Shepard picked off the subjects at close range.

Shepard felt her adrenaline rising. She loved the fight. There were two things in the universe that made her feel alive. One was music and the other was this. Combat. The feelings of strength and independence and power that she released from her own hands and used to destroy her adversaries.

_Or throw them against walls_. She pictured Thad against the wall and threw one of the test subjects in the same way but much harder. She winced as she heard the body break with the force of impact.

Seeing Thad a few days prior had thrown her for a loop. She still wasn’t sure why. _I haven’t thought about him in years. Why did it get to me so much? I should have just laughed in his face, but I couldn’t….I just couldn’t._

She hated the thought that even after all these years, her first love still had so much power over her. _Maybe that’s it_ , she concluded as a test subject wilted in front of her with a Warp. _My first love. Do you really ever forget your first love?_

The last test subject’s head exploded only a few feet in front of her as Garrus nailed it with a head shot. She smiled at him sideways. _I guess I will never know if there is a third thing…or person…who makes me feel alive._

Garrus nodded at her as he replaced his rifle on his back.

But there was still silence.

Apparently Thad’s appearance had thrown her team for a loop as well. Things had not been quite the same since that night. Shepard thought that if she took her two best friends on this next mission that they might all engage in their usual friendly combat chatter, but no one was talking except Shepard, and that was only to give orders.

It was awkward, but Shepard didn’t know how to change the situation. Even Tali had been quiet since Thad’s embarrassing debut.

She holstered her pistol and sighed quietly. They continued to scout out the freighter. Nothing of note was in most of the rooms or the cockpit. It seemed to be a lost cause.

“Maybe he heard we were coming and jumped ship,” She shrugged her shoulders.

“Maybe,” Garrus replied. “But we haven’t checked the whole freighter yet. There’s that room we passed in the corridor.”

“Oh yeah,” Shepard remembered. “Let’s check it out.”

They made their way back to the last unchecked room and there he was – this Dr. Saleon that Garrus had asked her to track down.

She had to admit that she didn’t expect the sharpness of Garrus’ reaction to the salarian.

“There’s no excuse this time, doctor. I’d harvest your organs first, but we don’t have the time.”

A quick glance to her right revealed Garrus staring down the salarian with a look of absolute hatred and disgust…and maybe a little triumph?

She hated to admit that she agreed with the doctor a little when he said Garrus was crazy. Well, not that she _agreed_ really, but that Garrus at least _sounded_ crazy.

_How deep does your need for vengeance go, Garrus?_ she thought. _What would you do if I told you that the human you let go the other night was the one who put me in that bar all those years ago? The one that left me feeling so empty I found myself trapped by Josiah and his flunkeys? Would you seek vengeance on him too?_

In a way, the thought almost made her smile. The idea of Garrus chasing down her old boyfriend and giving him a beating was somehow pleasing, but she knew that would never happen – _should_ never happen.

She understood Garrus’ feelings. After all, she was on an epic mission of vengeance too, wasn’t she? Chasing after Saren because he killed her lover? _Well, obviously not just because of Nihlus_ , she reminded herself, _but it sure is part of it._

However, vengeance was not a good motivating factor. She knew this. Her father would not approve. So she made a choice. _You may hate me for this, Garrus, but we’re not going down that path._

“We’ll take him in. Drop him off with the military.” She caught both Garrus and Tali giving her confused looks, Garrus’ bordering on astonished.

“But we have him,” the turian’s subharmonics were so hard to resist. “We can’t let him get away. Not again.” But she stood firm in her resolve. _I’m sorry, Garrus_ , she silently pleaded. _I won’t let it go that way._ She had offered every other unfortunate soul along their journey mercy so far. This doctor was no different, even if he was the source of Garrus’ revenge.

She heard some poor excuses and explanations come out of her mouth in reply. She only half-believed them herself, but they seemed to do the trick. Garrus didn’t fight her, but he did give the salarian a piece of his mind.

“You owe the Commander your life,” her turian officer explained, clearly showing the doctor that if it were up to him, this conversation would not have happened.

Unfortunately, Dr. Saleon was not as grateful as she had hoped.

The fight was brief. Just long enough for Shepard to fire one head shot with her pistol.

She twitched her mouth to the side. _Damn it._

Garrus didn’t miss a beat. “And so he dies anyway. What was the point of that?” He was visibly frustrated.

Shepard had to think about that for a moment. She had made the decision to defy Garrus’ wishes because she thought her father would disapprove. _Why was that?_

_They were visiting her Grandmother in Chicago. Daddy had taken her shopping downtown and out for ice cream afterwards. She had a little money left to spend – enough to buy her a new model ship. That was what she wanted – something she and her daddy could put together._

_But just down the street from the toy shop was a man begging on the corner. He had a sign asking for money. As they walked past, Lizzie Shepard’s eyes were wide. The man smelled horrible. She wasn’t sure when he had bathed last. He had no shoes and his clothes were full of holes. When they were far enough past him to be out of earshot, she said, “Daddy, should we give that man some money?”_

_A grown up lady heard her ask the question and jumped into the conversation to respond. “Honey, don’t waste your money on trash like that. He’s just going to buy some red sand with it anyway.”_

_She looked up at Daddy after the woman walked away. “What’s red sand, Daddy?”_

_He was looking behind them at the man and then looked down at her with sad eyes. “Well, Lizzie, it’s something that people use to make themselves feel different. But it’s not very good for you.”_

_“So…” she began, “I shouldn’t give him any money?” She looked back at the man._

_“No, probably not,” Daddy said. “But I’ll tell you what we can do. Did you notice anything else that the man needed?”_

_“Shoes!” she said, without hesitation. Daddy smiled at her._

_“Yep, that’s right. How about we get the man some shoes instead of giving him the money?”_

_Lizzie nodded her head, vigorously. Daddy swooped her up in his arms and they headed across the street to a department store where they found a pair of shoes that Daddy said looked about the right size. She forgot all about the model ship she wanted. She had five of those already. She could wait a little longer for one more._

_Lizzie was so excited to give the man the new shoes that she almost left Daddy behind as she pushed open the doors. She ran back to the man and held the shoes out to him with a huge smile on her face. The man just looked up at her, bewildered._

_“Hello, sir. I got you these shoes. It looked like you needed them. At least more than I needed a new model ship.”_

_She couldn’t read the look on the man’s face, but he took the shoes from her and nodded his head. Daddy appeared behind her quickly and picked her up again. “Let’s go, sweetheart,” he whispered in her ear._

_But as they walked away, Lizzie watched the man. He got up from his seat on the corner as soon as she was a dozen yards away and headed to the edge of the alley._

_“Wait, Daddy. Stop! What’s the man doing?” Daddy stopped so they could both watch. The man was talking to another man that she hadn’t noticed in the alley before. He passed the shoes off to the strange man who handed him something she couldn’t see in return. The man smiled then and returned to his perch on the corner – without the new shoes._

_Lizzie’s lip trembled._

_“He didn’t like the shoes, Daddy?” She didn’t understand what had happened. “If he didn’t like them, he could have given them back to me. Let’s go back and ask him for them.” If the man didn’t like her gift, then she could get the shoes and her credits and get that model ship after all._

_Daddy’s face looked sad again._

_“I don’t think we can get the shoes back now, Lizzie Baby,” he said._

_“Why not?” she asked. Daddy paused and looked at her. Then he said something she would never forget._

She found herself channeling her father and repeating the lesson he taught her so long ago – the reason she showed so many people mercy, even when they didn’t deserve it.

“You can’t predict how people will act, Garrus. But you can control how you’ll respond. In the end, that’s what really matters.”

She saw something change in Garrus’ face. An expression she hadn’t seen in days. The awkwardness and the silence between them was broken. His face softened slightly as he agreed with her and then he said something that made her look down so he couldn’t see the color rise in her cheeks.

“I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you, Commander.”

She knew he didn’t mean it in the way she hoped he did, but it was something. He didn’t hate her or pity her. The Night of Thad hadn’t changed his opinion of her. He was still Garrus, her favorite turian – her favorite anyone – and her best friend.

_I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you either, Garrus._ She wanted to tell him, but she didn’t have time as he cut her off with “Well…I guess we’re done here.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Spirits, Tali! You can’t sneak up on a turian like that.”

Garrus rubbed his forehead where he had slammed it into the bottom of the Mako. Tali had crept up quietly while he was lying underneath it, fixing yet another one of Shepard’s tell-tale marks on the poor, abused vehicle. He had been so focused he had not heard Tali’s soft steps as she approached from engineering and crouched down next to him.

“Sorry, Garrus. I wasn’t trying to be sneaky.” Garrus pulled himself out from under the Mako and looked up at Tali standing above him with one hand on her hip. She looked like she was smiling under her faceplate.

“Yeah, well, you were. Sneaky, that is,” he retorted, but silently chided himself for being so preoccupied. The truth was that he wasn’t just focused on repairing the Mako – he was thinking about Shepard. He had been deeply troubled over the events at the bar with that Thad person, but she hadn’t talked to him about it. That worried him even more. It was odd that Shepard hadn’t sought out his counsel or asked for his advice or hell, even told him what that was all about. But she hadn’t and he wouldn’t push her.

And then there had been the incident with Dr. Saleon. Even though he had seen Shepard offer compassion and mercy to others who had done wrong on their trek, for some reason he had assumed she would let him deal with the doctor _his_ way.

But she hadn’t. And somehow, that was all right. Whenever he thought about what had transpired on the MSV Fedele, he remembered Alenko’s words the night Shepard had disclosed her relationship with Nihlus.

_“She makes you want to be better than yourself – something more than what you are.”_

And she did. Every time he watched her in combat and especially when he saw her out of combat, she made him want to be better than what he was before. Someone strong, yet still able to find something good, even with all the evil around them.

“Hello?...” Tali was waving her hand in front of his face. “You there, Garrus? I lost you…”

He shook his head and pulled himself up on his feet, slightly embarrassed to be daydreaming in front of his friend.

“Sorry, Tali. Just a little distracted at the moment.”

“I’ll say. Maybe I should dress myself up as a rifle to get you to pay attention to me for a few minutes.”

He laughed. “Do you need any new mods?”

“Hmmm….I could think of a few mods I could use, actually,” she said in a low voice.

_Wait a minute,_ Garrus Vakarian paused with his hand in the air as he reached to put away his tools. _Is Tali flirting with me? Can’t say I’m not flattered, but…_

His thoughts were interrupted by Tali’s voice again. “But no, Garrus, that’s not why I came out here.” She pulled herself up on a crate next to him and swung her legs back and forth, kicking the crate while she continued. “I came out to talk to you because I’ve been worried about you.”

“Worried? About me?” he asked.

“Yes. Worried about you.”

“Why do you say that?” He finished putting away his tools, crossed his arms and leaned against the Mako to raise one eyebrow plate at her.

“Because of Shepard.” Garrus’s mandibles twitched at the mention of her name. _What is she hinting at here? Flirting with me and now asking about Shepard? Why doesn’t all that damn C-Sec Investigation training help me with reading women?..._

Tali continued, “And that is exactly why I’m worried. That reaction right there.”

Garrus played dumb. “What reaction?”

“Oh you bosh’tet! The one where you go completely silent and avoid the issue. _That_ reaction! Stop acting innocent. I know all about you two.”

_Know all about us? Maybe she knows something I don’t know, because there sure doesn’t seem to be an “_ us two” _? Kaidan has himself draped all over Shepard most of the time, especially since that night at the bar…_

Since he remained silent, Tali continued. “Look, Garrus. I’m not blind. Maybe Kaidan hasn’t picked up on it, but it’s obvious to me. I guess I just have one question to ask you. Why the hell didn’t you go after her when that Thad person got her so upset?”

Garrus nearly fell over, but he held himself together and let Tali finish.

“Why did you let Kaidan take her back to the ship? I know you’re crazy about her.”

Garrus still kept quiet, trying to compose his thoughts. Finally, he decided to try to play it off as a joke, “I’m that obvious, huh? That could be embarrassing. I guess it’s a wonder Shepard hasn’t kicked me off the crew already then. I think humans have something against fraternization on their ships…”

He was agitated now, so he turned back to his tools and pretended to arrange them. He had to do something with his hands.

“Keelah! You really are a bosh’tet!” Tali punched him on the shoulder. He feigned hurt as he held the spot where she had punched him and pouted at her. “I’m your friend, and I go out on almost every mission with you two. I see the way you look at her, the way you protect her. I know how much you care about her.” Tali stopped, and if he could have seen through the faceplate, he would say she looked a little sad. “And I see _her_ too. She cares about you just as much – I know it! And if you don’t see that, then you really are a…a...” she paused, looking for the right word, and then finally settled on “bosh’tet!”

He clutched his stomach and laughed out loud. Tali’s insults were always the same and it was funny to see her riled up. Even though the topic of conversation was awkward, he was grateful for Tali’s ability to make him laugh.

But then he thought more about what she had just told him.

“I don’t know if I believe you, Tali. Even if you’re right and I do…” he paused before saying the next words. He had never said these words out loud to anyone, “care…for her, I’m not sure I agree that she cares for me. At least not like that. I’m her friend. Her advisor. Nothing more.” He dropped the tools he was fiddling with and crossed his arms again, looking down at the floor. “Besides, Alenko’s all over her. I’ve given her plenty of opportunities to show me that she would prefer me over him – that she would even consider me as an option –“

He stopped. He had gone too far. Now there was no way he could play off Tali’s words as meaningless or silly. He had just admitted his feelings for his Commander to another living creature.

He turned to face Tali. She had that sad look emanating from under her faceplate again.

Quietly, he said, “What’s all this really about, Tali?”

She didn’t hesitate. “I had to know for sure, Garrus. I won’t lie to you – and this takes a lot of courage for me to say, but I think I need to say it –“ She took a deep breath and looked away for a few seconds before returning to face him.

“I’ve come to care for you very deeply since joining this team. I admire you in so many ways…” She smiled and met his gaze. “But I also consider Shepard to be one of my dearest friends. She saved my life and made me feel more at home on the _Normandy_ than I have felt anywhere else on my pilgrimage.”

She started swinging her legs distractedly and kicking the crate again. Garrus found himself slightly overwhelmed. _How could I have missed this?_

“And now I know, without a doubt, how much you care for her. I care about you both, for different reasons. The fact is, I noticed Shepard’s feelings for you a long time ago and you were too confused to notice. I want both of you, both of my dear friends, to be entirely happy. So I still want you to answer my question. Why didn’t you go after her that night?”

He was dumbfounded. Tali had feelings for him this whole time and he had been too blind and stupid to notice. Not that it would have made a difference, really. He admired and respected Tali very much, but he was completely enamored with his human Commander.

“Fear,” he finally said. “I was afraid.”

“Afraid of what?” she asked.

“Afraid of rejection. Or afraid of what it could mean if she didn’t reject me. I don’t know,” he leaned against the Mako. “Are you sure you want to talk about this, Tali?”

“Yes,” Tali said quickly. “I realized that you were a one-human turian a long time ago, Garrus Vakarian. And I’m pretty sure our Commander is a one-turian human, but if you don’t step up and do something about it, she’s going to head off into the galaxy with a certain Lieutenant at her side instead of you.”

She jumped off the crate and put her hand on his shoulder.

“And honestly, that’s not something that either of us want. You deserve to be happy, Garrus. And so does she. Trust me when I say that she cares for you – as more than her advisor and friend.” She released him then and started to head back towards engineering.

“And Garrus,” she turned over her shoulder when she was only a few steps away. He looked her square in the face. “Don’t wait too long. I have a feeling that Alenko will close the gap if you don’t act soon. Don’t lose her. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

And then she was gone.

Garrus turned back to his tools and gripped his worktable with both hands. He didn’t know what to do with Tali’s advice. He didn’t want to ruin his friendship with the Commander, or worse get kicked off the mission, for gushing over her with feelings that he didn’t understand yet himself. But he wasn’t sure how much longer he could watch Alenko drool all over her and keep his sanity.

No. It was time to act. He released the worktable and turned to the elevator. He needed to tell her before it was too late.

His omni-tool pinged. He pulled up the new message. It was from Shepard.

“Suit up. Landing on Virmire in 30.”

_Dammit_. He thought. _Oh well, what’s a few more hours to wait?_


	14. He Knew Her Too Well

The request had seemed reasonable at first, but the more she thought about it, the more her stomach churned.

This mission was definitely not what she had expected. “Investigate the salarian reconnaissance team,” they said. “Information about Saren,” they said. But what the Council didn’t say was, “Hey, we might have misunderstood the transmission and sent you on a suicide mission.”

_Just a normal day at the office_ , she thought with a smirk. She looked down and scuffed her feet into the sand and pebbles just underneath the water. The waves rippled in the opposite direction at her disturbance.

Captain Kirrahe seemed like a good leader, and without much time to think, she couldn’t come up with a better plan. But she absolutely hated the idea of sending Ashley with the salarians.

Elizabeth Shepard didn’t really believe in luck. She didn’t believe in Ashley’s god either. Really, she didn’t believe in any god. Whenever she was really in a panic, she offered up prayers to every known god or goddess she could think of, just in case she was wrong. But right now, in this moment, she knew something was off, luck or gods be damned.

She had made the decision to send Ashley, because Kaidan seemed better suited to arm the nuke. But as they waited, she began to question her decision. _I can still change my mind_ , she thought. _Kirrahe’s still making preparations, but do I want to send Kaidan with the salarians either?_

She hated both options. Neither one was really an “option.” But what else could she do?

She picked up one of the smooth pebbles that had caught her attention and tried to skip it across the water’s surface. _Plunk, PLUNK_. One skip.

She tried another. _Plunk, PLUNK_. One skip again.

“Damn,” she muttered under her breath.

_Plunk, Plunk, Plunk, PLUNK._

She spun to her right. _Garrus. Of course_ , she thought. _Who else would have to show me up?_ But she smiled at him anyway. His mandibles spread in a turian grin and he walked closer to her.

“Maybe humans and turians aren’t so different after all,” he said as he reached her side. “I used to do this same thing as a child. But one of us is clearly better than the other.” He gave her an expression that she had learned to call a smirk as he looked down at her.

“Oh yeah?” she said. She picked up another pebble. _Plunk, PLUNK_.

“All right,” she sighed. “You win.” Her shoulders sagged slightly and Garrus’ expression changed to concern.

“Everything all right, Commander? It’s not like you to admit defeat.”

She snorted. He knew her too well. She glanced back over her left shoulder. Kaidan and Ashley were talking quietly at the end of the shore. Tali was still off in a tent by herself. Wrex was using the strange water creatures for target practice.

“Actually, Garrus, you are just the person I wanted to talk to,” she smiled up at him, as soon as she was reassured that the rest of the team was out of earshot. “I could use your advice. I’m not sure if I just made the right decision.” Her favorite turian nodded at her to continue. She briefly explained the situation and Kirrahe’s plan, including her decision to send Ashley with the salarian teams. Garrus didn’t take his eyes off her.

She felt entirely comfortable while he listened to her, even with those piercing blue eyes watching her, unblinkingly. _This is more like it was in the beginning. Why did I let any of my fears get in the way of me talking to him like this?_ She had to reign her thoughts back in as she thought about how he perfectly complemented her. He listened. He advised. But he didn’t judge. And she always felt at ease while he was around, let alone how she felt when he looked at her with those eyes…

_Don’t look for happiness in a dream_ , her mother’s voice said. Her mother – always permeating her thoughts at the worst moment. _Take happiness where you can find it. Don’t waste time on the delusions of what will never be._

_Not now_ , she staved off her mother’s disapproval and focused on the task at hand.

Finally, she finished explaining her dilemma. Garrus was silent for a few moments. Eventually, he said firmly, “I think you made the right choice, Commander. I would have done the same thing.”

She didn’t respond. She waited for him to explain as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Now she was the one staring at him while he clarified.

“Ashley is a soldier. A true warrior. If anyone can withstand that type of assault – other than you, of course –” _Don’t blush, idiot_ , she chided silently, “it’s her. And Kaidan is well-equipped to handle the nuke. He’s quick-thinking under pressure and knows his way around tech.”

Garrus paused and stared at her square in the face, reassuring her.

“This is the best choice.”

She still hated it. The thought of sending Ashley off alone and without her normal team worried her. But Garrus was right, and her instincts were right. If anyone could handle this assignment, it was Ashley.

“Thanks, Garrus,” was all she could manage to say. She flipped her head around at the sound of Kirrahe’s voice. He was gathering his men together.

“Looks like a speech,” she flashed a smile back at Garrus. “Better not miss the excitement.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

He had watched her with concern as she spoke with the Captain. He continued to watch from a distance as she calmed Wrex. And he pretended not to watch while she conferred with the Captain again about the next step. In actuality, he had heard every word, purposely standing downwind so the air carried the tones in range of his hearing, but he didn’t tell her that. _If she wants to tell me what is going on, she will_ , he told himself.

And she did. His chest nearly burst with relief as she confided in him about the plan and her concerns. It had been a long time since she had discussed mission objectives and plans with him. Their routine never quite got back to normal after the sparring match in the cargo hold. Oh, she talked to him and she joked with him, but for some reason, she kept the stress of her assignments to herself more than she used to.

He didn’t like this plan, but he didn’t see an alternative either. And Ashley truly was the right choice for the job.

He had waited for her to be alone after she made her decision. He couldn’t help but admire her form as she stood by the water, skipping rocks. If he didn’t know any better, he would say she didn’t have a care in the world. But he knew her too well. To anyone else, she might look carefree for a moment, but he knew how to tell she was troubled.

_What would it be like to be near her on a day when she didn’t have so much pressure? A day she could truly relax….If that ever happens, I want to be there…_

Finally, he had decided to try and talk to her. This was not the appropriate time to tell her what Tali suggested he say only a few short hours before. But he could be there for her in other ways at this moment. As always, he would be here for his Commander…if she needed him.

He listened, feigning ignorance of the plan and her quandary. He took advantage of the opportunity to study her face as she talked, to watch her expression as she communicated her worries. And he meant what he told her in response. If anyone could handle the assignment, it was Ashley.

Kirrahe delivered his speech and before Garrus knew it, they were off.

He could tell from the way Shepard moved that she was worried. She moved a little more stiffly than usual. She took every chance she could to disrupt the geth and the krogan. She seemed rushed. Her orders were a little sharper than usual.

After leaving Kaidan at the bomb site, Shepard picked up the pace. She ran a little faster and her shoulders sagged a little less.

_We’ll get to them in time, Commander. Don’t worry. Ashley can hold the line_.

But he was wrong. It all fell apart.

Garrus was so mad at Kaidan, he wanted to run back and shoot the Lieutenant himself for putting Shepard in this position. But he held his tongue and listened as she spoke to both Kaidan and Ashley over the Comm, trying to make the second difficult choice of the day.

“Alenko, what are you doing!?”

“I’m just making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what.”

Garrus watched Shepard’s hands clench as Kaidan continued.

“It’s done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here!”

“Screw that!” Ashley was on the comm now. “We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko.”

Shepard was quiet. Too quiet.

Garrus found himself restless as he waited for her to make a decision. Part of him wanted her to rescue Ashley, just to get rid of pesky Alenko and his antics. He couldn’t believe the audacity of the Lieutenant’s move – activating the bomb without orders? Who did he think he was?

But he held himself back. Shepard knew what was at stake. She knew they didn’t have much time. And he trusted her to make the right decision – a decision not ruled by emotion, but by logic.

But she still didn’t say anything.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Ashley came back on the comm..

“Commander. You need to protect that bomb. And you need to get the LT. Don’t worry about me. I’m not afraid.”

Shepard still didn’t say anything, but she leaned against the railing as if she couldn’t hold herself up on her own.

“Commander?” Ashley’s voice was waiting for the response.

“Chief,” Shepard looked up and replied. “What was that poem you told me?”

Silence for a moment on the comm.. Finally Ashley’s voice came back on. Gunfire interrupted her, but she acquiesced to the request.

“Shakespeare, Commander.”

“Thought so.”

“’Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore, so do our minutes hasten to their end.’” The sound of Ashley’s voice was still peppered with the sound of gunfire, adding accents to the rhythm of the couplet.

Shepard turned suddenly to face him. Garrus almost jumped back in surprise. He did not expect her to look at him in that moment. Especially not with that look on her face – whatever it meant. But there she was. Looking right at him with a look that pierced his very soul.

“And yet to times in hope, my verse shall stand, praising thy worth, despite his cruel hand.” Shepard finished the foreign verse as she continued to look him in the eye.

“Didn’t know you knew that one, Commander.” The gunfire was louder and stronger each time Ashley came back on the comm.

“I didn’t, Chief. I looked it up because of you.”

“Well, don’t forget it, Commander. And don’t forget my advice, either.”

A pause. _What advice?,_ Garrus wondered.

Then, “It’s been an honor, Commander.”

Finally, Shepard turned back around and leaned against the railing again. She looked like she might fall over but for the railing's support.

“Alenko. Radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site.”

“Yes, Commander. I..I…” Alenko stuttered.

“You know it’s the right choice, LT.” Ashley’s voice was firm and strong. _What a loss_ , Garrus thought. _We may have had our differences, but Ashley is a good soldier…a great soldier – one of the best._ He silently cursed Alenko again.

“I’m sorry, Ash.” It was perhaps the softest he had ever heard Shepard speak. Not in volume, but in feeling. He could see her struggling for words, and for a moment, he saw a vision of the blonde human from so long ago - standing almost naked in the night, looking up at him with those big green eyes. He shook his head to remind himself this human was different. This woman was strong.

But he hated the feeling of powerlessness in this moment. He could do absolutely nothing to help her with this.

“I had to make a choice,” Shepard concluded.

“I understand, Commander. I don’t regret a thing.”


	15. Come Clean

Empty. Empty and numb. What had she done?

_What_ have _you done, Elizabeth?_ Her mother’s voice. Her mother’s thoughts. Her mother’s disapproval. She had been unable to rid her mind of her mother’s influence since the disaster on Virmire.

Her mother never approved of anything she did after her father died. She had turned cold and distant from her daughter – from everyone – after Adam Shepard was gone. Elizabeth Shepard was a grown woman when it happened, but she still felt the distance – and the disapproval – even light years away.

_But who cares about your mommy issues_? Shepard was ashamed for even thinking about her own family problems right now. _Ashley is dead. And it’s your fault._

She had lied to Kaidan. She had told him it wasn’t his fault or her own fault that Ashley was dead. She actually meant it about Kaidan.

After Shepard analyzed the situation later, she realized that he made the right choice in the moment. That bomb _had_ to go off. No matter what. She couldn’t blame him for that.

But she did blame herself. She blamed herself for being unable to come up with a better plan. For sending Ash off on that suicide mission with the salarians. For not taking her place.

And it was easier to feel empty than to feel real, true pain.

Sitting cross-legged on the crate next to Ashley’s station, she examined the weapons lined up perfectly in rows. Today was the first day she had left her cabin for something other than food since Virmire. She always looked put together when she ventured outside of her protective bubble of a cabin. She couldn’t let her crew see what a mess she was on the inside, so she hadn’t dared leave unless she felt she could keep it together.

But today, staring at the place where Ashley had tirelessly worked every day of the mission somehow brought her comfort. She counted the weapons and mods lined up perfectly –  over and over – using the numbers to shut out all other feeling. Focusing on something so simple cleared her head and induced the numbness she craved.

_Ashley took such good care of these_. She reached for a pistol and flipped it over in her hand. _Perfectly clean_ , she thought. _I would have expected nothing less._

Her legs were sore from sitting cross-legged for so long. She didn’t even care what Wrex and Garrus must think of her, just sitting there for hours, not saying a word. She had nowhere else she wanted to be but here, mourning her friend. But finally her legs were _too_ sore. She jumped off the crate and decided to clean the perfectly clean barrel of the pistol in her hand. Just because she could.

She finished the first pistol and moved on to the next, and the next. She moved on to the assortment of rifles next. Carefully checking the mods on each and cleaning them as carefully as she thought Ashley would have. She heard Wrex and Garrus and others occasionally go up or come out of the elevator, but she didn’t turn around. At one point, she thought she heard someone approach her from behind, but she didn’t look. She didn’t care. Eventually she heard whoever it was walk away.

She knew that night cycle was approaching. The cargo bay gradually became darker and emptier as people retired to their beds. But she kept cleaning.

She finished the last weapon and admired her work. _For you, Ash_ , she thought, _and one more thing._ She reached in her pocket for the gift she had brought for Ashley’s station. A small piece of paper with a handwritten note. She smiled at the writing as she remembered the conversation where she had first heard the words.

She carefully poked a hole through the top of the paper and strung it through with a dog tag chain she had brought down to the cargo hold. She clasped the chain around the lamp and let the chain hang from the top of the lamp. Smiling at her handiwork, she thought of Ashley and her last moments on the comm.

_Ash wouldn’t want the mission to suffer because I’m feeling sorry for myself. Time to pull myself out of this._

She rolled her shoulders back and moved toward the elevator. She was surprised to see Garrus still up at this hour, tirelessly fixing up the Mako. She thought about going to talk to him, but even now, her mother’s voice crept up on her. _Elizabeth, focus. He’s not for you. You have a mission to complete. A rogue spectre to track down. A dead friend to avenge. This distraction will only hurt you and other people that trust you. Forget the turian._

Sighing dejectedly, she turned for another look at Ashley’s station and thought, _Saren should have thought twice before fucking with Commander Elizabeth Shepard. All he succeeded in doing was giving me another reason to chase him across the damn galaxy and shoot him in the head._

That was the first semi-positive thought she’d had since Ashley sacrificed her life for the mission. Surprisingly, she had her mother’s disapproving voice in her head to thank for it.

Shepard could focus on the mission. She could channel her anger and her pain into revenge against Saren. Revenge for Jenkins. Revenge for Nihlus. And now, revenge for Ashley.

Garrus came out from under the Mako and looked like he was going to say something. Shepard stopped him by nodding at him and heading for the elevator. _That’s it_ , Hannah Shepard coaxed. _Less distraction. He’s not for you. Stop pretending a turian would love you._

But she couldn’t help noticing that her hero was watching her as the elevator door closed.

***************************

The ship was quiet. It was even later than Shepard thought. Just past midnight and she wasn’t tired. She headed for the mess to make a cup of hot chocolate. Her dad had always made her hot chocolate when she had trouble getting to sleep.

The mess was empty, for which she was grateful. She heated up the water and found a package at the back of a cupboard. _Last one_ , she thought glumly. _Good thing we’re headed to the Citadel. Can’t go on a crazy mission across the galaxy after a traitor without hot chocolate._

Finally, she took her mug and headed for her cabin. She almost spilled the hot liquid all over herself when she heard a voice behind her.

“Shepard? Do you have a minute?” Shepard had not heard Liara creep up behind her. She didn’t really want to talk to anyone at the moment. She had even left Garrus alone in the cargo hold. While she felt better after her private memorial for Ashley, she still wanted to be alone for the evening. They were arriving at the Citadel in the morning and she would have to be her usual self to conduct business, but for tonight, she thought she could still hide in her cabin.

But no, her open door policy was biting her in the ass.

“Sure, Liara. Why don’t you come on in.” Liara nodded and followed.

Shepard pulled a chair over to her desk and motioned for Liara to sit. Sitting down opposite her asari crewmember, she said, “What’s on your mind?”

“I have been keeping something from you, Commander,” Shepard raised her eyebrows at Liara over her mug, but motioned for her to continue. _Oh this should be interesting_ , she thought. “I know this might be bad timing, but with everything that happened on the last mission and how quickly our mission seems to be progressing – I mean, by finding the Thorian and the Cipher and speaking with Sovereign on Virmire – I felt I needed to tell you everything.”

Shepard was concerned now. What deep, dark secret could Liara have kept from her all this time?

“You see,” Liara continued, “I have some more information that I gleaned from the visions we have shared. More than I have let on.”

Liara was clearly agitated. She abruptly stood up from her chair and began pacing from the desk to the bed and back again. Now Shepard was really worried. _What is going on_?

“Whatever it is, Liara, I need to know,” Shepard tried to sound calm, reassuring. She wasn’t sure if it worked or not, but she didn’t give up. “If there is more about the Protheans or about the Reapers but you didn’t want to say it in front of the crew, then I completely understand. But please trust me, and tell me whatever it is.”

“Oh, it’s nothing like that, Shepard,” Liara was wringing her hands slightly. “It’s not really what I gleaned from the visions themselves. It’s more what I saw _around_ the visions that I need to explain.”

“I have to admit, Liara, I’m really confused.”

“Of course you are. I mean, I’m sorry. I know it is hard to understand, but it’s also hard for me to explain.”

Liara stopped pacing and returned to her seat. She leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and stared at her hands in front of her.

“You see, for whatever reason, I am not as good at mind melding as many of my race.” That was not a surprise for Shepard. That would definitely explain why Liara was always so worn out after joining minds. Liara’s fatigue after melding had been the reason she had missed Lynn’s birthday party and the reason Shepard often left Liara on board even if there was a particular mission she thought Liara was suited for. Shepard thought maybe the exhaustion was just because the visions were so powerful, but knowing that Liara struggled with the melding ability made a lot of sense.

“Because I sometimes have trouble melding properly, sometimes I am unable to focus in the proper way. If I join minds with someone not of my race, someone also not skilled in melding, then I sometimes catch….glimpses….of their memories. Perhaps pieces I am not intended to see or know.”

Now Shepard was a little more than concerned. Now she had an idea what Liara was saying. Liara had seen some of Shepard’s memories she wasn’t supposed to see. _But which ones? This could be very awkward…_

“Usually, if that happens, it’s because the person I join minds with has….very strong emotions about something. And Commander,” Liara finally looked up at Shepard, “I’m afraid that happened when I joined minds with you.”

“So….” Shepard began. She didn’t quite know how to handle this situation. “What have you seen? It can’t be that bad. My life’s not terribly interesting and most of it is an open book since the Blitz anyway.”

Liara didn’t speak. She seemed frightened, but Shepard had to know what Liara had seen, so she tried to convince her to speak.

“Liara, whatever it is, I won’t be mad at you. I don’t really have anything to hide, especially not from you. You are my crewmate and my friend. So whatever it is, just tell me.” She put down her mug and sat forward to show Liara that she meant what she said. “Please.”

Liara sighed and leaned back in her chair.

“Everything I have seen has to do with Garrus.”

_So that’s it._ Shepard thought. _No wonder she stopped checking me out a long time ago. She knows where my feelings really lie._

Liara continued, “You have very strong feelings associated with memories of him. That is why they sometimes pervade the visions. And I was surprised to find out that they are not new. I’m afraid I have seen bits and pieces of a memory from what I would guess is a long time ago. Your mind….seemed much younger in those fragments.”

Shepard sighed. It was her turn to stare at her hands now. She wasn’t sure what to say. Thankfully, Liara seemed to have gained a little confidence from Shepard’s calm reaction, so she continued.

“I don’t really understand all of what I have seen, but I did want you to know that I have seen enough to know of your….feelings….for Garrus. I felt that you should know.”

Shepard was still quiet. She was unsure how to proceed. But she knew she had to say something. She crossed one leg over the other and leaned on it with her opposite elbow.

Meeting Liara’s gaze, she said, “So, do you want to know the rest of the story?” She smiled at her asari friend. There was no reason to keep it a secret from her. The best she could do now was come clean and tell her everything. Liara had kept her secret for this long. There was no reason to think she would blab everything now. Besides, maybe by showing Liara that she had confidence in her would seal the deal.

“Commander, that’s not necessary. These are your private thoughts and memories. I really did not mean to intrude upon them. I did not come here to make you feel you needed to tell me – “

Shepard waved Liara silent with her hand. “Really, Liara, it’s not that big a deal at this point. You already have enough knowledge that you could do some damage, but you haven’t yet. You don’t plan on telling Garrus, do you?” Liara shook her head. “Then how would it hurt you to know the rest? Besides, it might be nice to have someone to talk to about it occasionally.”

Shepard paused and thought of the memorial she had held all day in the cargo hold. “You know what? Ashley knew. Somehow she figured out some of it on her own. And now she’s gone. I think I’d like you to know.”

So Liara stayed and Shepard told her things she thought she would never tell another soul. She told her about Thad and Josiah and her dad and the Blitz. She spoke of her mother and Nihlus.

She spoke with her friend about love and loss and Garrus. And Liara listened until the day cycle started.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_I cannot rest from travel: I will drink_

_Life to the lees: All times I have enjoy'd_

_Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those_

_That loved me, and alone,_

_Much have I seen and known; cities of men_

_And manners, climates, councils, governments,_

_Myself not least, but honour'd of them all_

 

                        _In memory of Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams_

_Honored of us all_

 

Garrus didn’t know that Shepard like poetry. He didn’t know anything about human poetry, but the words seemed to fit Ashley.

He had been a little miffed that Shepard had brushed him off after spending the whole day in the cargo hold without speaking to anyone. But he understood. She had just lost a friend. They all had. And she was dealing with it as best she could.

He had even gone over to try to speak with her once, but she hadn’t even turned around. So he left her alone.

After she disappeared up the elevator, he had made his way over to Ashley’s station to see what Shepard had left hanging from the lamp over Ashley’s desk. Flipping the lamp on, he read the verses.

“So did you talk to her?”

Tali’s voice made him jump. He must have been very distracted to not hear her emerge from engineering.

“No,” he replied.

“Well, why not?” she asked.

“It’s not the right time. Besides, she’s not talking to anybody right now.”

“I bet she would talk to you if you tried, you bosh’tet,” she teased.

“Actually, I will have you know that I did try, but she wouldn’t even turn around,” he looked back at the memorial note left hanging over Ashley’s desk. “It’s a tough time for all of us.”

Tali took a few steps over to read the note.

“Interesting words,” she finally said. “Did Shepard put these here?” Garrus nodded his head. “Hmmm,” Tali continued. “I wonder why she picked them?”

Garrus shrugged his shoulders and headed back to his station. Since Shepard was gone, he planned on heading to bed. He found he was surprisingly exhausted after keeping an eye on his favorite human all day.

“You should go after her.”

Garrus spun around and laughed at Tali.

“Tali, you’re just not giving up on this, are you?” He grinned at her.

“No, I’m not. You two are perfect for each other, but for some reason, neither of you see it.”

“Well, maybe after the pain of Ashley’s death has subsided, I will try again.”

“I bet she could use some comfort. You should go comfort her. Women love that.”

“Tali….” He sighed. “It’s just not the right time.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” She sounded slightly frustrated with him now. “There will never be a _right_ time. And a time like this might actually be the _perfect_ time. Women love sensitive men who rescue them when they are sad.”

Garrus snorted and started putting away his tools.

“Shepard’s not the type of woman who needs to be rescued.”

“Keelah, Garrus. You know nothing about women.” Tali resumed her usual perch on the crate next to him as he straightened up his workstation. “Women like me, like Ashley, like Shepard…we don’t _need_ to be rescued. That doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate the effort.”

She paused and looked over at Ashley’s station.

“And when something like this happens – when you lose a friend – a woman like Shepard takes care of everyone else, but who takes care of her?”

Garrus finished putting his tools away and crossed his arms to look at Tali.

“I don’t know, Tali. It just doesn’t feel right. I don’t think I can tell her how I feel at a time like this. She’s got too much on her mind. It’s just not….appropriate.”

Tali jumped off the crate and shrugged her shoulders.

“Suit yourself, Garrus. Just remember I told you so when Alenko steps in to take your place.”

And she left him there. Alone.

He stared across the cargo hold at Ashley’s station again.

_No_ , he thought. _Tali’s wrong about this. If I’m going to move forward with these feelings, it will be at the right time._

He headed for the elevator and watched Ashley’s station disappear as the door closed. 


	16. Alone

“Sorry to interrupt, Commander, but we’re approaching the Citadel.”

Joker’s voice startled Shepard. She couldn’t believe the night had gone so quickly. She checked her omni-tool for the time.

“Really, Joker? It’s just barely 0600 hours...I thought we weren’t arriving until at least 0700.”

“Well, that’s about right. It will probably be about 0700 by the time we get cleared and dock. Just thought you’d want to know.”

“All right, Joker. Thanks.”

Shepard turned to Liara and said, “Well, I lost track of time, I’m afraid. I guess we’ll have to continue this another time?” She smiled. She felt much closer to her asari friend after spending almost six hours trading stories. Liara’s face, however, was troubled.

“I didn’t realize what time it was, Shepard. I’m sorry that I kept you from sleep today. I know it is an important day. If I had kept better track of the time I –“

Shepard stopped Liara with a wave of her hand.

“Liara, I knew it was late. I may not have known how late it was, but believe me, it was nice to talk with you.” She gave Liara a reassuring smile. “However, I probably should get ready for the day. I’m meeting with the Council at 0800 hours. Let’s hope that they listen this time.”

Liara looked slightly relieved and nodded. She turned to head for the door, but looked back before it opened.

“Thank you for trusting me, Commander. I can assure you, your trust will not be misplaced.” With that, the asari smiled and left Shepard’s quarters.

Shepard smiled to herself as she got ready for the day. Sharing stories had somehow invigorated her. Maybe she should thank Liara later for the lack of sleep. She felt strangely energized and ready to face the Council after spending the entire night retelling of and reconquering her demons from the past.

And she felt hope for the future.

Liara had not been so open as Ashley in her suggestions that Garrus might return some of her feelings, but Liara had definitely hinted several times that she had noticed the turian’s special manner with her. The thought of Garrus made her blush and shake her head. _Can’t be distracted today. Have to convince the Council_ again _that Saren is a threat and the best way to deal with him is to listen to me._

But even though she replayed and practiced in her mind what she would say to the Council while she got dressed and ready for the day, she couldn’t help but smile a little as she thought about Garrus.

“He watches you, Shepard,” Liara had said.

“Of course he does,” Shepard had scoffed. “He’s always behind me sniping out hostiles. He’s supposed to watch me.”

“You know what I mean,” Liara had smiled at her. “He looks at you differently. He tenses up when he thinks you are injured. He’s always the first one at your side if you fall.”

“Yeah, well, he hasn’t made a move yet. I’ve given him plenty of chances. I’m just not sure I believe there’s anything more than admiration for his commanding officer.”

“That’s just it, Shepard,” Liara had leaned forward and made more direct eye contact. “You _are_ his commanding officer – and a good one at that. One of the best. He respects you and is possibly intimidated by you. It’s one thing to be a subordinate who is consulted on matters of strategy. It’s quite another to tell your Commander how you feel about her.”

Liara had leaned back in her chair. “I think he might be afraid.”

Shepard had laughed loudly when Liara suggested Garrus was afraid of her. Her turian? Afraid? Never.

But the thought didn’t leave her as she prepared for the day. She cleaned her armor and made herself look the best she could for her audience with the Council.

_Maybe after this meeting is over_ , she thought. _Get through today and maybe I should just tell him – like Ashley said._

She did feel different today. It was liberating to share her secret, openly and fully. Two of her friends had told her the same thing – they thought Garrus cared about her, that his feelings were more than a respect of command.

_Won’t know until you’ve tried_. She shrugged her shoulders and straightened her hair back into a tight bun at the nape of her neck. She took a few seconds to really look at herself in the mirror before heading out to face the crew and the Council.

Sharp jawline. Light yellow hair pinned tightly to her head. Bright green eyes. Thick, pale pink lips and pale skin that had rarely seen a real sun except on missions and occasional vacations. Ears that came to a tip just at the top.

The scar from the Blitz cut through her right eyebrow and down across her nose and cheek. She brought her hand up and felt the reconstructed cartilage under the skin. Sometimes, she still didn’t recognize herself when she looked in the mirror offhandedly. But there she was.

Commander Elizabeth Shepard. Daughter of Adam and Hannah Shepard. Jazz music enthusiast. Hero of the Skyllian Blitz. Lover of Spectre Nihlus Kryik. First human Spectre in the galaxy.

And inside, she was just a schoolgirl with a crush on Garrus Vakarian, former C-Sec Officer.

She almost giggled at herself. Maybe what she was feeling really was courage brought on by Liara’s long conversation or maybe she was just suffering from sleep deprivation. But she was going to tell him. No more time to waste. Who knew what would happen when they caught up to Saren? Maybe she would die. Maybe they would fail. But at least she would have told Garrus how she felt.

She gave herself one last approving look in the mirror and strode out from her cabin and into the mess.

And that was when her heart fell.

What had she been thinking just a few moments before? That Garrus might care for her? That she should finally tell him how she felt? That he was simply afraid to share his feelings for his Commander?

All of it came crashing down as she saw two figures in the mess. One was Garrus, who looked up, startled, as her cabin door opened and she strode through with a bright smile on her face.

The other was Tali, sitting across from him.

With her hand resting on Garrus’ arm.

As soon as Tali saw Shepard emerge from her cabin, she snapped her hand back guiltily and quickly glanced at Garrus. Shepard couldn’t read the look on Garrus’ face. His mandibles were pulled tightly against his cheekplates and he simply stared at her. Unflinching. Unmoving.

_How could I have been so stupid?_ She thought.

_I’ll tell you how_. Who else but Hannah Shepard would answer that question? _You got distracted. You got foolish. You lost sight of the mission. You were led away into fantasies._

_Well, here’s the truth, dear daughter. He doesn’t love you._

She wanted to turn around and run back into her cabin. She wanted to flop on her bed and stare at the ceiling and not move for days. But she couldn’t do that. She was Commander Shepard along with all those other things she had told herself just minutes before in the mirror. There were bigger problems in the galaxy than her broken heart. There were tougher problems to solve than how she had missed the affair happening between her best friend and her hero.

Right under her nose. On her ship.

All the energy that she had earlier suddenly found a new form – rage. She felt deceived. She felt tricked.

She really should have picked up on it. All the times she found Tali perched on the crate next to Garrus when she did rounds. Even last night, as the elevator door had closed after she held her private memorial for Ashley, she had watched Garrus head for engineering. Of course he was going to see Tali. Of course they were lovers. Of course he would care for someone more like him. _Someone less…human._

She was a fool.

She felt as exposed as she did the day she caught Thad with red-head. A fool.

But she took her new-found rage and channeled it. _You_ have _to hold it together today, Elizabeth. You_ have _to control yourself. Saren is out there. There’s no time for you to fall apart._

So, she smiled.

It took all the energy she could muster, but she did it.

She smiled and walked over to the table.

Tali spoke first. “G-good morning, Shepard. I…was just leaving, actually. Good luck with the Council today.” Her speech was awkward, and well it should be. Even if Shepard didn’t give a damn about fraternization, and even if she didn’t love the turian sitting across from her quarian friend, she had just seen a gesture of affection pass between two members of her crew.

And they had kept it a secret from her. That hurt the most. That for whatever reason, they hadn’t wanted her to know.

Shepard nodded at Tali as she quickly got up from her seat and brushed past.

Garrus still didn’t say a word. He hadn’t taken his eyes off her. He still had the same look on his face as he did when she spotted Tali quickly trying to hide the signs of their tryst.

Then she looked at the spot next to him. There was a cup of hot coffee sitting next to him. She looked at the coffee and then looked at Garrus, raising an eyebrow.

Finally, he spoke. “I figured you would be up soon. Big day today. I got your coffee ready for you in case you were too busy.” He sounded quiet. And concerned.

_Oh, don’t you worry about me, traitor_ , she thought. _I’ll be just fine. Have your secret love affair with Tali._

_Don’t feel sorry for me._

“Yeah, big day.” But instead of sitting down next to him, where the cup was clearly placed, she sat across from him in Tali’s former seat. She reached for the coffee and pulled it over to her. The last thing she wanted was Garrus pretending to be her friend. Pretending to care.

She sipped slowly from her cup. She couldn’t help but notice that he was still watching her – probably waiting for her to say something about what she had seen. But she would not give him that satisfaction. She would pretend she hadn’t seen a thing.

_Time to move on_ , her mother’s voice said. _Move on and be more productive with your life. Less time wasted over this turian._

They sat in silence. If the shuffling of Garrus’ feet and the tapping of one talon on his mug was any indication, Shepard would say he seemed uncomfortable.

_Good,_ she thought. _Let him be uncomfortable. All this time…I wasted so much time…_

“So…” he coughed slightly. “Have you decided what we will say to the Council today?”

She nearly spit her coffee all over the table. _We?_

She voiced that last thought out loud. “We?” she paused. “Well, I figured I would take Kaidan and Liara with me to visit the Council today. You know, Liara’s the expert on Protheans and Kaidan is….” Again she paused to gauge his reaction. She thought Garrus looked disappointed. “well, _human_.”

She emphasized that last word. She was unsure why she did. Maybe she wanted Garrus to know she felt betrayed. Maybe it was more for herself than for him. _Human. Kaidan is human. Nihlus cared for me, but he was different. I should have known that Garrus would never–_

“Oh,” Garrus stopped her thoughts from spiraling any further. “Well, that’s understandable, I guess. In that case, I will go make preparations for Ilos. I hope they listen to you today.” He got up abruptly. So abruptly, in fact, that he banged his knee into the edge of the table as he rose. Shepard heard him curse under his breath and he strode, perhaps angrily, perhaps a little embarrassed, out of the mess.

She relaxed a little. _Still no time to feel sorry for yourself._ But she gave herself a few minutes before heading to the airlock with her team.

She stared at Garrus’ half-empty cup of dextro coffee in front of her.

Alone.

While her own cup grew cold.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Garrus let his head hit the wall of the elevator with a bang. What had just happened? Why couldn’t he say anything? _Why couldn’t I just explain to her that it was nothing? An innocent gesture from a concerned friend._

He stormed out of the elevator when it finally reached the cargo hold and made his way to his usual station. He ignored the looks he got from the salarians and Wrex as he popped open the door of the Mako and climbed in instead of remaining outside like he usually did.

He didn’t want anyone to see him right now.

He was still so confused. _What just happened?_

Tali had met him for breakfast in the mess. She was still pestering him to tell Shepard how he felt. He knew Shepard would come out soon. She always came out sometime between 0615 and 0630. _Would she think I was crazy for knowing her schedule that well?_ he thought. He smiled at the thought of Shepard coming out of her cabin. She was always happy to see him when he managed to catch her in the morning. He had tried to make it as regular an occurrence as he could. Today had been no different until disaster struck.

But his smile disappeared and he sighed as he dropped down into a seat in the Mako and let his head hang into his hands.

Tali had meant well. It was just horrible timing. The _worst_ timing. He had simply been confessing to Tali about some of the awful luck he had with women – Trynix in particular –  and that he wanted whatever he felt about Shepard to be different. He wanted things to go right for once.

He didn’t know how to approach her. She was his commanding officer, after all.

He still didn’t know when the appropriate time would be to tell her, but when it did happen, he didn’t want to say something foolish. He didn’t know how to start or what to say.

Tali had simply reached out to give him a reassuring grip.

And the cabin door had opened.

The look on Shepard’s face would be one he would never forget.

It was so fast, if he didn’t know her he would have missed it. The look left as quickly as it came. But he knew every glance, every grimace, every smile, every slight wrinkle in that face.

She was hurt.

And angry.

And it was because of him.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a light tapping on the door of the Mako.

“Garrus?” Tali’s voice whispered. “Wrex said you were in here. Can I come in?”

“No,” he replied brusquely.

“Garrus, please?” She sounded so pained. He sighed and relented, pushing the unlock button and swinging open the door.

Tali jumped in and plopped down in a seat opposite him.

“Garrus, you _have_ to tell her.”

“No, Tali. I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. What she saw today wasn’t what she thinks it was. Go tell her.”

“Oh, it wasn’t what she thinks, huh?” He couldn’t help himself. He was mad at Tali. He knew it wasn’t her fault, not really. But if she hadn’t reached out…. “Or did you plan this all along? Did you want to sabotage my chances with her? That’s not exactly the way to win a man over.”

He knew it was low. He knew he should apologize. But he was too angry. So he just sat there and pretended he didn’t notice Tali’s faceplate fogging up.

But she continued, “I’m sorry, Garrus. It was bad timing. But this is something that can be fixed. It was purely innocent. She will see that – I –“

“No, Tali. She won’t. She’s already grounded me from speaking with the Council. You should have seen her after you left. She was livid, but hiding it. I’ve never seen her so – “ He still couldn’t find the right word. “Hurt.”

He wasn’t sure that was exactly the word he wanted, but it would do.

“Please, Tali. I just….I just want to be alone for now.”

Tali sat for a few more moments in silence, as if trying to find something to say. Then she finally rose from her seat and exited the vehicle.

Leaving Garrus alone with his thoughts.


	17. Ended with an Avalanche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd been working in tandem on this chapter and the next, so y'all get two new chapters tonight! Thanks to those of you who gave me feedback and comments. Your feedback helped with the development of these chapters.

Dirty.

Elizabeth Shepard had never hated herself more than she did in this moment. She felt filthy in her own skin, and she wasn’t sure there was anything she could do to get clean.

The day had gone from horrible to surprisingly good to unimaginably tragic. She wasn’t sure she could take much more of the emotional roller coaster ride.

Shepard listened to the almost inaudible hum of the ship as she stared up at the ceiling of her cabin in the dark. She needed sleep. She needed to be ready for tomorrow morning when they reached Ilos, but that just wasn’t happening.

So instead of sleeping, she was torturing herself by replaying the events of this horrendous day.

She had been in a sour mood to begin with. And the meeting with the Council hadn’t made it any better. She had snapped at the Council members every chance she got. She was sick of their petty blindness and their political excuses. She was sick of Udina most of all and _he_ was supposed to be on _her_ side.

_Screw that_ , she thought as she listened to him stab her in the back. _I’m not on your side either, dickwad._

Politics were no excuse for sealing the fate of billions of living creatures across the galaxy. And Commander Shepard was fed up.

She wanted so badly to pull out her pistol and shoot each of the Council members once cleanly in the head. She would save Udina last of all. _Best for last_. But she reigned in her emotions, spun on her heel and left Udina to “help” the Council deal with Saren.

When they had returned to the Normandy, Shepard had quickly shed her armor and threw it on the floor of her cabin. The ship had been eerily quiet.

“Joker!” she pinged his attention on her omni-tool. “Where the hell is everybody?”

“Uh, welcome back, Commander,” he sounded nervous. _I bet I look and sound like the God of Fury right now with the way my day is going. I don’t really blame him._ “I, uh, took the liberty of telling the crew to make themselves scarce for a bit. I heard about what happened with the Council and well…thought it might help.”

_At least one person on this ship is still looking out for me._ She chuckled a little to herself and was silently grateful for Joker’s surprising insight.

“Thanks,” she said. “I could use a little space.”

“No problem, Commander.” And then it was quiet again. She sighed and got right back to work. Maybe there were contacts she could use – people she knew, people who would listen to her. People who could help her get around Udina’s display of power.

_People who will get us the fuck out of here and off to Ilos. To Saren._

But it was all to no avail. She gave up. After hours of contacting anyone and everyone she knew in Alliance command – even Admiral Hackett had made some daft excuse about his hands being tied by intergalactic politics – Commander Shepard had admitted defeat.

They were grounded.

She had spun her chair around and glanced at the disheveled mess of her armor in a pile on the floor. Sighing, she had picked it up and recalled how carefully she had put it on and attempted to make herself look presentable this morning. _What a waste of time_ , she thought. _All for nothing._ She quickly changed her train of thought, because thinking of that morning brought up other unpleasant memories.

She didn’t want to look at her armor right now. _Out of sight, out of mind._

_What the hell do you do when you’re grounded and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance? Twiddle your thumbs and play poker?_

She had dragged her armor out through the mess and stuffed it in her locker. She was angry. Bitter. Frustrated. Hurt.

And maybe a little bit scared.

She wouldn’t admit that to anyone else, but she felt it. _What if Saren succeeds?_ She couldn’t help but think about it. _What if he finds the Conduit? What if Sovereign wins?..._

She was so distracted by her thoughts that she hadn’t heard Kaidan creep up behind her as she shoved her armor into her locker. And she was so distraught at the day’s events, she hadn’t pushed him away as much as she should have. She knew she was leading him on, but she didn’t care in that moment. She hated the Council. She hated this mission. She hated Nihlus for dying when she needed him.

She hated Kaidan for being the one there when she felt alone.

And she hated herself for pushing Garrus away so he wasn’t there.

But Kaidan _was_ there.

Luckily, Joker had interrupted their conversation before something terrible happened in between the lockers and the mess. She breathed a sigh of relief as Joker’s voice released her from Kaidan’s grasp, but not his gaze.

Anderson’s message had given her hope. Their brief meeting in the Flux had been her one, bright, shining moment of the day. She was worried for him and treason wasn’t exactly something she had ever planned to commit, but she knew it was necessary. And so did Anderson.

_Sacrifice makes a soldier_ , she thought, bitterly. Her father had always told her that. He had sacrificed a lot over the years for the Alliance, but he never sacrificed his family. _Unlike Mom. She doesn’t give a damn_.

And here she was, sacrificing possibly everything to chase down Saren and stop him before the worst happened. She wasn’t sure if her mother would approve of her actions or disown her. _I guess it doesn’t really matter now. It’s over. I stole the fanciest ship the Alliance owns and so far, I’ve gotten away with it._

And then Kaidan had been there again – to catch her when she fell.

The day had started as a snowball and ended with an avalanche – and the avalanche’s name was Kaidan Alenko.

She didn’t love him. She didn’t even like him most of the time. But she found herself saying things she never thought she would say to her Lieutenant. She found herself wanting his touch – wanting to feel the heat of skin on skin and the release that followed afterwards. Aching for some comfort, any kind of comfort that would take away the pain and the emotions rising in her throat and threatening to break free.

_Why am I doing this?_ She tried to stop herself, but she couldn’t. Her anger and frustration at Saren. At the Council. Her heartache over Garrus and Tali’s secret. It was all too much. She felt like her chest was about to explode into pieces and leave her standing there, staring at the gaping hole it left and the pieces as they fell to the floor. And she couldn’t do anything to stop it. She wanted the feeling of skin and teeth and tongue and lips to block out the anguish inside.

In the moment, she thought Kaidan would relieve her pain. That he would somehow redeem all the things that she had done wrong and all that had been done wrong to her over the last day…week…month.

But it didn’t help. It had only made her feel worse.

And dirty.

She was rough with him. She noticed the look of surprise on his face as she threw him on the bed and crawled on top of him, pulling his shirt violently over his head and quickly dispensing of his pants before he could say a word. She saw the hunger in his eyes, which met the hunger in her own eyes, though a hunger of a different kind.

The hunger of revenge. The hunger of anger.

The hunger that could not be satisfied by any one night stand. She knew that, but she didn’t care.

She hadn’t wanted to look at him. She didn’t want to see his gaze of amazement as she stripped herself of her clothes and let him see her perfectly shaped body underneath. His look of longing made her feel even more self-loathing, so she had turned out the lights and ignored the thought of Kaidan’s love for her.

She had used him. She used him to feel. His loving hands only fueled her anger and hunger with each grope of her breasts and each touch between her legs. She used the anger to close out all the other feelings threatening to burst out of her at any moment. He tried to satisfy her in ways she would normally enjoy. She could tell he wanted to please her, more than anything else.

But she didn’t let him. She pulled herself away each time he tried to be gentle and distracted him by placing her mouth around him, or biting him, or rocking into him roughly in a way that no man would be able to resist.

She used him to hide the pain and the anger boiling up within her, threatening to expose her calm, cool exterior for what it really was – a hot, roiled up mess of fear and fury and desire…more than anything a desire for something she knew she couldn’t have.

But there was only so much she could hide.

And as Kaidan had called out her name in ecstasy, she bit into his shoulder to stop herself from calling the name of the one being in the universe that could have truly fed her hunger.

But that person was not feeding her hunger. He was in the cargo hold. Or engineering.

With Tali.

And now, as she lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling, she wished she could go back and change the last three hours of her life. But it was too late, and Kaidan was snoring slightly beside her.

She couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t lay here next to him and pretend to be something she wasn’t. She had to do something other than lay here and feel sorry for herself.

Elizabeth Shepard didn’t let things happen to her. _She_ happened to the things around her.

She made up her mind, quietly swinging her legs over the side of the bed and throwing on a tank top and shorts. She pushed a few buttons on her omni-tool and headed out of the cabin, avoiding looking back at Kaidan, sleeping in her bed – the evidence of her crimes.

The elevator was always so slow. She banged her fist on the wall once in frustration.

“Come on!” she growled between her teeth.

She quickly exited the elevator when it reached the cargo hold. She knew it would be empty. Even if her crew wasn’t asleep, they would all at least be trying to sleep –or maybe pretending to sleep –on a mission as important as this one.

But there was one person she wanted to talk to and that person would be in engineering.

She made a hard right and almost jogged down the corridor to engineering.

Tali was already waiting for her when the door slid open. She turned around from her console and began walking towards Shepard. Shepard discovered her hands were clammy and shaking as the distance between herself and her quarian friend closed. She wished she had put on some sweats with pockets to hide her shaking hands instead of the flimsy getup she was wearing that wouldn’t hide a thing, least of all her shaking hands.

“Thanks for coming, Tali. I’m sorry if you were sleeping –“

“Actually, Shepard,” Tali cut her off. “I wasn’t sleeping at all, and I appreciate the distraction from thinking about tomorrow.”

They both stood in awkward silence for several moments, which was eventually broken by both women speaking at the same time.

“Do you –“

“What you –“

They both laughed, which relieved a little tension. “Shepard, you go first. Whatever you have to say was urgent enough that you couldn’t sleep and got me down here, so go ahead.”

Shepard took a deep breath. She knew she wanted to ask this question, but she didn’t know how. She was afraid of Tali’s reaction. Would she be mad? Would she be hurt? Would this ruin their friendship?

But she had to know.

“Ok,” she began. But still no words came out.

Tali eventually saved her. “Stop being a bosh’tet, Shepard. You shouldn’t be afraid to talk to me –whatever it’s about. I –“

“Do you love him?”

It just fell out of her mouth. It rolled off her tongue like she had practiced saying it all day. And in a way, she had. Her mind had been riddled all day with thoughts of Garrus and Tali, Tali and Garrus, jealousy, anger, betrayal.

She needed it to stop. But Tali was also her friend, and if Tali and Garrus cared for each other, the last thing she wanted to do was get in the way of their happiness.

“No.”

That was it. That was the answer. She didn’t even have to explain to Tali who she was talking about. Tali knew.

Shepard felt her whole body grow weak. She couldn’t hold it up anymore. She felt her knees buckle and Tali’s surprisingly strong arms catch her as she fell to the ground, feeling the cold, hard metal of the floor make contact with her damp skin.

Elizabeth Shepard didn’t cry. But this was another moment where she struggled to hold it back. The relief from Tali’s one word answer was enough to give her a whole new outlook on the day, the night, tomorrow…

Life.

“You don’t love him?”

Tali joined her on the floor and sat across from her. “No, Shepard. I don’t love him.”

“But you care for him?” She felt her heart clinch again, thinking that maybe Tali still wanted something from Garrus beyond friendship, even if it wasn’t love yet.

“Of course I do, Shepard. Very much. And if I hadn’t noticed your feelings for him long ago, I might have tried to make something of it. But I am your friend. And I did notice.” Shepard could tell Tali was smiling at her reassuringly from under her faceplate. “What you saw this morning…” Tali sighed, “Oh, Shepard, it was just horrible timing.”

Shepard felt the tears rising, but she swallowed them back. _No, not now, not here._ She raised her face to look at Tali’s.

Tali spoke clearly and slowly. “There is nothing between me and Garrus. I am his friend. Nothing more.”

Suddenly, Shepard realized how cold engineering was in her tank top and shorts. The metal felt like ice and the air penetrated her thin, knit clothes like a cold winter wind. She shivered.

“I’m so sorry, Tali. I’ve been…” she searched for the right word, “I’m so ashamed. Of everything.”

Tali shook her head. “You don’t need to be, Shepard. I understand.” Shepard winced with regret as she thought of who was in her bed at this very moment. _You don’t know what I have done, Tali._

Tali stood up and reached for Shepard’s hand to pull her up from the cold floor. “However, I don’t think I’m the one you should apologize to.”

Shepard grabbed Tali’s hand and pulled herself up, but shook her head. “I think I’m too far gone this time, Tali. I really fucked up today.” She shuddered inwardly, not only at thoughts of Kaidan, but of her comments to Garrus earlier. Her behavior had been inexcusable, and she had possibly traded a few moments of physical pleasure for the one thing she really wanted. The guilt made her want to fold up into herself and hide from Tali’s stare. She felt exposed under her gaze and dropped her head to look at her feet.

“Shepard, listen to me,” Tali grabbed both of Shepard’s hands and forced her commander to look her in the face. “There is nothing you could do that would be so far gone that Garrus Vakarian wouldn’t forgive you. You are Commander Fucking Shepard. He worships you.”

_If Tali only knew it was the other way around…_

Shepard wasn’t sure she believed her friend. And she definitely wasn’t sure she deserved any sort of redemption for her actions.

“I don’t even know how to start, Tali.”

“Well, my silly human friend, it starts with two simple words. And if you can’t say them, I will start calling you Commander Bosh’tet Shepard.”

Shepard chuckled slightly. “I don’t know if it’s that easy anymore.”

“It may not be, but it’s a start. And believe me when I say that a start is all you need.”

Shepard wasn’t sure what Tali meant by that, but she nodded her head in acknowledgment. _Even if it’s too late. Even if I royally screwed up with Garrus today. I have to make this right._

“Come on. We have a rogue Spectre to track down tomorrow,” Tali patted Shepard on the back as they headed out of engineering. “And you definitely need your beauty sleep.”

Shepard gave Tali a teasing punch on the arm, but she laughed as her friend linked arms with her and they headed back up the elevator.

As Shepard laid her head against her pillow, she found herself feeling surprisingly calm. If she still had a chance with Garrus, then there was still hope. Somehow, that small fact gave her hope for so much more than a chance to be with her hero, the turian C-Sec Officer who had changed her life all those years ago. A hope that they would make it to Ilos in time. A hope that they would catch Saren. A hope that they could actually stop the Reapers.

She drifted off to sleep quickly, ignoring the shallow breathing next to her.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Garrus startled as his omni-tool pinged in the dark.

_0023 TZR: You awake?_

_0023 GV: Yep._

_0024 TZR: If I told Shepard that you were madly in love with her, that would be a good thing, right?_

_0024 GV: YOU WHAT?!?!_

_0025 TZR: Just kidding._

Garrus rolled back over and tried to go to sleep. Tali was in a strange mood tonight. Of course, everyone tends to act a little strange the night before a big mission. He dismissed her odd message and was almost asleep when –

_0041 TZR: You still awake?_

_0041 GV: Nope._

_0042 TZR: Too bad. Since you’re asleep, I guess you will have to wait until morning to find out what I have to tell you._

_0042 GV: Tali…_

_0044 TZR: Wait…I thought you were asleep?_

_0045 GV: Not anymore._

_0045 TZR: Oh, okay then._

_0050 GV: Tali?_

_0051 TZR: Garrus?_

_0051 GV: Did you have something to tell me?_

_0052 TZR: About what?_

_0052 GV: …_

_0053 TZR: I can’t remember now…_

_0053 GV: …_

_0056 TZR: Oh yeah! It was about Shepard. She may or may not have just woken me up in the middle of the night to talk about you._

_0057 GV: Great. I thought I told you to leave it alone. What did I do now?_

_0058 TZR: Nothing in particular. Girl talk, mainly. And since when do I listen to you?_

_0100 GV: Good point. That could be why you still haven’t learned the proper way to shoot that rifle of yours. But seriously, Tali, why are you telling me this? Please just get to the point. It’s been a long day._

_0102 TZR: Oh all right, all right. What’s the human expression Shepard uses sometimes? “Buzzkill”? Whatever it is, it seems appropriate right now._

_0102 GV: …_

_0104 TZR: Seriously, Garrus. What’s with the “…” thing?_

_0105 GV: I guess we are both adopting Shepardisms tonight. She uses that in her messages when she is impatient with me._

_0107 TZR: Well, she never uses it with me. She must like me more than you._

_0108 GV: I’m not sure she likes either of us right now._

_0109 TZR: Oh shut up, Garrus. She is so in love with you, it’s painful. Will you please say something to her tomorrow? Before we quite possibly DIE???_

_0111 GV: What has changed since the last time I saw her? I was just about the last person she wanted to talk to less than one cycle ago._

_0113 TZR: That’s not what she told me tonight – when she dragged me out of bed kicking and screaming to talk all about you. Now stop being a stubborn turian and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. This might be your last chance, bosh’tet!_

_0116 GV: Somehow, I don’t think you are telling me the whole truth here. All those years of C-Sec training did at least teach me how to catch a liar. But if I missed an episode of Shepard dragging you out of bed while throwing a fit, I must have been quite tired indeed._

_0117 TZR: Garrus. I’m being serious._

_0119 GV: No, Tali. I’ve pushed too many women away by being….well, pushy. If Shepard wants to talk to me, she knows where to find me. She’s grounded me today and she’s already grounded me from Ilos tomorrow. I have a feeling nothing has changed since this morning._

_0120 TZR: What’s that other human expression she uses when she’s annoyed with you? “Whatever”?_

_0121 GV: Good night, Tali._

Garrus found himself in the dark again and sighed. He thought of Tali’s words and wondered if any of what she said was true. It probably wasn’t, but he appreciated how much she cared.

_0130 GV: You awake?_

_0131 TZR: Nope._

_0131 GV: Thanks, Tali. I mean it._

_0132 TZR: Anytime, Garrus._

Just as he was finally falling asleep, his omni-tool pinged one more time.

_0145 ES: Changing the Ilos ground team to you and Wrex. You up for it?_

He blinked his light blue eyes in surprise and tried to suppress a grin. Maybe Tali was right.

_0146 GV: You’re damn right I’m up for it._


	18. Eye on the Prize

0428\. She was grateful she was awake early.

She was also grateful that Kaidan had not tried to cuddle or touch her at all in his sleep. He had stayed on his side of the bed and she had stayed on hers.

She wasn’t ready to deal with Kaidan. Not yet. She quietly padded around her cabin, getting dressed in silence, reviewing her information on Ilos, Saren, the Conduit –anything that would help her prepare for the day.

She was scared. She still wouldn’t admit that fact to anyone besides herself. But Garrus would be with her and now she had hope. Hopefully today would mean the end of her fruitless search for Saren and life could finally move on.

Life. She was excited to live. Nihlus had reawakened her love of life, something that had been dormant inside her for years. Something that had died with her father.

Then Nihlus had been taken from her too. But now – now she had hope again and his name was Garrus Vakarian.

Finally, Kaidan started to stir. Shepard leaned against her desk and waited for him to notice her. She had to end this and quickly. He sat up slowly and found her stare.

Finally, he opened his mouth with a half-smile. “It’s been a long time since I’ve met a woman who, uh –“

“Bridge to Commander Shepard. We’re five minutes out from the Mu Relay.”

_Damn it, Joker._ She had been thankful for Joker’s timely interjection the day before, but not now. She needed to let Kaidan down before she lost her nerve.

And before Garrus found out who had spent the night in her cabin.

“You’re a sweetheart, Kaidan,” she began. _Sweetheart? Where did that come from?_ Sometimes she wasn’t sure that her mouth was truly attached to her brain at all. _Oh well, no reason to be a complete bitch_. “But you need to get out. Now.”

Kaidan nodded. “Joker’s waiting for you on the bridge.” Shepard tried to interrupt him, but Kaidan didn’t stop there. “I swear though, if anything happens to you –“

“Enough, Kaidan,” she felt her anger rising. _Keep it under control, Shepard. It’s not his fault you made a mistake._ “This isn’t going to work.”

She took a deep breath. Kaidan still wasn’t moving. He just sat there with his perfect half-covered naked body draped in her sheets. _Don’t lose your nerve_.

“You need to get out.”

She wasn’t sure if the look Kaidan was giving her was hurt or rage. Whatever it was, it wasn’t kind. She clenched the edge of the desk in a dual effort to stand firm and simultaneously not hurt her Lieutenant’s feelings – at least as much as possible.

When she said nothing more, it appeared that Kaidan understood her meaning. Finally, he threw the covers to the side, exposing the remainder of his flawless human features. The look on his face said it all – it was a look that dared her to abandon the vision of male form in front of her. She could hear an echo of her mother’s voice in the back of her mind, but firmly pushed it out. This was not what she wanted. Kaidan would not fulfill her needs. And she needed him to leave quickly, before anything happened to ruin her hope.

When she said and did nothing, Kaidan finally seemed to take the hint.

“Take care, Shepard,” he whispered. He reached quickly for the clothes she had deposited for him on the floor the night before and pulled them on in a rush. Shepard turned back to the datapad on her desk and gave him some privacy. She didn’t even look up to see the longing look he gave her just before the door shut behind him.

As soon as the panel shut, she breathed a sigh of relief. She stuck to her plan. She counted to ten, figuring that would be enough time for Kaidan to make it to his quarters and get ready for the day.

She said a silent prayer to all the gods she could think of that Garrus was still in the cargo hold and not in the mess waiting for her already. The idea that Garrus had seen Kaidan exit her cabin at this early hour made her slightly sick to her stomach. Then she had a different thought.

“So…Garrus’ Spirits? If you’re real…just…don’t let Garrus be in the mess yet. Don’t let anyone be in the mess yet…”

Impatiently, she pushed her chair back from her desk and braved the day.

And that day, she decided the turians had it right. Not a soul was in the mess. _Spirits it is then._

She sent a quick message to her team and caught herself whistling as she made her way to the cockpit. _Whistling? When was the last time I did that?_

She scolded herself for feeling so carefree. They were about to go through the Mu Relay and who knew what they would find on Ilos. How could she be so happy?

She blushed like a school girl as she thought, _Because my blue-eyed hero will be right behind me. Not many people get a chance for a fresh start._

Most of the team was already waiting for her. She found that her newfound hope was affecting her judgment slightly. She felt more daring, more courageous. Ready to conquer the world. Or the galaxy.

Or at least kill the traitor who had started this whole mess.

She couldn’t believe she heard herself tell her crew to drop them in the Mako. Her adrenaline rush must have been contagious, because Joker claimed he could make it happen, despite Pressly’s doubts.

“Joker. Drop us right on top of that bastard.”

She turned and left the cockpit behind her.

_This ends today._

>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Something was different about her today. He wasn’t sure what had changed, and he didn’t really care. Tali was right. Shepard wasn’t mad at him, and that was all that mattered. In fact, she had been more familiar with him than he ever remembered her being before. She joked with him more than she had in weeks. She acted like nothing had happened the morning prior in the mess – like they were best friends again and nothing was different.

Garrus loved every minute of it.

And then he felt guilty for loving it. He had to keep reminding himself what he was doing. He was on the most important mission of his life – tracking Saren and stopping the Reapers from breaking through into the Citadel and wiping out civilization as he knew it. But he couldn’t help some of his feelings, and eventually he stopped trying.

He loved this little, yellow-haired human. No matter if she returned his affections or not, he was here at her side again and together, they would dispense justice.

His chest puffed at the thought of finally killing Saren and how rewarding it would feel to do good again. And he owed it all to his small, but amazingly tough, human Commander.

He glanced at her as she drove the Mako through the tunnels of the facility. Her hair was slightly disheveled and her eyes had a new flash to them. He didn’t know what it meant, but he liked everything about her today. She was full of energy. Full of life. And it filled him with hope.

Suddenly she stopped. He looked ahead and saw what they were looking for. The Conduit. The mini-mass relay just a few hundred yards in front of them. _Why did she stop_?

Shepard flipped her head around and looked Garrus straight in the face. He was so surprised, he flinched slightly, but she was smiling.

“Got your seatbelt buckled, Vakarian? I think we’re in for a wild ride.”

The look that sparked behind those bright green eyes was a look that crossed all barriers of language and species. He wasn’t quite sure he believed what he was hearing or seeing in that moment.. He thought maybe he was imagining things, hearing what he wanted to hear, seeing what he wanted to see.

Any doubts that he may have had were allayed when he heard Wrex chuckle and mutter, “Looks like someone else finally picked up on that scent, Vakarian.”

Garrus held himself back from punching his krogan friend, but he also noticed that Elizabeth Shepard had not stopped looking at him. Even Garrus wasn’t clueless enough to miss what was going on. It was unmistakable.

He paused as the realization flooded over him. _Well, two can play that game._

“We don’t have time to admire the view,” he teased, noting that she hadn’t stopped looking at him while he leaned back a little in his seat, calmly resting an arm on his knee.. “We have to get through that relay – and those geth aren’t going to make it easy on us.”

He enjoyed the look of utter feigned annoyance she gave him as she turned back around and punched the controls as hard as she could. “Buzzkill,” she rolled her eyes at him.

“I’ll show you how to get through the relay,” she concluded with that delicious undertone he still wasn’t sure was real.

Wrex was full-blown laughing now. Garrus ignored him. He could not believe what was happening. In the middle of this mission, an army of geth surrounding them, headed at full speed in the Mako toward a mini-mass relay in an abandoned Prothean facility on a deserted planet.

And Commander Shepard was flirting. With him. A turian.

Garrus Vakarian. Son of Tavius Vakarian. Rifle enthusiast. Hand-to-hand combat specialist. Former C-Sec Officer.

He had captured the heart of the most amazing female creature in the galaxy.

He could do anything now. And he _would_ do anything to make sure his Shepard stayed safe until this mission was over. Until he could finally tell her what she meant to him. Until he could –

He gripped his seat hard when they jolted through the relay.

Finding the Citadel under attack after a harsh crash landing in the Citadel jolted him back to reality. _I have to focus. There will be time later. For now, keep her safe._

“Shepard, you ok?” he called. He could see her crawling out from under the Mako.

“Yep,” she replied tersely, but she was still smiling at him. _Back to business_ , he thought, _even for her_. “Let’s get moving. We’ve got a damned traitor to kill.”

He nodded and fell in line behind her.

Wrex sidled up next to him. “Think you can keep your mind on the mission, Vakarian?” The big krogan was smiling at him.

Garrus chortled. “Don’t worry about me, Wrex.” He turned his eyes back on Shepard, just a few paces in front of him. “I’ve got my eye on the prize.”

He ignored Wrex chuckling next to him as they both fell into step behind their human commander.


	19. Make Sure He's Dead

The mood changed quickly when Saren locked the elevator.

“Suit up. We’re going outside!” Shepard shouted to her team. Wrex and Garrus nodded as Shepard secured her helmet in place. She jumped out of the elevator first and took a second to get her bearings.

Then she saw it and gripped her pistol tightly, gritting her teeth.

Sovereign. Here. On the Citadel.

 _Payback’s a bitch, you bastard_ , she thought.

She heard Wrex and Garrus jump down behind her.

“Let’s move!” Wrex and Garrus assumed their usual positions as the team headed toward the Reaper.

As they encountered group after group of geth and krogan, her previous mood started to return. It was fun to fight in zero gravity. A lift here. A throw there. Geth were flying everywhere while Wrex and Garrus picked off the few that her biotics missed.

“I think you’re having a little too much fun, Shepard.” She heard a smirk in Garrus’ voice.

“Afraid you’re gonna get behind on that kill count, Vakarian?” she taunted as she threw another trooper into the air.

“Can you two keep the hormones in check?” Wrex chimed in. “Some of us are working here.”

“Oh, don’t be jealous, Wrex,” Shepard shouted as she ducked behind a wall to avoid the blast from a destroyer. “I’m just not into krogan.” She heard Wrex grunt at that, but Garrus gave her a sideways twist of his head.

She couldn’t read his expression through his helmet, but she would give almost anything to know what he was thinking today. She still wasn’t sure she should be this blatant and open about her feelings, especially now, when she had to fight an army of geth, krogan, and possibly a Reaper besides. But her conversation with Tali had forced her to make a decision and Garrus had returned all of her teasing so far.

She was done wasting time and waiting for happiness to happen to her. She had determined to take what she wanted…if he would have her.

Shepard regained her focus when she saw the geth dropship.

“Shit! Garrus, take cover over there!” she motioned to her right. “Wrex! Hit them from the left and I’ll try to control what I can!” Her team moved into position. Geth after geth seemed to pour out of that dropship. Just when she thought she would have to devise another plan and they would be overwhelmed by the number headed their direction, the ship flew away. Quickly, she threw a singularity, catching three geth and leaving a few on the ground for Garrus and Wrex to pick off.

“Good work, team. Head out!"

They continued to move over the surface of the Citadel, but Shepard’s hope faded slightly when they reached another open area with more defense turrets and more geth. She quickly moved to the right, finding what she thought was a safe place to assess the situation and devise a plan. She jumped when she heard a crash behind her. Flipping around quickly, she saw Wrex stepping over a geth he had just charged, and then she heard Garrus yell, “Watch out!” The force of his body slamming her into the ground knocked the air out of her lungs.

She gasped as she regained her breath, cursing herself for being so careless, and winced as a blast from a defense turret whizzed over their heads. She looked up into Garrus’ expressionless helmet and smiled.

“You didn’t have to wait for a near death experience to get me on the ground.” It was a totally inappropriate time for such shameless flirting, but she didn’t care. _It’s now or never_ , she reminded herself. She had the nerve right now, in this moment, as she found herself in her element, fighting, dodging, and strategizing. She wasn’t sure she would have the nerve again. She was determined to take advantage of her courage while she had it.

Luckily, she didn’t seem to have to worry. Garrus wasn’t appalled or embarrassed, from what she could tell. In fact, he was _returning_ her advances, if that was even possible in such a tense situation.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” his voice rumbled through her chest as he chuckled and she shuddered slightly beneath him. He pulled himself off of her and he extended a hand to help her up but remained crouched in cover.

Wrex seemed to be ignoring the exchange. “Shepard! I think there’s a way around these turrets!”

She nodded at him and said, “Lead the way!”

They trekked perpendicular from the direction of their previous course and found a covered corridor to follow.

“Damn it!” she yelled as a bullet flew past her head. “You didn’t say this way would be crawling with krogan, Wrex!”

“How the hell was I supposed to know?” He replied.

 “I think the krogan might be better,” Garrus said. “Not quite as quick as the turrets.”

“Watch it, Vakarian, or I’ll show you how quick a krogan can be.” Shepard laughed and led her team through the corridor. She saw the battlemaster a second too late and before she knew it, she felt herself flying off into weightlessness.

But Garrus was right behind her, as usual. He caught her hand just in time and pulled her back to the Citadel’s surface.

Crouching in cover next to Garrus, she said, “Quick reflexes, Garrus. Thanks.” She still wished she could see his face, but his reply was almost as rewarding.

“They come in handy in more ways than one, Commander.”

It was the first time he had initiated a flirtatious comment since she had been brave enough to try. She couldn’t hide the grin that spread across her face.

She wanted this mission to be over. Now.

Finally, they took out the battlemaster and continued through the corridor. Their hard work was rewarded when they found a maintenance hatch.

“Think this goes where we want it to?” Wrex asked.

“It damn well better,” Shepard said as she secured her weapon and climbed inside the hatch.

Luckily, she was right. Pulling out her weapon again, she moved forward inside the Tower.

“Spirits, I hope we’re not too late,” she heard Garrus behind her. _Those Spirits have already helped me out once today_ , she thought, _I hope they decide to help us out again._

The team took out a few more geth on their way to the Council Chambers.

And there he was. Saren. The beginning of this fight, and, Shepard hoped, the end as well.

She dodged and took cover as Saren threw a grenade. She listened to his pathetic banter, annoyed that he was drawing this out. She didn’t have much pity for this monstrosity – this abomination that had killed Nihlus and put the fate of billions at risk.

She wondered how her father would feel about everything she had done in the last few days. Challenging the Council. Stealing the Normandy. Flirting with her turian officer while holding the lives of everyone in the galaxy in her hands. She had to do something her father might actually approve of. His words from so long ago popped into her head.

 _You can’t predict how people will act. But you can control how you’ll respond. In the end, that’s what really matters_ ….

“Some part of you must still realize this is wrong. You can fight this!” She figured it was useless, but she knew she had to try. For all she knew, it could have been her that had been sucked into Sovereign’s plan and indoctrinated. If she had been made a Spectre sooner and been in the wrong part of the galaxy at the wrong time….

Even with everything that had happened, she had to wonder how much of what had gone wrong with the galaxy over the last few months was truly Saren’s fault.

And she realized that she pitied him.

“The implants… Sovereign is too strong. I’m sorry. It is too late for me.”

Part of her couldn’t believe she was getting through. _Chalk another one up to Dad and his words of wisdom_ , she shook her head. She decided to take one more risk. She crawled out from cover and let her weapon drop to her side. Squaring herself to face Saren, she pleaded, “It’s not over yet. You can still redeem yourself!”

“Goodbye, Shepard. Thank you!”

Shepard had offered him mercy, but she wasn’t sure she completely bought the idea that Saren could redeem himself at all. She was comforted slightly because she had done what she hoped her father would have wanted her to do, but she felt no remorse as Saren’s body broke through the glass and fell to the ground below.

She was only sorry that it wasn’t her own bullet that sent him there.

>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<< 

She was crazy. He knew she was crazy, but he didn’t care. She was crazy in an absolutely amazing way.

But it was all he could do to hold back from tackling Shepard again when she foolishly stood up, undefended, to face Saren alone.

Foolish and brave. That was his Commander. _Foolish and brave and warm and soft and…_

Garrus shook his head. All this confusion during a mission. His father would definitely not approve. He had to keep it together. _There will be time later. Get through the mission now._

But it had all worked out. Saren was dead, his broken body lying beneath them, his life unceremoniously ended.

Garrus was not surprised, however, that Shepard was willing to do whatever it took to save the Council. He knew they got under her skin, but he also knew she was smart and willing to make choices that needed to be made for the good of all, not just her own kind.

And he admired her all the more for it.

“Make sure he’s dead,” was all she said.

He knew this had to be hard for her. They hadn’t talked about Nihlus since she had confided in him. And if he was completely honest with himself, he was still slightly jealous at the thought of Shepard and Nihlus together, but he knew Shepard well enough to understand how she must feel. She was generally merciful when it came to her opponents, but Saren had killed her friend, and though Garrus didn’t really want to think about it, her former lover.

He was sure she wanted to kill him herself, but Saren’s last act of defiance had been to deny her even that.

“Gladly,” he replied as he turned to follow her order. He jumped down to the level below with Wrex in tow and walked over to Saren’s lifeless body.

“This is for Nihlus. For all turians,” he said quietly.

“And for Shepard, you son of a bitch.”

Then, he fired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the cliffhanger! I'm still cleaning up the next couple of chapters. Hopefully, I will have time to finish them later this week.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	20. Killed a Reaper for Good Measure

If she was frightened before, she was scared shitless now. But Shepard had no time to think about her fear. She had to move, and she had to move three seconds ago.

“Take cover!” She yelled into the comm. She couldn’t believe what she had just seen. She had to figure out what this thing was in front of her so she could devise an attack plan.

He had been dead. She knew Saren was dead. He had shot himself in the head. He had plummeted to the ground several yards beneath them. He had laid there on the ground, neck and limbs twisted strangely around him. Garrus had put yet another bullet in his brain.

And then the air had singed with red energy. Electricity surged around her and found a vessel in the lifeless form that had been Saren. Before her very eyes, the shell of the turian had transformed into the atrocity that faced them.

The-Thing-That-Was-Saren crawled toward her menacingly as she took her own advice and found cover behind a stone. She heard Garrus furiously firing and reloading his rifle as quickly as he could. Wrex was cursing over the din of Garrus’ weapon fire as he threw a Warp at the nightmare in front of her.

“Shepard!” she heard her turian’s voice calling, startling her from her frozen position. “Shepard! Move!”

She obeyed. She had to be a soldier now. She couldn’t let her emotions control her. She couldn’t let _fear_ control her. She was ashamed that Garrus had to wake her up, but she was still grateful to be shaken from her paralysis. _Move. Fight. Survive._

She ducked and rolled to the next stone and then the next. Whatever Saren had become, it wasn’t very clever, because it kept chasing her around the grassy area, no matter how many shots Garrus and Wrex fired.

“Keep hitting him with whatever you’ve got!” she shouted. “I’ll keep him busy.”

It wasn’t much of a strategy, but it was something. She continued to duck and run and duck and run, occasionally throwing a Warp or a Lift if she could manage it. The plan seemed to be working, because Saren’s new form seemed to be tiring as the minutes wore on.

“He’s getting weaker, Shepard!” Wrex yelled.

“Don’t stop now!” she replied as she ducked behind another stone.

But then her heart sank. _Spoke too soon, Wrex_ , she thought. She believed she had a second to catch her breath, but she was wrong. A new surge of energy flashed through Saren’s skeleton body and renewed his strength.

She took a deep breath and renewed her previous regimen. _Cover. Run. Cover. Run._ She could hear Garrus and Wrex firing and throwing all they had at Saren. _Just…keep…running…_

Just when she thought she couldn’t run anymore, she noticed Saren pause. _Thank all the gods, Spirits, whatever they are_ , she sighed inwardly. But almost as quickly as she had that thought, a shadow grazed her heart. Shepard had managed to keep Saren’s attention off of her team by deliberately taking cover as far from Garrus and Wrex as possible. It had worked, but suddenly she realized her mistake. In her building fatigue, she had been careless and taken cover too close to Garrus.

Saren was now looking at Garrus, only a few yards away.

”Damn it!” She yelled. She started to sprint towards Garrus. She wasn’t sure what she would do, but she had to get the monster’s attention off of her turian officer. “Garrus! Move! Now!”

Garrus had seen him, but he was trying to fire a few last shots before moving into cover. Saren was obviously tired, but Garrus was being foolish. Saren had jumped to the wall behind Garrus and looked ready to pounce.

“Just take cover, Shepard! I’ve almost got him down!”

“Get the hell away from him!” She aimed to place herself in between Saren on the wall and her turian officer. Just as she was about to get between them, Saren launched a rocket directly at her hero.

“Garrus! No!”

Garrus’ form collapsed in a heap and Shepard saw red.

“Wrex, goddammit! Finish him off!” she yelled. But Wrex was already on it. He had stepped out of cover and was firing everything he had at The-Thing-That-Was-Saren.

Luckily, Wrex was able to distract Saren long enough for Shepard to kneel next to Garrus and check his breathing. He was still alive, but just barely. He had been hit hard in the chest by the rocket blast. Shepard applied a quick dose of medi-gel and whispered, “Come on, Garrus. You can’t die on me now.” He didn’t move, but he opened his eyes to look at her briefly. She smiled in relief, propped him up next to the stone for cover and turned to find Wrex.

“Garrus Vakarian, you stubborn ass, just stay there and don’t die!”

She didn’t miss the look his piercing blue eyes gave her as she ran over to where Wrex was ducking behind cover and taking shots at Saren whenever he could. Shepard felt her anger and fear combine into a ball of rage that she released with a final Warp directly into the abomination’s chest.

That was it. The Saren-husk fell to the ground, but this time, the body didn’t remain there. It disintegrated in a flash of red light and energy.

Shepard resisted the urge to drop to her knees in relief. Her long hunt was finally over. Saren was really gone. She had landed the killing blow.

Nihlus was, at last, avenged.

She felt tears stinging her eyes but pushed the lump in her throat back down as she noticed that more light was streaming in through the windows above. Looking out the glass, she saw that Sovereign was releasing its hold on the Citadel Tower.

She felt her cheeks spread in a grin. _More than one victory today_ , she thought. _That was easier than I thought it would be_. But her grin quickly faded as she remembered Garrus, injured behind a pillar near the back of the room. She turned away from the window to run back to his side, but Wrex’s voice stopped her.

“Look, Shepard!”

She looked back at the windows and saw where Wrex was looking. The Alliance had moved in to attack Sovereign and, miraculously, Sovereign was breaking apart into pieces. The Reaper must have used all its energy to resurrect Saren and with one swift blow of anger, she had managed to damage them both.

She stared in awe at what she saw through the windows. Finally, it dawned on her why Wrex had called her attention to the spectacle of the falling Reaper.

A piece of Sovereign was about to come crashing into the Tower, right on top of them.

Her eyes widened as she turned to Wrex and Garrus.

“Go!”

Her last thought as glass and debris crashed around her was of Garrus. And then everything went dark.

>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<< 

Garrus felt sick. With one foolish move, he had doomed Shepard. He had killed her.

What was he thinking? Showing off? Heroics? What did he think he would accomplish, taking Saren on like that out in the open?

 _I just wanted to keep her safe_ , he chided himself. _And I couldn’t even do that properly._

His leg was broken. He knew that. He could still feel all the way down to his extremities, so that was a good sign. But it was still broken. He couldn’t move it. The rocket blast had done some serious damage as well, but he knew he would survive as long as he got some medical attention soon. Shepard’s quick response had saved his life.

_But my foolishness killed her._

He knew he had distracted her. There was no mistaking her advances as they fought their way through the Citadel. He had fed into them. He couldn’t resist. He had made it worse by adding some of his own fuel to the fire.

And then he had distracted her again, taking her attention away from her own safety and the monstrous piece of machinery that came crashing down on top of them all by getting himself injured. He had seen her looking his way just before the debris had come crashing down between him and his human Commander.

It was his fault. He shouldn’t have been so careless. He should have kept her safe. He was supposed to watch her six, not the other way around.

Garrus heard voices. He knew that they would find him and Wrex. They would be all right. They would be saved. But he wasn’t sure he wanted to be saved if he had to live a life knowing that he didn’t protect the human he loved when she needed him the most.

He didn’t respond to the calls. They would find him eventually.

“Captain Anderson! We’ve found them! They’re in here!” Garrus saw a C-Sec Officer in his clean, blue uniform turning to call to the Captain behind him. He dropped his head, remembering a time when he put on that uniform as a young officer, hoping to make a difference. Hoping to keep the galaxy safe.

_And I couldn’t protect her._

His leg hurt. His chest hurt. His head hurt.

His heart hurt.

His human. His Shepard. He had failed her.

He heard Anderson’s words, but he didn’t understand what he was saying. It was almost too much for him to comprehend. Garrus just shook his head and looked over where the Commander had been.

The young officer helped him up off the ground. He hobbled slowly while the officer helped him to keep pressure off his leg. The pain in his chest from the rocket blast was almost unbearable, but he knew he was too heavy for the officer and Anderson to carry. He had to get out of here. He didn’t want to be anywhere near Shepard’s tomb.

But he saw the look on Anderson’s face as he made his way forward. The Captain’s face reflected confusion, but Garrus didn’t miss the hope hidden underneath. The look was contagious and Garrus turned to see where the Captain was looking.

A flash of movement behind the rubble.

_No. I must be seeing things…_

But there it was. A flicker of blonde hair. The green armor that perfectly matched the color of her eyes.

Those beautiful eyes met his as she jumped down and climbed over the wreckage of the tower. He almost couldn’t believe what he was seeing. But then again, how could he have doubted her? Why should he be surprised? She had done the impossible. She had tracked Saren across an entire galaxy, effected her revenge, and then killed a Reaper for good measure.

Of course she was alive. He should have known better than to think otherwise.

The sight of Commander Elizabeth Shepard looking in his eyes made his heart swell and drowned out the pain in his leg and chest.

She walked right up to him with that smug grin on her face. It looked as though her arm was hurt, but she didn't wipe the grin off her face for a second. She nodded at the young C-Sec officer to give them a minute of space.

“I think that one counts for two, don’t you?” she said. Garrus gave her a quizzical look.

“Saren. Sovereign. One shot? I’m definitely ahead of you now.” Her grin had become a full smile. Garrus’ eyes widened and his mouth plates shifted into a grin as he realized what she was saying.

“Cheater,” he said. “You distracted me so you could get that shot.”

“Oh yeah? And just how did I do that while you were lying bleeding on the ground, Vakarian?”

Her mouth had twisted into that teasing half smile that he loved so well. He had blacked out when the rocket hit him and she had been there when he woke, giving him that same smile. He leaned down next to her ear and spoke quietly, almost in a whisper.

“Those eyes of yours, Shepard,” he looked intently at her face. Her cheeks were turning a light shade of pink and he thought she might have shivered slightly. He wasn’t sure what that meant, but his visor told him her pulse and body temperature were rising at a rapid rate. He was concerned, but she didn’t look upset. _Have to research human physiological reactions in more detail_ , he thought as he said, “First thing I saw when I came to were those bright green eyes. It’s taking longer to recover from that than the rocket blast.”

She didn’t take her eyes off him, but her look softened slightly. She reached out with her good arm and gently cupped the left side of his face in her hand. Even though she wore a glove, her touch went through him like a bolt of lightning. His whole body responded with a resounding shudder which he hoped wasn’t visible.

“Hey! You two are acting like young pyjaks in heat!” Wrex came sauntering over. “I know you’re ready to jump all over each other, but Garrus is hurt. Pretty badly from the looks of it. We need to get him to Chakwas.”

The color of Shepard’s cheeks turned darker, but she nodded in agreement.

She flashed him another smile and grabbed Garrus’ arm to hook it over her shoulder. “Move out! I’ve got your six this time.”

He thrilled at her touch, and leaned lightly into her as she helped him stumble out of the Tower.


	21. Following Doctor's Orders

“Shepard, he’s going to be fine, really.”

Shepard studied Dr. Chakwas’s face carefully. There was no hint of a lie, no hint of anything hidden. She was telling the truth.

“How can you be so sure?” Shepard asked. She had refused to let the Citadel doctors work on Garrus. Karin Chakwas knew him, had treated him after every ground mission, and was his friend as well as Shepard’s. There was no one else she trusted more to care for her hero and best friend. But as Shepard stood outside the med bay doors, waiting as the Normandy’s medical staff prepped Garrus for surgery, the knot in Shepard’s stomach refused to go away.

“He took a bad hit, Shepard. There is no question about that, but his shields protected him from the worst of it and he was in absolutely perfect health before the fight.” Karin grabbed Shepard’s arm reassuringly, forcing Shepard to look at her again instead of stare at the closed med bay doors. “His armor took most of the damage. We are only going in to repair a few minor internal injuries. Without medical attention, yes, he would be in danger, but we have the tools and the ability to fix everything that went wrong. Honestly, Shepard,” Karin released Shepard’s arm and crossed her own arms across her chest. “He’s been hit worse before on some of your missions. You didn’t seem as worried then.”

“I always worry, Karin,” Shepard replied. “But this time is different…” She trailed off and looked back at the closed doors in front of her. Karin studied her for a moment. Shepard noticed the grin on her friend’s face, but she ignored it.

“Well, there’s no more need to worry this time than any other time, and he’s always pulled through before.” The doctor uncrossed her arms and turned to head into the med bay. “By the time you finish meeting with the Council, he will be all patched up and you can see him then.” Karin gave her a last smile as she opened the doors and ducked inside the med bay, leaving Shepard alone behind the closed doors.

***********************

 _This is all a load of bullshit_.

She had no other thoughts as she listened to the Council drone on about how she had been unselfish and saved so many lives. _Blah, blah, blah. This is what was so important that they had to pull me away from Garrus to say? They better hurry up or I may change my mind about letting them live…_

But she knew she was only fantasizing. She would never do something that rash, but that didn’t stop her from thinking about it. Her ears perked up slightly when Councilor Sparatus spoke. She always found it slightly disconcerting that he sounded so much like Nihlus.

 _Nihlus,_ she thought, _I wish you were here to see this. We won._

But the distraction of Sparatus’ delicious voice reminded her of another turian she loved, one she wanted to be with at this moment more than anything. Her former annoyance returned until Sparatus said something about honoring the memories of the dead through the Council’s actions. As she shifted her weight, Anderson gave her a scolding look. _How does he always know when I’m not paying attention?_

“Humanity has shown it is ready to stand as a defender and protector of the galaxy. You have proved you are worthy to join our ranks and serve beside us on the Citadel Council.”

 _Whoa, come again_? She held herself back from saying those thoughts out loud. She looked up at Anderson and raised an eyebrow with a look that said, “ _Did they just say what I think they said_?”

No one seemed to notice the exchange between Shepard and Anderson, because Udina opened his big mouth to chime in. Shepard had to stop herself from rolling her eyes.

“Councilor, on behalf of humanity and the Alliance, we thank you for this prestigious honor and humbly accept.”

Shepard started to tune the conversation out again until Councilor Tevos asked her for her recommendation of who should serve on the Council.

 _I need some of whatever drugs she’s taking_ , she thought, _They’re asking me? I don’t know anything about politics._

But she took a minute to reflect on the choices she had before her. Anderson or Udina. Anderson was clearly the better man, but he knew shit about politics. Udina was a prick, but he knew the ropes.

She looked up into Anderson’s face again. She couldn’t read it. He looked just as surprised as she felt. _Well, he’s not much help right now_.

She knew Udina would want the spot, but would that be the best choice? She looked over at Anderson again. _Would he really be happy at a desk job?_

She shook her head. _No way._

She made her recommendation. She hoped she had chosen wisely. And then she waited impatiently for the Councilors to finish dragging on.

_Nope. Anderson and I are not the type of people made for politics. Enough of this bullshit, no matter how charming Sparatus’ voice is…_

“Sovereign was only a vanguard. The Reaper fleet is still coming. Hundreds of ships, maybe thousands. And I’m gonna find some way to stop them!”

She turned her back on the Council and walked away, leaving them to share collective glances of surprise and annoyance at her behavior. She didn’t care.

Garrus was waiting.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The first thing he became aware of was a slight pressure on his right arm. That pressure was what began to wake him from his slumber. He could hear quiet beeping and buzzing noises next to him, but it wasn’t until he opened his eyes that he realized where he was.

The lights were dim, and as he blinked into awareness, Garrus recognized the familiar med bay. The beeping to his left was a machine monitoring his heart rate and blood pressure.

And the pressure on his right arm was Shepard.

He smiled slightly at the picture in front of him. She was sitting in a chair next to his bed. Her body was leaned forward onto the edge of the bed with her head cradled in the crook of her right arm. She was resting on top of his outstretched hand, her face slightly upturned towards him. Her eyes were closed and he thought there might be a little bit of drool trailing out of the side of her mouth. Her beautiful long blonde hair was not tied in a bun like it usually was, but was draped over her shoulder and down her back, hanging perpendicular to the bed. He noticed her left arm was still injured, hanging limply in a sling around her neck.

He almost laughed as he realized that the buzzing sound was Shepard as well.

 _She snores_ , he thought. He didn’t want to wake her, but a stray piece of hair was draped across her face. He reached across with his left arm and lightly tucked it behind her ear.

 _Spirits, she is beautiful_. His heart swelled with emotion and he let his talon trace the length of her ear and jawline softly.

The sound of the door hissing open to his right startled him. He controlled his impulse to pull his hand back so he wouldn’t wake Shepard and looked up to see Liara strolling out of her office. Liara smiled at him and put a finger to her lips. She walked over to the left side of his bed.

“She hasn’t left your side since she returned from her meeting with the Council,” Liara whispered.

“How long ago was that?” he asked.

“Not long, but overall, it has been a long day for her – for all of us, you included.”

“What did the Council want from her this time?”

“Oh, nothing like that,” Liara laughed quietly. “They made her sit through ‘some boring ass speech’ as she put it. Then they invited humans to join the Council.”

“Wow,” Garrus glanced back at the sleeping human on his arm. “All because of this one little human, huh?”

Liara nodded. “She may look small, but small is something she most definitely is not.”

His human. His Shepard. This one human woman had accomplished so much on her own. His chest filled with pride. Garrus resisted the urge to trace her face with his fingers again and turned back to Liara.

“So, how long have I been out?”

“Just a few hours, really. Dr. Chakwas patched up some of your injuries from the rocket blast and assured Shepard that you would be awake soon, but both of you could use some rest. She tried to get Shepard to rest in her own quarters, but you know Shepard. She had her mind set on being here when you woke up, and when she has her mind set on something…” Liara glanced over at Shepard and smiled warmly. Garrus nodded. _Yes, I know Shepard_.

Liara moved as if she were leaving, but turned her head slightly to say, “If you can convince her to sleep somewhere other than that chair, it would probably be good for her.”

And then she left him alone with his Commander.

He didn’t resist any longer. He let one long talon trace over her forehead, her nose, her cheek. Part of him wished she would stay there on his arm forever.

But then his heart sank. He had made a decision on his way back from the Citadel and he had to tell her. He had to tell her as soon as he could.

Shepard must have sensed his sudden unease and rustled slightly under his touch. He pulled back his hand and watched as her green eyes flitted open. She sat up straight when she saw he was awake, but she didn’t pull her hand away. She gripped his three fingers tightly with her five smaller ones.

“Garrus,” her voice was breathy and full of an emotion he couldn’t identify. “How do you feel?”

“I feel fine, Shepard. Chakwas did a good job with whatever was wrong. I’m a little worn out, but no worse for the wear.”

“That’s a relief,” and she breathed a corresponding sigh. She frowned and her head dropped slightly as she looked down at their hands, fingers twined together. When she didn’t look up for several moments, Garrus became concerned. _What is wrong?_ He reached across with his left hand and cupped her chin, lifting her eyes to meet his.

“How are _you_ feeling, Shepard?”

Her mouth twitched as she replied, “Fine, I guess. A little tired but…fine.”

“I heard the Council offered humans a seat.” _Small talk_ , he thought, _maybe that will get her to tell me whatever it is that is bothering her._ The comment did distract her for a moment. Her face brightened as she told him briefly of what had transpired since she brought him to the med bay.

“That bastard Udina,” she concluded. “Sometimes I just want to take that stick out of his ass and beat him with it.”

He didn’t completely understand her human phrases, but the way she said them made him chuckle. He quickly stopped when he felt a sharp pain in his chest. Whatever meds Chakwas was pumping into him made him forget he had just had surgery and he gripped his chest briefly with his left hand, still refusing to let go of Shepard’s small hand with his right.

Shepard’s face evidenced concern as she said, “You ok, big guy?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Just forgot where I was for a moment.”

They were silent for a minute more. He could tell she was avoiding his gaze, but he still wasn’t sure why. Finally, she spoke again.

“Garrus, I’m so sorry.”

He didn’t know how to respond, so he said nothing. _What could she be sorry for?_

“It’s been killing me since yesterday. I said such horrible things…” Shepard left the sentence hanging and looked off to her right.

He tried to think back. Yesterday seemed so very far away. So much had happened since then – Ilos, Saren, Sovereign. He had even thought she was dead earlier today. So many more important events than whatever she was worried about from yesterday.

And then he remembered. The mess. Tali’s gesture of concern. Getting grounded from Ilos and the words shared over full cups of dextro and levo coffee. _Wow_ , he thought. _Was that really only yesterday?_  

“Shepard, until you mentioned it just now, I had completely forgotten what you said,” he smiled at her as she turned back to look at him, hope shining from her eyes. “I think I even understand why you said them.”

“You do?” she said. “That’s funny, because I’m not sure I really understand why I said them or what came over me. I’m not sure that I deserve such easy forgiveness.” She shook her head.

He took a chance. Enough had happened over the last 24 hours that he decided to brave his fears and do something about these feelings that had been pent up inside his harsh exterior.

“We all do crazy things when we’re jealous,” he teased. That brought the spark back into her eyes.

“Jealous, huh?” she countered with his favorite half smile. “Who said I was jealous?”

“Didn’t think it had to be said,” he smiled at her and reached over to brush another stray hair out of her face. She shuddered slightly and her face turned that light shade of pink again. “You made some things pretty obvious in the last two days, Shepard.” The pink turned to red, but her smile widened. Garrus felt her fingers grip his more tightly, but then her smile faded again.

“I thought I’d lost you, Garrus.”

Her voice was barely above a whisper. He studied her expression carefully. Her brows were pointed together, making her forehead crinkle slightly. The corners of her mouth turned down and he thought her bottom lip might have trembled, but he wasn’t entirely sure. He found himself mirroring her frown as he thought about what he had done to worry her, how he had brazenly tried to finish off Saren. _Foolish_ , he scolded, _So very foolish. You put her life and your own at risk, Vakarian._

He had to tell her now.

“Shepard, I need to tell you something. I made a decision today,” he began. She nodded at him to continue. “I made a stupid move, in the middle of one of the most important fights, if not _the_ most important fight, of my life. I nearly got myself killed and that put you in danger as well.”

She was staring intently at him. He wasn’t sure he had the heart to tell her what he had decided, but he knew he had to. For her own sake.

“I have learned so much from you.” He reached over with his other hand to grip her hand with both of his. “I’ve learned to be a better soldier, and you’ve taught me the meaning of compassion. But I still have so much more to learn, and I’m not sure I can learn it here on the _Normandy_.”

He had to stop for a moment. Her face had changed dramatically. Her forehead was even more wrinkled now and her mouth looked sadder than before, if that was even possible. _You have to do this, Vakarian. You have to keep her safe._

“I can’t let what happened today ever happen again. So I’m going to go back to C-Sec and apply for Spectre training. I have to be better. I have to be stronger. I can’t protect you if I can’t even protect myself.”

He hung his head in shame. The self-torturing thoughts were now spoken, no longer just in his head.

Her voice sounded shaky when she finally spoke.

“Garrus, you don’t have to do this,” he couldn’t meet her eyes. He didn’t have to look at her to hear the slight desperation in her voice. “What happened today wasn’t your fault.”

“Yes, it was,” he replied, looking back at her again. “I was supposed to keep you safe and I didn’t. You almost died today because I got myself injured. I will not – cannot – let that happen again. We may have won this time, but who’s to say what will happen next time if I can’t do a better job of watching your six.”

She said nothing. She simply looked at him with her big, bright eyes and gripped his fingers tighter, pain etched onto her face.

“It won’t be forever,” he finally said. She raised an eyebrow at him in response.

“I _will_ come back,” he continued. “But when I come back, I will be a better soldier. One who doesn’t put his own foolish pride in the way of the mission. One who deserves to be a part of your crew.” He reached out and touched her cheek lightly with his fingers. She leaned into his touch and closed her eyes. _How can I leave her? I must be crazy…_

But no, he knew he wasn’t crazy. He wanted to be better. Kaidan was right. For all his other annoying behavior, he was right about this. Shepard made Garrus want to be better than he was.

Finally, Shepard’s eyes flew open and she sat up straight.

“Garrus, I don’t want you to go. You are one of the best soldiers I’ve ever known. I trust you with my life, regardless of what happened today,” she paused and took a deep breath. “But I also respect your decision. I want you to know one thing, though.”

She wriggled her left arm out of the sling and winced slightly as she moved it to grip his hand in both of her own, as he had done before.

“You belong on this ship. You belong with me. And when you are ready, you will always have a place here. Always.”

They looked into each other’s eyes for several moments. Finally, the silence was broken by the hiss of the med bay doors. Dr. Chakwas strode in with a look of determination on her face.

“Ah, so you’re both awake. Perfect,” Karin said. She checked Garrus’ vitals and nodded. “Everything appears to be in order. You should be up and moving around in a couple of days, Garrus. But for now, both of you need some rest. _Real_ rest, Commander. In a bed. Doctor’s orders.”

Shepard smiled at the doctor.

“Of course, Doctor. I promise to rest in a bed tonight.”

“I’m not sure I believe you, but I will leave you alone for a little while longer. If nothing else, let Garrus get some rest.” And with that, she was gone again.

“Now, what were we talking about?” Shepard smiled at him. “Oh yes, how you belong on this ship.”

“Oh, is that what we were saying?” Garrus replied. “I thought we were talking about how this ship will be seriously lacking in style without me.”

Her grin faded and his heart plummeted. He never wanted to see her frown.

“Shepard,” he whispered, pulling her hands closer to him. “I _will_ come back. I promise.”

She nodded, but he could tell she was still unsure. She looked down at their hands, fingers that had been twined together since the second he had woken up. He never wanted her to let go.

“You should probably follow those doctor’s orders,” he finally said. “Get some rest, Shepard. We can talk more in the morning.”

The impish grin returned.

“Officer Vakarian, I have every intention of following doctor’s orders.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Karin Chakwas decided to give them a bit more time. She knew how deeply Shepard cared for Garrus – anyone who could call Shepard a friend knew how she felt – and she recognized the relief on Shepard’s face when she knew that Garrus would pull through. Karin decided to give them a few more minutes. She made herself a small cup of herbal tea and scrolled through medical reports coming in from the Alliance and C-Sec on the recovery efforts after the battle.

But eventually, the tea was gone and Karin was tired.

 _All right, Commander_ , she thought. _Time for bed. It’s a little sad I have to tell a grown woman to go to bed…_

She put her cup away and headed for the med bay. As the doors slid open, she stopped dead in her tracks and smiled.

 _Well, that’s one way of following doctor’s orders_. Dr. Chakwas slowly took in the scene in front of her. Shepard was snoring slightly, curled up into Garrus’ side. Garrus had his arm around the Commander with his head resting lightly on the top of her head. Both of them were fast asleep.

Karin programmed an outside lock into the med bay doors and left the Commander and her turian officer snuggled in the med bay.


	22. Saying Goodbye

Shepard kept herself as busy as she could the next few days. Running diagnostics, checking all the weapons systems, saying goodbye to friends who were leaving. She felt slightly betrayed by all the members of her team who were abandoning her.

“The fight’s not over!” she pleaded with Wrex. “You know the Reapers won’t stop just because we killed Sovereign.”

“I know, Shepard,” Wrex replied in a voice a little softer than she would have expected from her krogan friend. “But Tuchanka won’t stop needing me either.”

Her other squadmates had similar excuses.

“My pilgrimage is complete, Shepard. I’ve been offered a position on the _Neema_.”

“I have some old business I must attend to, Shepard. I am sorry.”

Kaidan was the only person staying. Shepard thought he would probably leave too if he weren’t assigned to the _Normandy_ , and Kaidan always followed orders.

And then there was Garrus. Garrus, who was leaving her to be a Spectre. She had decided not to be a pathetic girl and cry and pout and make him feel guilty about going. If this was how he felt, she would not stand in his way. She would not look or sound desperate.

Even if she _felt_ desperate.

When she thought of Garrus leaving, she felt like her body would rip in two, right down the middle. She had tried to make it clear how she felt about him in the hopes that maybe he would change his mind about leaving. She wasn’t good at telling people what they meant to her, but with Garrus, she had at least tried to show him. While he was healing in the med bay, she had spent as much time as possible at his side. She had helped him recuperate from the surgery. Chakwas was right – Garrus was in tip-top shape. He healed faster than almost anyone she knew.

He was in sparring shape in only a matter of days.

“Come on, Shepard,” he taunted her during one of their sparring matches, “you can do better than that.”

She ducked a jab from his left hand and smiled. “Really, Garrus? I was going to say the same to you. You haven’t landed a blow on me yet.”

He growled in a way that reminded her of the way Nihlus had growled at her before tackling her each night and more…

_Damn my emotional distractions_ , she thought as Garrus did the same as Nihlus had always done. She was pinned, but there was never a time in her life she was happier to be trapped underneath her opponent. Garrus’ eyes flashed in triumph as he held her to the ground.

“You spoke too soon,” he said. His breath was hot against her face and made her skin flush.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.”

“And you still haven’t learned.”

“Nope, probably never will. At least that’s what my mother would say. _Elizabeth_ , _think before you speak and don’t get distracted by stupid shit._ Yep…that’s Mom.”

Garrus said nothing at that. He just held her beneath him and looked into her eyes. Oh, how she wanted him to take her, right there on the mats of the cargo hold. She didn’t care who was around. She felt her stomach tighten at the thought of Garrus touching her and…

He was getting up.

She couldn’t figure out what she was doing wrong. She had spent every waking moment with him that she could. She told him he belonged with her. _What else does he want from me?_ _Yeah, so he’s leaving. I don’t care. I will still be here when he gets back. I’ve already waited over ten years. He doesn’t know that, but hell, what’s a few more months?_

She reluctantly stood up and reached for her water bottle, wiping the sweat off the back of her neck with a towel. She noticed he was looking at her strangely as he gulped down some water as well.

“What?” she gave him a quizzical look as she placed her hands on her hips.

He shook his head. “Nothing,” he said, and turned back to his water.

“Uh-uh, Vakarian. You don’t get to look at me like that and say nothing.” She flung her towel over her shoulder and walked over to him.

He looked down at her and said in a quiet voice, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you refer to yourself by your first name before.”

She was taken aback. That’s why he was giving her a strange look?

“Um…I’m pretty sure I’ve told you my first name before.”

“Yeah, you’ve told it to me, but you’ve never used it like that.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Didn’t know it was such a big deal.”

“Maybe it’s not really a ‘big deal’ as you say, but the fact that you’ve never done it before….well, it just surprised me to hear you use it like that.”

She studied Garrus carefully. He was avoiding her gaze at the moment. Straightening out his undersuit, taking a few more gulps of water. _What is he trying to say?_

“I guess you’re right,” she finally said. “I don’t use my first name very often. But…” she paused. _How stupid am I going to sound?_ “you can use it, if you’d like.”

He put everything down and looked at her. She could tell he was holding back a smile. _Don’t hold it back, big guy. I love it when you smile._

Without thinking, she blurted, “Actually, I have a nickname too.” She cringed as soon as the words left her mouth. _And after 29 years, I gush and sound like an idiot when I try to impress a boy._ He cocked his head to the side.

“Nickname?” he asked.

“Yeah, you know, like a shorter version of your long name? You guys don’t use nicknames?”

Garrus shook his head. “No. Overall, turian culture is much more formal than human culture.”

“Hmm, well, that’s a little unfortunate. Nicknames are fun…and special – shorter names that usually are only used by family, close friends…” she paused as she considered what she wanted to say next. Her heart started beating fast. She was sure Garrus could pick up on that bit of information with his visor. “Sometimes between lovers.”

His mandibles twitched slightly as she said it, but he didn’t look upset or embarrassed. In fact, he didn’t take his piercing blue eyes off of hers, not even for a moment.

“And what’s _your_ nickname?” he asked quietly, his flanging voice rumbling through her.

“You think I’m gonna tell _you_ , Vakarian?” she poked him in the chest and laughed. “You have to earn it.”

The look in Garrus’ eyes turned hungry, and she was clearly not prepared for what her favorite turian did next. He reached behind her with one arm, gripped her waist and pulled her to him. She gasped for air and felt the blood rush to her abdomen as he held her body against his own. _Garrus Vakarian, you are a romantic aren’t you?_ _I could definitely settle for a lifetime of surprises like this one._

“Oh, I’ll earn it,” he rumbled. He brought his other gloved hand up and traced the scar across her cheek. “Now tell me, _Elizabeth_ ,” she shivered as he said her name, “What would your lover call you?”

Her knees were weak. She had dreamed of this for so long, dreamed of Garrus whispering to her, speaking of being hers. For over ten years she had fantasized about what it would be like to be in the arms of her knight in his shining blue armor and matching eyes.

And now it was happening and she couldn’t speak.

“Lizzie,” she finally gasped. “Call me Lizzie.”

He held her there for a few more seconds, smiling and unmoving. She thought she might die of happiness. The look he gave her was warmer than any look she had ever received from a human man. She could read Garrus’ face more clearly than she could read any human’s face. In that moment, she had no doubts. He loved her. And she loved him right back.

Garrus’ omni-tool pinged, surprising both of them and bringing them back to life. With a regretful nod, she let him check the message, but she didn’t take her eyes off of him. She watched as his warm smile turned into a frown.

She gulped and asked, “What is it?”

“It’s C-Sec,” he said. “And a message from the Council. Not only do I have my old job back,” his frown deepened, “but someone apparently put in one of the best references the Council has ever seen for me. I’ve been approved for Spectre training.”

He raised his striking blue eyes to look at her. “I wonder who would have put the reference in.” he chided.

She shrugged her shoulders sadly. “Pft, no one on this crew, I’m sure. They’ve all seen you in action.” She tried to give him a smile through the pain wrenching her heart in two. Shepard didn’t miss the twinkle in Garrus’ eyes. “Besides, I thought you would be happy to get into Spectre training.”

“I am. Very happy, it’s just…” he paused and took another step toward her. He placed his hands around her waist again and she breathed deeply, taking in the smell of Garrus, his warmth, the feeling of his hands on her, and everything about him. Then, slowly, he closed his eyes and bent his forehead down to gently touch hers. She returned the pressure and sighed.

“Thank you, Shep – Lizzie,” he whispered. “Thank you, Lizzie.”

She wanted to sob, but she held herself back. _Now is not the time._

She relaxed in his arms. _If only he knew how I worship him so._ But all she said was, “Anything for you, Garrus.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

This was, perhaps, the hardest thing he had ever done. Garrus Vakarian knew now, without a doubt, that he loved Commander Elizabeth Shepard. A human. A small, frail-looking, squishy human woman.

The human woman he now called “Lizzie”. His Lizzie.

Excitement surged through him at the thought of her name. _Even her name gives me thrills_ , he thought. _Am I really doing the right thing by leaving?_

But he knew he was. He couldn’t live with himself if something happened to her on his watch – while he was supposed to protect her. All he wanted to do was hold her, and touch her, and learn everything about how to please his new love. He had never thought of being intimate with a female of another species before. It had never even crossed his mind. But Lizzie Shepard had captured him with that long, blonde hair, those bright green eyes, the hips that swayed when she ran in battle, the dance that mercilessly brought down her opponents, and her unwavering courage in the face of impossible odds.

But he had to be better. He would come back her equal.

He laughed at himself slightly as he daydreamed about the duo he and his commander would make. _Shepard and Vakarian – Spectre Heroes of the Galaxy._ He thought it funny how his childhood dreams of being a Spectre meant so much more now because they involved her, and also slightly ironic that they wouldn’t have come to pass without her either.

He shoved the last of his belongings into his bag. He remembered the last time he had packed his belongings was to join Shepard’s crew. He had no idea what this mission would do to him, how it would change him.

_I had no idea how_ she _would change me._

He sighed, gripped his bag by the handle and headed for the airlock.

She was waiting for him just outside the ship. She turned and flashed a smile at him as soon as he exited the airlock.

“I wasn’t sure you would want to be here,” he said as he walked up to her and dropped his bag. The message from the Council and C-Sec had told him he could resume his old position the next day if he wanted. The timing had been perfect, since Shepard was supposed to ship out the next day on a mission of her own. The time for rest and recuperation was over. Garrus would help with Citadel efforts and Shepard would continue her quest across the galaxy.

He knew she didn’t want him to go, but he felt compelled to leave. _I’m doing this for her_ , he tried to convince himself.

“No way you’re leaving this ship without having to face the consequences,” she joked. But he knew she wasn’t really joking. And he understood the consequences. He understood them very well. He wondered if her heart was breaking as much as his.

He frowned. “I know, Lizzie. I know.” She looked up at him. Garrus had never seen the Commander cry. She wasn’t crying now, but he could have sworn that liquid was pooling near the corners of her eyes.

He didn’t wonder anymore. He knew their hearts were both breaking.

He had never done this before, and it was entirely awkward, but he pulled her close to him in the human version of what he had learned was called a “hug.” She quickly reciprocated by wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face in his cowl. Her body slowly shuddered and he held her tighter, feeling the warmth of her light body against his own and committing the feeling to memory.

“I made you a promise,” he whispered in her ear. “And I keep my promises. I will be back.”

“I know,” she said as she pulled back and smiled at him. Then she leaned in again, attempting to touch her forehead to his. As soon as he realized what she was doing, he mirrored her movement. “And I’ll be waiting. Always.”

He pulled back and traced her jawline again with his gloved hand. Her long, blonde hair fluttered slightly behind her. He didn’t want this to be drawn out any longer. He had to go before he lost his nerve. He picked up his bag and quickly started to walk toward the elevator.

Just as he reached the elevator, something made him stop. The scene felt all too familiar. He turned slowly for one last look at his Commander. His heart nearly stopped.

He knew it wasn’t her. His Lizzie Shepard was strong and brave and unbreakable. But there, in the strange light of the docking bay on the Citadel, he remembered a small, blonde human in only her underwear standing next to another Alliance vessel _._ It seemed somehow appropriate to combine the memory from so long ago with the vision in front of him. He was older now. More experienced. More capable. But in many ways, he was still the same turian he was then – he still had the same desire for justice and the same hot-headed stubbornness. _So many years ago_ , he thought. _But this time, I know her name. I know where to find her. And this time, I will be back to keep her safe._

His heart swelled with love and pride at the woman before him, who briefly waved her five fingers in farewell as he nodded and waved his three in return before turning his back and stepping into the elevator.

He smiled through the glass as he watched her slowly disappear above him.

_My Lizzie. Stay safe until I am back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this, my first dabble in fanfic. Part 2 of the Elizabeth Shepard series will pick up where Part 1 left off and continue through the events of Mass Effect 2.
> 
> A special shout-out to BlackStarAura and Mordinette. Thank you for all your help and support. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left comments and encouraging words. Your thoughts and words mean more to me than you know. I hope you will all continue to read in Part 2!
> 
> Part 2 to be posted soon....


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